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This is a cute thread, I get some funny emails here or there.
A new, updated, Dr. Seuss book.
I do not like this Uncle Sam,
I do not like his health care scam.
I do not like these dirty crooks,
or how they lie and cook the books.
I do not like when Congress steals,
I do not like their secret deals.
I do not like this speaker, Nan ,
I do not like this ‘YES WE CAN.’
I do not like this spending spree,
I’m smart, I know that nothing’s free.
I do not like your smug replies,
when I complain about your lies.
I do not like this kind of hope.
I do not like it, nope, nope, nope!
Oh, how true…
The last four letters in American………I Can
The last four letters in Republican…….I Can
The last four letters in Democrats……..Rats
End of Lesson
Test to follow in November
86-year Old Lady’s Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don ‘t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place,
Isn’t it funny that $10 seems like a lot when we give
tzedaka, but so little when we go shopping?
Isn’t it funny how one hour seems so long when we
worship G-d, and so short when we watch a ball
game?
Isn’t it funny how 2 hours in shul seem so much
longer than when we watch a video?
Isn’t it funny how when a ball game goes into
overtime we get so excited, but when prayers last a
little longer than usual, we complain?
Isn’t it funny how we find reading a whole Parsha
from the Torah tiring, but it’s so easy to read 100
pages of the latest novel?
Isn’t it funny how we want to sit in the front row when
we go to a basketball game but we sit in the last
rows of the shul?
Isn’t it funny how we need 2 or three weeks notice
when there is an event to attend in the shul, and
how we ! are always available for other events or
programs?
Isn’t it funny how we have difficulty to learn the
parsha, but so easy to learn and tell the latest
gossip?
Isn’t it funny how we believe in the newspapers, but
we question the Torah?
Isn’t it funny how we send millions of jokes via e-
mail that spread like wildfire, but when we receive
something about Judaism, we don’t re-send them to
anyone?
It is just so not funny!!
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , KS – 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie,”play,’ and ‘run’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?
4.. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1 Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks
and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each..
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? Plus a new found respect for our elders…..
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!
How poor our education system has become is an understatement!
Build a better world said G-d
And I asked how?
The world is such a vast place and so complicated now
I am small and useless
What can I do?
G-d in all His wisdom said, “Just build a better you.”
______
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________ _ __________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TE ACHER: No, Millie…… Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
_________ ________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______ _______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010, WHEN
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
AND NOW UR LAUGHING at yourself.
A water carrier
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes to leak out all the way back to your house. The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I
planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
OMG Be Happy that story brings back nightmare of school. In Ivrit class we had to do a bunch of exercises on it, and it was not fun 🙂
Daily Handbook:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and pants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s – Energy, Empathy and Enthusiasm.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10 – 30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistake of hte past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algerbra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh often.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Do the right thing!
32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Get rid of everything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. G-d heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank G-d for it.
39. Your inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
I love to read them keep on posting…….
Whats the phrase? I know it ends “…now is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present” (hey, its better than remembering the beginning!)
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow’s a mystery
Today is a gift,
That’s why it’s called the present.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
— Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Mike Schaffer, age 4 (bless you child)
And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
— Ricky, age 10
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says ‘Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?’ You probably shouldn’t respond with,’Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?’
Wonderful Definitions
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Classics: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Senior Health Care Solution
So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
Senior Health Care Solution
So you’re a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
Random Thoughts From People My Age:
2. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. .
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (I DON’T!)
6. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
8. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
9. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
10. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
11. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
13. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
14. Bad decisions make good stories.
16. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.
21. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
SUCCESS:
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . ..Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Gl enn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: ; K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am…’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
now this kid thinking!
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
“This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!” No answer.
A while later he announces, “This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!”
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, “This is Syrian Air Force #174 We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!”
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, “Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!”
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit: “Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help. “
“Allah is praised,” says the Syrian pilot. “Please give me
instructions.”
“Do you speak Hebrew?”
“No”
“OK, then please repeat after me:
Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah……”
Lipstick in School (priceless)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can
just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses.)
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He
took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
Q-TIP IT!
Back in the 1920’s when Polish-American entrepreneur Leo Gerstenzang invented cotton swabs as a safer way to clean his baby’s ears, he called his product “Q-Tip.” Actually, his first name-choice was “Baby Gay” – but that didn’t sell, so the by-now familiar name emerged. Mr. Gerstenzang chose “Q” for Quality . . . and he must have been on to something, because Q-Tip has become a household word (and we’ve developed a whole ‘another set of connotations for ‘Baby Gay.’)
Which made Q-Tip a good choice for an acronym that’s going ’round in motivational workshops these days: Quit Taking It Personally! I have a jar of those little white-tipped tools on my vanity, and every morning they remind me to use this quick-and-easy stress reduction technique: Q-Tip It!
You get the picture . . . and the image, too. Stress is not what happens to us. It’s our response TO what happens. And RESPONSE is something we can choose.
So – Q-Tip It! Let Mr. Gerstenzang’s little white-tipped tool be a memory-hook, a way to ease your personal stress reactions, the way YOU choose to respond to the happenings of your days.
10 REASONS FOR SWEARING
1. It pleases Mother so much.
3. It proves that I have self-control.
4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.
5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.
7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.
9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.
Why I Voted Democrat
Pick Your Reason
When your friends can’t explain why they voted for Democrats, give them this list. They can then pick a reason .
10. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.
9. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
8.. I voted Democrat because Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
7.. I voted Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.
6.. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.
5.. I voted Democrat because I’m not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies through abortion so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
4.. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits.
3.. I voted Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the democrats see fit.
2. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
1. I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass that it is unlikely that I’ll ever have another point of view.
I’ll keep my Freedom, my God and my Guns… You keep the Change…
Get out and vote November 2nd, 2010!
I dont know if this joke has been on this blog yet, if it has please forgive me.
>A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ howevert, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’ A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’ Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!) The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
Tickets Please
Three Jews and three gentiles are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three gentiles each buy tickets and watch as the three Jews buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the gentiles.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Jew. They all board the train. The gentiles take their respective seats but all three Jews cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The gentiles saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the gentiles decide to copy the Jews on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jews don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed gentile.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Jew. When they board the train the three gentiles cram into a restroom and the three Jews cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jews leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the gentiles are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
what’s up everyone, i havent been here in a while
IRONY
>I bet I could quit gambling
>What if there were no hypothetical situations?
>It’s not my fault I don’t take responsibility for my actions
>This statement is false.
>Don’t you hate rhetorical questions?
>God, I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
>Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!
>The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
>I can resist everything except temptation.
>I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
>Never believe generalisations.
>Avoid alliterations always.
>I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now
>Thank God I’m an atheist.
>Just say NO to negativity
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…The next year, I
didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,”Well, you still
haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump
steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But,
somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always
something more important to me. Finally she thought
of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always
have a limp.
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I
bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
________________________________
My wife was standing, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your
eyesight’s perfect.”
And then the fight started..
EATING FRUIT
This is informative!
We all think eating fruit means just buying fruit, cutting it up and popping
it into our mouths. It’s not that easy. It’s important to know how and when
to eat fruit.
What’s the correct way to eat fruit?
IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUIT AFTER A MEAL! FRUIT SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY
STOMACH.
Eating fruit like that plays a major role in detoxifying your system,
supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life
activities.
FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD.
Let’s say you eat two slices of bread, then a slice of fruit. The slice of
fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but
it’s prevented from doing so.
In the meantime, the whole meal rots and ferments, and turns to acid. The
minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach, and
digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.
Eat your fruit on an empty stomach, or before your meal! You’ve heard people
complain: Every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach
bloats, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc. This
will not happen if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. Fruit mixes with
the putrefying other food and produces gas. Hence, you bloat!
There’s no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic,
because all fruit becomes alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert
Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct
way of eating fruit, you have the Secret of Beauty, Longevity, Health,
Energy, Happiness and normal weight.
When you need to drink fruit juice drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT the
concentrated juice from the cans. Don’t drink juice that has been heated
Don’t eat cooked fruit; you don’t get the nutrients at all. You get only the
taste. Cooking destroys all of the vitamins.
Eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink
the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix
with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit-fast to
cleanse your body. Eat fruit and drink fruit juice for just 3 days, and you
will be surprised when your friends say how radiant you look!
KIWI: Tiny but mighty, and a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E
and fibre. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange!
AN APPLE a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C
content, it has antioxidants and flavonoids which enhances the activity of
vitamin C, thereby helping to lower the risk of colon cancer, heart attack
and stroke.
STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total
antioxidant power among major fruits and protect the body from
cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.
EATING 2 – 4 ORANGESa day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol,
prevent and dissolve kidney stones, and reduce the risk of colon cancer.
WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also
packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune
system. Also a key source of lycopene, the cancer-fighting oxidant. Also
found in watermelon: Vitamin C and Potassium.
GUAVA & PAPAYA:Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for
their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps
prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, good for your eyes.
Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer!
Can you believe this? For those who like to drink cold water, this applies
to you. It’s nice to have a cold drink after a meal, however, the cold water
will solidify the oily stuff that you’ve just consumed, which slows
digestion. Once this ‘sludge’ reacts with the acid, it will break down and
be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the
intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is
best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
A serious note about heart attacks.
HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE
Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the
left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw. You may never have
the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense
sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart
attack while they’re asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you
from a sound sleep. Be careful, and be aware. The more we know, the better
our chance to survive.
A cardiologist said if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people,
you can be sure that we’ll save at least one life.
It caneven be your life!
THIS PERTAINS TO EVERYONE–MEN INCLUDED.
Warning..!!!! Warning….!!!!
Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public
parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the
rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home,
it was a receipt for gas. Luckily my friend told me not to
stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the
car . Then we received this email yesterday:
‘WARNING FROM POLICE
THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN
BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE–
NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS (NOT A JOKE)
Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating.. . You walk
across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You
start the engine and shift into Reverse..
When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your
parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle
of the rear window. So, you shift into Park, unlock your
doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or
whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach
the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out
of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically
mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your
money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are
now compromised!
BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.
If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just
drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you
read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and
family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of
personal information and identification documents, and you
certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.
Please keep this going
blueberrymuffin
This is an urban legend and there are 10’s if not 100’s of similar urban legend email rumors that are sent all over the internet. If you want to know if something is true or a myth, check
snopes.com
http://urbanlegends.about.com/
Or other similar websites. Dont be so gullible!
Of course, frum women are safe from this because the Odyssey has a rear window wiper. Refuah koidem l’maka!
Well I guess it doesn’t hurt to be know that if someone was creative enough to make this email up- others might be creative enough to actually put this idea into action!
To my star pupil,
I am writing this letter to let you know what I think of you. Up here in heaven things are not like they are down on Earth. Over there, people only know what they can see. If they see a person is “successful”, they think that he is the greatest guy. When they see somebody struggling, they think he might be one of the weaker elements.
Let me tell you something. Hashem gives every person certain abilities that nobody knows about down where you live. Some people are capable of tremendous things, while others were put there for much smaller purposes. Only Hashem in His infinite wisdom is able to give every person exactly what he needs, to reach his potential.
I am very misunderstood. Most people hate me, and I don’t really blame them. Most people think that my job is to make sure that they fail in all aspects of Mitzvos, and that I rejoice every time they sin. This is the furthest thing from the truth. Did you ever watch a boxing coach train his student? It is really a funny sight. The coach will put on gloves, and fight against his student. At first, he won’t hit him so hard, or throw his best punches. But, as the student gets better and better, the coach will start to fight him harder and harder. He does this so that the student will improve his skills, and become the best boxer he can be. This is where it gets strange. Every time the coach knocks down the student, the student gets yelled at!! But finally, when the coach threw everything he has at his student, and not only does he withstand the beating, but he knocks the coach down, there is nobody in the world happier then the coach himself!
This is exactly how I feel. If you fail right away, and don’t even try to fight back, I see that there is not much talent to work with, and so I take it easy on you. But if you get back up swinging, I realize that I may have a real winner here, and so I start to intensify the beating. With every level that you go up, I increase the intensity of the fight. If you finally deal me a blow that knocks me out, I will get up and embrace you and rejoice with your success.
Sometimes my job is very disappointing I see a person with a lot of potential and I start right in on him. He fights back for a while, but when the fight gets too tough, he quits and just remains on whatever level he was on. (And he usually ends up going down!) I feel like yelling at him, “Get up you fool! Do you have any idea how much more you could be accomplishing?!” But I am not allowed to do so. I just leave him alone, and go try to find another promising candidate.
If I have chosen you to be the target of my more fierce battles, it was not for no reason! You have tremendous ability! You were born into a very special family, you have Rabbeim who really care about you, and parents who would help you grow in Torah and Mitzvos. You are a very respectful and kind person.
Always remember one thing: you have a secret weapon at your disposal. I shouldn’t really be telling you – but I will anyway. Hashem himself is watching our “training” sessions very closely. I’m pleased to inform you that He’s rooting for you! If things should ever get tough, almost too tough to bear, just callout to Him with a prayer, and He will immediately come to your aid. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that after 120 years when your time is up in that world of falsehood, you will come up here to the world of truth, where I will be waiting for you with open arms, to congratulate you on your victory, and personally escort you to your place next to the Kisey HaKavod.
Sincerely, and with great admiration I remain,
Your Yetzer Hara
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words. Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?” The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.” I wrote: “Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it.” Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so blessed that they were not blind.
Poster
Deep
Poster, I like the poster. That was very good!
Profound
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
A+
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi. ” Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,” she says. ”Who will be the lucky one?” The wise old Rabbi answers: ” Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”
The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’
‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’
She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘ Middle Wife’ comes along.
Now you have two choices….laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!!!!
Be Happy, i had a real, well needed, hearty laugh!!
I just received a bunch of amazing forwards- they’re just all videos…a pity I can’t post them…
cool im number 500
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