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Sparked by my disagreement with Sac.
(http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/dating-someone-your-friend-went-out-with)
Any suggestions?
It depends if your feelings are healthy or unhealthy.
It is normal and healthy to continue to have feelings for someone you had a relationship with. Probably, these feelings should lessen with time, and with your having other relationships.
These feelings probably will be stronger when you are alone, or when you are reminded of them.
If you are creating obsessions, that may be a different issue.
Swallow it.
“Swallow it. “
You ARE a guy, right? Nobody just “swallows” it. If there is real attachment, it is painful and hurtful, trying to get over a broken relationship. This is like telling someone suffering from a broken leg, “STAND UP, ALREADY!” Life is not like that.
The thing of it is, the loss of a close relationship is like a death, in terms of the emotional and visceral reactions a person might have. Both, need to be grieved. The problem is when the grieving is overly long or disproportionately negatively affecting the person grieving. If they cannot eat or sleep, then professional help may be required. Ditto, if one becomes obsessive.
Go on a long car ride with a rabbi to Monticello, and he will explain it all to you:
“M’darf vissen ven tsu koifen, Vissen ven tsu loifen ,
Vissen ven tsu dreien git, Un ven tsu handlen fein,
Besser red nisht vus m’darf nisht, Un gei nisht vi e m’tur nisht ,
Yo, s’iz git tsi furen, besser iz tsi bleiben in der heim.
“Yeder Chochem veist , Az a yid miz zein b’simcha ,
Danken borey oilam, Far alles vos men hut .
Inn halt di torah teier ; Veil dortin brent a feier!
Un gib a sach tzedukeh , Veil parnuseh kimt fin Got.
AKA:
Know when to walk away, and know when to run.
Plus:
i say cry, see a shrink and the move on….
obviously cedarhurst bh never experienced a bad break up….but i have had my share, and let me tell u it def hurts because i still love them. But if a guys a good guy, and it didnt work out due to technical difficulties or wtvr, i would def set him up with my friends, and i have!!!
Time. Time heals all. Thats why Hash-m created shikchah.
It helps not to discuss your dates with friends to begin with. Friends have a tendency to help you romanticize and read more into the situation than what is actually happening. A parent or dating coach will help you hold back a little more until “HE” shows he hand first.
I think every girls starts to picture herself “married” to the guy to see what it would be like. The more you date the guy the more comfortable you get with the idea. As you discuss it with friends they push you more into the fantasy and tell you “for sure, yeah he is in to you, wow he said that, and so on…” What you really need to do, is just take each date for what it is and wait it out logically to see where it is heading.
How does one get over it? Everyone is different. If you can pull out your bitachon and emunah and lean on that, it would help a lot. Know that it is going to hurt a lot, but that this one is going to bring you closer to your real true zivig. Understand, if you could, that everything happens for a reason. Try to realize that if it wasn’t meant to be, it is better that you found that out now and not further down the line when you would have been even more devastated.
Do something nice for yourself. Take a spa day. Surround yourself with positive energy so you can feel and believe that it has nothing to do with YOU and may not have anything to do with HIM, it is just not meant to be this particular match. LOVE yourself and surround yourself with people who love you. Go to the pet store and play with the puppies.
Time. Time heals all. Thats why Hash-m created shikchah.
Also so the poor people could have more food.
Pops – GOOD one!
Homeowner
“Such compassion”
Yea, seems to be a theme as of late.
it’s tough but you have to live in the present not looking at the past..”shoulda,coulda,woulda but didn’t” I normally get over it within a week (not saying it’s easy)
one thing I always do is suggest him (if he’s worth it)for my friends chances are they might work!
When going out there’s always a chance either one of you will say no-you have to be prepared for it.
Sometimes these “breakups” are learning experiences you get to see what you like about the guy and can focus on looking for similar guys–just careful with that you might find yourself comparing him to the next guy(which isn’t fair)
I know you’re not supposed to explain jokes, but I’m sitting here scratching my head about the poor people and their food and not getting anywhere. Care to enlighten the slow ones among us who could use a good laugh?
oomis,
I’m a guy, but, i still agree with your post
very hard, very painful
As my s/n suggests, I am a guy and I have gotten into relationships with a few girls where it didn’t work out. Even when it was mutual or my side, it was somewhat hard. It was much harder when it came from the girl. Anyone who doesn’t understand this has b”H never been in the situation and is completely clueless about relationships. Hashem created us to have companionship. When we have it, and then we don’t it is, as someone pointed out, akin to losing a loved one. I am not talking about going out with a girl once or twice (although for some people that is difficult in its own way for different reasons). I am talking about a relationship where you feel comfortable calling the other person or showing up at their house whenever you feel like it, etc. It is almost like being married in a small way. To lose that person is like losing a limb, c”v. It’s never easy to get over. Some circumstances are easier than others but it is absolutely always hard. Anyone from the yeshivish (5 dates and you’re engaged) world would have no clue about this (not that there is anything wrong with that approach but it doesn’t facilitate sensitivity in this field).
Mother
Peah, Leket, Shikcha.
Remember that people are neither as great (not usually as bad) as you remember. You remember the “starry” but not necessarily the bad. Why didn’t it work out? Was s/he rude? Did s/he have a twitch that drove you crazy? Did you find out s/he lied?
However, sometimes people break up and get back together. That happened to my sister and BIL.
I was going to mention that these breakups might go back together I personally know a few cases -we’re talking about a year after the break….i agree with you you normally only think of the good times you had with him
…if you are interested in getting back together try to have someone redd it..the timing might have been off…a year can be a long time…but I’m warning you I heard that when you get back together it’s extra pressure to see if it works…so think before getting involved again
“oomis,
I’m a guy, but, i still agree with your post
very hard, very painful”
Based on your SN alone, sounds like you have not had an easy time of it.
oomis,
How is that?
Explain Please
Why is the vulgar and repulsive comment of Cedarhurst allowed to stand?
Why was my criticism of it that was posted deleted with no explanation? What’s the purpose of “moderation” if a moderator approves your post and it then disappears?
EDITED
Thank you for your concerns, our special team of moderators will look into it.
The best way to get over something is to move on.
The Jews got over slavery and look at us, unlike the blacks who wont let it go, it continues to destroy them.
DATED has the word dead, so move on sister, we all did.
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