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As a bachur in yeshiva, I was looking forward to the years ahead. I was considered a baal kishran, and I envisioned a life of torah ugedula bemakom echad. That was then.
Now in my sixties, it did not work out that way. I never got married, I faced one financial setback after another; physically and emotionally I am not in the best of shape. According to a respected mekubal; I have no mazal.
How do I manage to get out of bed in the morning? shivrey luchos munachim bearon; the fact that all my dreams have been shattered, leaves me only with learning to occupy my time.
I am keenly aware, that many of my friends and acquaintances of years past are success stories, and no longer associate themselves with people of my kind. I don’t get the invitations to simchas. Shame on them. At the final stage in life, in the nursing home, we are all in the same boat.
Good mazal is a matana min hashamayim. Your success is primarily not related to any of your effort. Definitely not a basis for being condescending to the rest of us
Have you been in touch with them throughout the years or did you lose touch with them decades ago?
I wonder if this is relevant:
“He [Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa] would say: Anyone that the spirit of people is pleased with him – the spirit of the Omnipresent is pleased with him; but anyone that the spirit of people is not pleased with him – neither is the spirit of the Omnipresent pleased with him.”
Pirkei Avos 3:13are you sure that you always did your proper hishtadlus? when it came to finding a shidduch or a job before giving up? how many years were you working on it before stopping? 5 10 or 20 years or more? a person should NEVER give up his hope for success & help directly from Hashem forever until he is niftar. That would mean still looking for a job & a shidduch. Why did you stop? nothing is impossible. I know many people who have gotten married first time in their 50’s or 60’s etc… & many people who have found jobs that can work for them even in their 70’s so they can make ends meet & also keep a daily schedule etc…
start to work on yourself, by looking for a job that is in your league for your age now & speak to some shadchanim with your resume updated to today’s information etc….
HATZLACHA
I dont think its anyones fault, peoples lives change, People move . Peoples wants and desires change. Old friends become acquanices and even strangers. New friends come. Its just the circle of life.
How do you know how it was in der alte heim?
At what point/age would you describe yourself as having had your “star faded” and thus they lost touch with you?
Most of my friends were married by 23-24. One of my best friends got married at 26 (before me). Those couple of years till he got married, I used to hear every day about how it’s not right that when a good friend gets married they stop being friends and about how he would be different.
He was no different. Once he got married I started getting once a year shana tova emails.
But I don’t blame him. Life is insanely busy and a persons priorities need to change. I am divorced with two families and long hours to support both families. It is difficult to balance everything, and I don’t really maintain any real friendships outside of family (except for an occasional bbq once a year to “catch up” with old friends and of course my deep ties to the coffee room addicts).It is sad, and I probably should call people more often. But its difficult, there is only so much time and energy in a day. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating facts as I perceive them.
Does this excuse the fact that people don’t pick up the phone to call you? no. But to be honest, what my friend didn’t understand as a single guy but understood after marriage is that yeshiva friends are temporary friends. The deeper “friendships” are family and that becomes the priority.
HatzlochoHi Heimishe,
I think everyone here is missing the point. It sounds like your going through some very difficult stuff and these are your feelings. You feel hurt and abandoned and no one can (or should) argue with that.
May Hashem give you (and others) the Koach to regain that personal/meaningful connection with others that you so crave and need.I Keenly feel your pain… Really… earnestly.
And my humble little piece of advice to you, is the same as HaShem told Avraham, צא מאצטגינות שלך, who cares what Mekubalim, etc. see into you. You can change at any time you want. As long as you have a living, breathing Neshama within you, you can change your ENTIRE being!! You CAN bring yourself, AT ANY AGE, to a full 180 turn.
Take a peek at some of our greatest – who only started their career at an advanced age.
That’s a human. One can start his (or her) engines at any stage in life and soar to the greatest of heights!! What a shame to listen to the naysayers (within and without) and give up such an opportunity and potential for greatness and perfection.
May your light shine bright and far!!!
Well as the old saying goes “Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate” But seriously it is unlikely that they are consciously avoiding you because they don’t associate themselves with people of your kind. Rather it is probably because they have moved in different way and have much less common ground with you. (out of sight out of mind)It is also very likely that they aren’t inviting you to simchos because they are scared that doing so would be rubbing in your face how they have families and you don’t (yet).
Put yourself in their shoes. Had the vision you had for yourself of torah ugedula bemakom echad,came true how often would you still be thinking about those who you knew forty years ago that didn’t make it?
When you were the one who was considered a baal kishran, and envisioned a life of torah ugedula bemakom echad,how much attention did you pay to the bochrim who found learning difficult, were not socially adept and had no friends?
I feel your pain and don’t ever give up hope. But I think you are mistaken that your friends dumped you because of who you are . To be honest , none of my friends from my Yeshiva years have any connection with me. Not because they did so deliberately but because it happens to almost everyone. People move on in life to different communities and they forget about they youth connections.
Hello Dear broken Heimishe heart,
I have 2 comments:
First, your coming out, taking time to post and vent inner emotional feelings is something GOOD you did. Take the advice and courage the people here post.
Second, your belief in what that Mekubal said, is something very WRONG. Because that means that you don’t believe that HaShem is a KOL YOCHEL!Join a Chasidishe shul, make a Lechaim – life will shine!
P.S.
This is so sad.
We need moshiach.Troll.
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