Friends being a bad influence

Influence can go in both directions. Just as she might influence you away from Torah observance, you might influence her toward it. Maintain the friendship, as it is obviously valuable to you, but monitor yourself– does she put you in awkward situations or is she respectful of your lifestyle? If you find yourself starting to slip because of a comment she made or wishing you could do the things she does, that might be a good time to consider ending it. But for now (unless you have had these thoughts already) there is no need to break off ties.

One more thought: in terms of influence (generally speaking), I actually think that somewhat religious people or those who keep some things are more dangerous than those who are completely secular. After all, how does a person go off the derech? Does he suddenly decide he is done with everything? Maybe in some cases, but usually it is a gradual process– he rationalizes one thing, then another, and eventually everything is gone. Therefore, secular friends are really not a problem because their lifestyles are so drastically different that they are unlikely to influence you. Those who are some degrees less religious than you, but still observe some things, may be more powerful tools of the Satan. I still do not think, though, that you need to cut off ties immediately with this person as long as you maintain a self-awareness.

ultimaterock: kol hakavod to you! May you continue to grow from stregnth to stregnth! We all fall to peer pressure. If you feel that keeping a close connection to this friend may sway you, then back away. I always thought i was strong spiritually and wouldnt fall for certain things. However, I made a close friend and after a few months, i noticed a subtle change in myself. I realized i was unconsiously picking up things that i would never have imagined myself falling for! I quickly backed off and although it took some time, i was able to work on myself and correct what i needed to.

jewishfeminist02: While what you say may be true for some, I feel it can be detrimental to most. Not everyone is strong enough to control the small things that may influence them without them realizing it.

Think of how telling someone you can’t be friends with them will affect their view of the frum community. As a yet to become Baal Teshuva, I strongly feel that the traditional Jews really need to work on righting their outward image of being unfriendly.

What would Rabbi Hillel or Baal Shem Tov say?

Instead of pushing them away, ask them to be part of your community by inviting to your Shul or for a Shabbas meal.

If your hafifnik friend is convinced they’re doing things 100% correctly, and if they think their be diavad lifestyle is lechatchila and there’s no chance of having a good hashpa’ah on them, then I can see why they’d make a bad friend. I recently was in a situation where I dated someone for a few months who was seemingly interested in becoming a baalat teshuva; her father was raised frum, but he went off the derech before he hot married to the girl’s very secular mother. At first, she was observant but this waned throughout the relationship and she ultimately decided that being religious wasn’t for her and that she really isn’t religious. The lesson I learned is that deep commitment to Judaism is something that must be present in all I-Thou relationships. I make friends and will ultimately want to marry someone who is as into Judaism as I am; it’s not something that you do on shabbos or when you go to shul. Judaism isn’t a religion. It’s something that either permeates your entire being and influences your entire life and all your decisions, or it doesn’t. You either have Torah or you don’t. My best friends are those who submit themselves wholeheartedly to Torah and the halakhic system and make it their entire life.

I think that the posters in this thread have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a “friend” is. To be honest, I don’t have any friends, so it could be me, but my impression from books and the like is that friends are not so much selected as uncovered and evolved. If you bond with someone and care about them, you don’t turn it off because it suits you.

A hafifnik is someone who’d we consider somewhat traditional or observant of certain things but not of others. I guess like conservadoxish to the American mind. It’s an Israeli appellation for those whose religious commitments are kind of half-baked; i.e. they may keep kosher in the home, but not so strictly outside of the home. Such a person is probably leninent about things like premarital sex, or tzniut, or tefillah; they maintain social and synagogue ties to the Orthodox community, but they’re not what we’d think of as frum.

would veer to caution if your trying to be mekariv her –prob. would mess up your friendship. if she asks why or what of your observances then answer but try avoiding kiruv ppl don’t accept unless they’re interested.

ultimaterock- if you would have been brought up religious, and are asking whether to become friends with people who are not religious I would not advise it. Since this is not the case, why drop friends that did nothing wrong to you? You’re the one who changed. If they want to drop you, that’s their choice. You didn’t join some crazy cult that makes you leave everything behind. You just have obligations, and if your friends are respectful of that than you can go right on being friends. You may find that you have less in common, and it is likely that you’ll end up drifting apart because of that, but I don’t see the need to deliberately end it. Your friends are not reshaim if they were never raised with religion, and therefore if you can go right on doing mitzvos it’s not a problem.

Gamanit- I completely agree. “Breaking off ties” is a bit extreme and definitely reminds me of cultishness. If you think it may drag you down then perhaps try to limit and avoid initiating contact and don’t seek out such friendships, but to cut off all contact is extreme.

APY: Call me obtuse, but I don’t get the story…

apashutayid: thanks for sharing! That was sharp!

writersoul: It says in Velamalshinim: v’chol harisha’ah krega toveid vihazeidim, miheira siaker, usishaber, usmager.. And in english that means “..and all the wicked ones in a minute be destroyed and the (not sure of the exact meaning of the word zeidim, but its along the lines of ‘evil ones’) quickly uproot and break (not sure of the exact meaning of the word ‘semager’ but its a similar meaning to siaker and sishaber)

As one of the above posters mentioned I think there needs to be a definition of what a “friend” is, and what being friends with a person entails.

Each situation must be handled differently and each person should have a Rav or Rebitzen whom he/she can go to in order to seek out advice.

However, if I may be so bold as to state my opinion. Unless it is going to be clearly detrimental to a person there is no reason to break off an interpersonal relationship. I feel that Baalei Tshuva and FFB alike need to strengthen themselves in emunah to the point that we are not afraid to be friends with people because of their “influence”. We have the light and therefore should be able to push away any darkness that they bring.

One of the things the world today lacks is people talking to people. Human interaction has been reduced to texts and tweets and anonymous blog posts like this. We have lost the ability to connect properly. To break one of the last remnants because of hashkafic differences is insane. Now of course I am not saying to go to a party, or be mchalel shabbos h”v to maintain a friendship. Each person has the ability to control an aspect of the relationship.

OP if this is what your rebbeim have told you than I am not one to argue. And especially if you are single it is even more difficult. But please think about the benefits for yourself, for your friends, and for all of klal yisroel.