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so this is the story: after school a bunch of girls stayed to help prepare for a GO activity the next day. All was going well until i walked into an empty classroom-or so i thought, and saw an 11th grader crying in the back of the room. I asked her what was wrong, thinking it was just a bad test grade or something like that but oh was i wrong. she blurted out her whole life story:
she said she has no real friends. whenever shes invited out somewhere she can see that they are only inviting her out of pity, she always feels like a tag along. at home she has no siblings and said her parents mean well but are just simply boring and not “with it”. she feels she is going crazy from boredom at home. she has nothing to do in her free time cuz she sees that other girls either hang out with friends/sibling, or at least talk to them on the phone, she said “her phone barely ever rings”. she said shes not doing as well in school as she would like because no one ever wants to study with her and she has no one really at home to help her like other girls…
basically she said that she is very lonely and because of all this, she feels like shes going crazy and doesn’t know what to do. not knowing what to say after all that, i tried to comfort her and told her she can always come to me with whatever she needs. this conversation left me very disturbed, my heart goes out to her but i just don’t know how to help her! so CR, im turning to you.
How am i supposed to help someone like this? and is there any advice for those who come across this that are in a similar situation???
I see you’ve addressed this question directly to me, “those going crazy”. Been there (ever since) done that (oh yeah, and much more).
The first thing you can do is to extend a loving, caring arm. Physically and emotionally. Let her know you’re there for her whenever she should need support, assistance, comfort. How about letting you and her explore her unique admirable qualities. EVERYONE has. Let it shine out, let her friends be made aware to. Get her to be admired, loved, “in”. With caring, devotion, some exertion, it can be achieved. -my opinion. (again, you directed this solely to me)
Telling her to come to you is nice but it doesn’t address the part of her feeling like a tag-along. But you can make a friendship. Don’t (just) invite her into a larger affair. To things with her alone. Visit her on Shabbos. But still, don’t dedicate your life to this cause and don’t drop your friends.
Something very important for this and for many situations, kindness is more than your outward expression. When you smile to someone, don’t think to yourself that you have to smile to this ‘Nebech.’ Although you are aware that the initial cause of you friendship with her began for her benefit, there is no reason to relate this to yourself, to actively entertain this idea, ever again.
To tell you the truth, the whole problem sounds like teenage temporary attitude stuff. People compare their life with others and are suddenly overwhelmed with self-pity.
I’d first of all ask the mods to take down a lot of that post- if I were her I wouldn’t want my whole vent up on the internet.
Besides for, well, calling her (you know, she vented to you, be friendly back) there’s probably not much you can do. Trust me, I’ve been there- it’s not until tenth grade and on that I really developed a solid friend group and before that, I was pretty much in gehennom.
Just a nice place to insert a vent- the WORST thing you can do (and I don’t mean you, RisingSun, I mean anyone in any similar situation) is to do what all of the charismatic Chessed heads and teachers and speakers say and “reach out! Go over to someone you never talk to, the kid who looks lonely, and say hi! You don’t know how happy you make them!” To qualify that statement, every time I’ve heard a teacher say that, it’s always been with the very clear undertones of “nebach! You need to cheer her up! Make her feel like someone cares and bang! there’s your chesed of the day!” And every time after that, I’ve been approached by random bubbly girls who stop in front of wherever I’m sitting and eating lunch in front of my homework and say “hi! So how’s stuff? Good? Yeah, me too. Oh, sorry, gotta go.” It’s patronizing and we know EXACTLY what you’re trying to do. There are some girls who might theoretically be genuinely good friends if they ever took the time to make more than a token gesture to give a warm fuzzy feeling.
Fine, be nice, but just put about a microsecond of thought into it first. Be clear in your head that you’re genuinely expanding your horizons and not just fulfilling an obligation- and if the girl doesn’t look like she wants to talk to anyone (sometimes, I actually WANT to be reading that six hundred page book) then just SKIP IT.
/endbitterrant.
ANYWAY…
She sounds like she’s going through a hard time. Besides for GENUINELY being there for her (if you’re going to treat it as a chore, just don’t bother), all you can do is be sympathetic. She vented to you once and chances are she’s going to avoid you in the halls now- there really isn’t very much you can do to help her without making her feel like an idiot for spilling to some random kid in a different grade.
I wish you and this girl both a lot of hatzlacha.
HaLeiVi: And that might not give this girl a lot of pain? If someone has a headache and someone’s like, “oh, it’s just a migraine, she always has migraines,” does that make it less of an issue? RisingSun just wants to help if she can- unfortunately, she probably can’t.
Help her!!!!!!!!!!
Are you in her grade?????????
Than you can help!! Even if you aren’t everybody needs someone sometimes…..even me
Iv’e been there, and I have tonz of things to write, but I have limited time.
So:
1. She should join a group in her class, an after school activity not related to school, invite, give her self confidence and tell her to go up to people and show them all she has to offer. If they still snub her, I wouldn’t want to be those girls friends anyway…Good Luck!!!!
If she doesn’t want to see you since she’s embarrassed, write her a note, make sure no one else sees it. Give her chizuk in the note and write down your phone number if she ever wants to call.
Notes usually work,
and Writersoul: Those bubbly girls you mentioned in YOUR post, I’m one of them, and trust me. I do it because Ive been there and now I have my few close friends, but I see others do not, and personally I want more friends. Those “bubbly” girls that say hi, might be breaking inside and THEY could be looking for another friend.
DON’T JUDGE!!!!
I see other bubbly girls who don’t say hi, those are the ones who really don’t care.
When I say hi, I’m trying to cheer up myself also and gain a friend, I don’t think she is the nebach at all. I understand them…
You should smile to everyone! Like me, even if I really hate the queen of the class, I will smile and say good morning in a bubbly way and sound interested in her life like I do with anyone else (even though we both know we both hate each other)
Is that selective reading? I wrote how to deal with her. Then I wrote to understand that this is not a tragedy, and it should be understood in the right context. The issue seems to be imagined, since a large part of the sob is about the natural situation, and looking at everybody else as having fun-filled, busy lives while she is left out of it all. Thinking this way probably made her view friendships the same way, and it sounds thrown in as well.
So yes, she is going through something so be nice and be a real friend. But don’t eat yourself up over it. It is something that will pass. Just like you grew past thinking you’re ugly you’ll grow past these feelings.
Lots of people might take this the wrong way so I’m sorry in advance. When people say they have no friends feel left out, etc it makes me really upset! At a certain point if the popular kids don’t want to be friends with you MOVE ON! Find your own group of friends! I don’t mean to be callous as I went through this in seventh grade and I remember how hard it was for me. But at a certain point you have to stop wallowing in self pity and make your own group of friends. And yes they might not be exactly the type you want to hang out with but your alternative is no one. I did that for a few years and now I have a great group of friends. But when I see other people complaining that we aren’t nice enough I just wish they’d make their own friends instead of focusing that they’re not friends with us.
Along the lines of Fkelly, I also had periods of losing friends and the like. As an introvert you learn to choose your friends carefully and you land up with lasting friendships with stronger bonds than shouting and running together.
RisingSun,
how are things going with this girl?
Yes please invite her for Shabbos! Together with another friend of yours, so she’ll meet more people and it will be easier, less intense. Invite a few more friends round for Shabbos lunch or afternoon…just do your bit, you never know how much it could turn her life around for the good, if she makes friends, her self esteem will increase…who knows how much she could improve then. Good Luck, Hashem will help you!!
Great to hear!
“To tell you the truth, the whole problem sounds like teenage temporary attitude stuff. People compare their life with others and are suddenly overwhelmed with self-pity.”
HaLevivi – This is NOT i repeat NOT what advice she should tell her because a teenager (talking from experience) does NOT wanna hear this even if it is true which it totally is not…..
not having friends aka support is the worst pain in the world its NOT teenage temporary stuff If u never went thought u’ll never understand it and I bless u that u will never understaund it a promlem shared is a promlem halfed I can’t its so painful tell her I wanna be friends w/ her im crying for her yes do say hi if u do it out of pity it will be felt & she will feel like a nebach but pep who do it sincerely it will end up coming across & she won’t feel like a neach
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