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To tell or not to tell parents /inlaws and close family members of your due date?
Are there halachos/minhagim to not tell snyone and what it the basis for either way?My parents did not believe in telling the due dates. We followed them and did not divulge the exact dates, only around the date (early June, middle June). There are those who do not say anything about the pregnancy during the first trimester unless she starts showing.
Kibud Av V’Eim.
Besides the minhagim involved, there is another hazard in telling people a due date. – nobody’s told the baby! Babies generally arrive when they’re ready. They don’t have a little calendar in which they faithfully count down to the date the doctor gave. And the doctor gives the date based on averages, and each mother is different.
If you give out a specific date, and the baby decides to be “late,” what then? You’ll just have a lot of worried friends and family.Give the kid (and the mother) a break. Give out only a vague date, and save the worry.
I know there is an inyan about not telling anyone about the pregnancy in the first trimester because there is still a high possibility of miscarriage ch”v but I don’t know the source. I would tell my parents after that first trimester but didn’t tell anyone else until the 6th or so. We definitely didn’t tell any due dates because of what Midwest mentioned above, but not because people around me would worry, more because they became really irritating. Every time I made a call to family I would hear, “oh, I thought maybe you were calling from the hospital”, “gosh are you still waiting?”. Patience is sparce in those last days (weeks) so the barrage drove me nuts.
Joseph, ditto.
If parents believe they need to know, then all minhugim go out the window.
T22T: I don’t know if there is a source but my parents didn’t do it and I followed their lead. I know that I didn’t want phone calls like “it’s 2 days past the date, why aren’t they inducing or why aren’t they doing a c-section”. That is a personal choice.
When we were expecting my first, my Rov, one of the biggest in these inyanim in Jlem, instructed me to tell them right away.
Kibud av v’aim means you can lie by a couple of weeks. Always tell them two weeks later, which could anyway wind up being the truth. It’s true that they’re your parents, but chai-ye-cho kodem.
And a word to mothers-in-law, who are obviously also mothers, don’t stay at your daughter-in law after she has a baby. So you want to come to Israel for the bris? Find another place to stray. And don’t hang around their house the whole day. It is a very sensitive time and the hurts and wounds can last for generations. My mother-in-law ruined almost every simcha we ever had.
I even know a woman who refused to name any of her daughters after her paternal grandmother. (Her mother’s mother-in-law) So what did that mother-in-law gain? To be forgotten! Even another sibling who did use the name, did not have her in mind and the child doesn’t even know who she’s named after.
So take advice from a great-grandmother who’s also a mother -in- law and also a daughter -in- law, and be careful.
And mazel tov!
T22T: It seems that even you agree one doesn’t have to state the exact due date. As I stated above (#1526704) we told our parents around a certain time period, not an exact date. If you tell your friends the expected date and don’t tell your parents then I can see that as a zilzul of your parents kavod.
T22T: I never claimed it to be a minhag. My parents told us that they didn’t tell anyone an exact date and they didn’t expect us to tell them an exact date. Nor do I expect my children to divulge the due date. We did tell our parents after the first trimester that we were expecting and a general “around chanukah” or “just after pesach” as the due date.
I agree with you that the case you mentioned the parents had a right to be upset.
Takes2-2tango,
“One what is the minhag based on ,assuming there is even a minhag.”
I don’t think anyone here is claiming that there is a minhag to be vague about or to not share the due date. Rather it is done for the reason Syag stated above – to avoid a fixation on the due date that can cause stress for the expecting parents at a time when they really, really don’t need any extra stress. Only 5% of women actually give birth on their due date – it’s a very flat curve with a standard distribution of over 2 weeks (!!) Around a quarter of women don’t give birth even within 10 days of the due date.
“2)Even if yoi wont give an exact date, why cant you give an approximation. +/- 2 weeks.”
I don’t understand why you are asking iacisrmma this – s/he has already stated that this is what they do.
“I know people who over all very logical/mentchlich people ,but when it comes to telling parents/ inlaws they act as if its non of your business to ask or know. “
Perhaps the reason some couples are more hesitant to tell parents is that the parents are much more invested than friends, and thus unfortunately more likely to generate the late pregnancy stress – especially if they are not sensitive or understanding. That said, I agree with Joseph’s point regarding kibud av v’eim. So my personal opinion would be to give the general idea as iacisrmma does, and tell the parents that we are not relying on the due date provided by the doctors, because it doesn’t have much meaning and that focusing on a specific date causes distress. So no real information is being withheld at all. I think most loving parents would be fine with that.
A word of advice – ask your own family Rov what to do. It’s really neither here nor there what other people’s Minhagim are although you can ask if you’re interested.
There’s no halacha anyway. Different people are told different things and it depends sometimes on the situation and on how you feel, so you will tell that to the Rov.
Beshaah tovahThis seems to be a rather silly debate….do whatever both of you (mother/father) are comfortable with and don’t feel bound by old bubba meisas, “its bad luck,” etc. stories. Most parents will respect the mother’s privacy and be more than happy with “she’s due about the 3rd week of February” or “just before the yom tovim” etc.
I know someone who had her first child a month after her supposed due date. That was a very tense month.
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