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Did you have a system of how often you spoke/met with your chosson/kallah while you were engaged, or did you maintain a friend relationship as in “whenever we want” speak/meet/text etc…
What are your thoughts about limiting talk/visits during the engagement period?
It is best, and most healthy, to strictly limit contact. It is also helpful to have as short as possible engagement, unless you have almost no contact.
I agree that it is best to have as short an engagement as is possible. However, I believe that only you and your chosson/Kallah and parents involved can decide how often or not you should speak or see each other. Some couples are so shy with each other that they need to get to know each other to just feel comfortable with each other. Some are very friendly and comfortable already and parents might want them to NOT see each other too often or not alone.
Shoots. And I figured this thread is announcing one of the CR’s engagement.
It is best, and most healthy, to strictly limit contact.
Based on what evidence?
we never spoke during engagement because a couple should not get to know each other until after the wedding. I am told that in more machmir circles, the couple try to avoid communicating until after shana rishona.
hahaha,ROTFL, Shrek! Happy Purim!!!! ;=D
I have friends who had very short engagements. They told me had they hadn’t been so naive, young and pressured (into marrying so quickly)they would have waited longer before getting married. Why? When the tough got going their husbands were not mature enough nor did they have the tools/techniques to deal with the issue at hand. Also, when they saw their husbands’ quick tempers and how they acted or reacted to a situation, they said they would have ran the other way.
if u follow the rule…if u have nothing nice to say, dont say anything….then u should not be talking to each other at all.
send text messages instead.
We saw each other several times a week and spoke on the phone at least once a day.
walton157: That argument might be for longer dating times, not longer engagements. Once they are engaged to be married, they are already engaged and made their marital partner decision already. As far as dating times, there are many very strong arguments why it should be shorter, but that is another topic for an appropriate thread. Here the discussion is appropriate contact and length of engagement, not dating.
Imagine you can offer an engaged couple, right after they got engaged, that Eliyahu Hanovie will take care of all their wedding arraignments within two weeks, including invites, every detail of the hall, dress, residence etc etc. Do you know of any couple that would not want to get married at the end of two weeks?
I’d say 90%+ would want to get married ASAP. Simply, arraignments take time, and we usually don’t have Eliyahu offering his full services in this way.
Now, since the couple would preferably married, rather than engaged, spending excessive amounts of time together will highlight the fact that they’re only engaged, and not married.
This breeds frustration. Desires for marriage and what it entails become unnaturally strong, but since we’re limited, we become frustrated at the situation.
Before long though, the frustration shifts from the situation to the person bringing the frustration.
Too much time together during engagement can be a root for a rocky start.
On the other hand, the dating period should be taken seriously, and should not be needlessly rushed, at all.
I enjoyed my 9 month engagement. I spend plenty of time with my husband (then fiance). I don’t understand the point of limited contact.
If you are worried about inappropriate conduct within the engagement time period, the better questions is why the engaged couple is engaging in yichud to begin with.
I don’t think there’s one system that can work for everyone.
Experiencing frustrations during the engagement process is normal. However, it is definitely a great time to see how a person handles the frustration. As the mishna says, you only truly know a person through b’kiso, b’kaso, b’koso. Anger and the way they deal with it will show you what you are getting into. I also feel couples counseling should be mandatory during the engagement so the couple learns how to deal with the frustrations and anger in a constructive way.
When I was engaged, my wife and I had this rule that we do not discuss ANYTHING about the wedding or what are parents want. If my in-laws wanted something, let them speak to my parents directly. Not through my wife who then tells me etc. There were a few situations where my parents asked me to ask my in-laws to give in or change something. I politely provided my parents with their number and informed them that since I am not paying for the wedding, I am only a guest. As a guest I should have any say or power at this event and my kallah and I chose to stay completely out. This saved my wife and I a lot of aggravations.
“I am told that in more machmir circles, the couple try to avoid communicating until after shana rishona. “
You think yur joking but couples really shouldnt spend too much time together espeshally in the early years when he should be focusing on learning. Its better for him to spend his spare time learning when hes young than to spend it in wastefull conversation.
We had a short engagement (9 wks!) which I recommend to EVERYONE! Once you decide to get married, that you’re ready- why wait?
My husband was overseas most of our engagement, which now looking back was great! We spoke, wrote, texted all the time, but we only saw eachother a bit right after engagement and again a few times when he came back before the wedding. Being together alot only makes it harder. I’ve seen it by my friends,they were seeing eachother all the time and #1 getting very desperate (leading to saying things that should not be said…)and #2 they got too comfortable that they were having arguments, disagreements… before they’re wedding!!!
mosherose, which are you? –
a) Single and completely clueless about the Torah hashkafa of marriage
b) Unhappily married
c) Getting a kick out of making false and inflammatory statements to get a rise out of other people
If it’s a or b, please seek out guidance. If c, it’s really not funny, and you may turn people away from a Torah-true lifestyle.
Moshe Rose is obviously a marriage counselor
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