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I am making a Simcha at a place with a very good hasgacha , One segment of the community has a different level of Kashruth than the rest (Which I am not sure this is permitted anyway because communities are supposed to have ONE STANDARD) this is not in Brooklyn. This community has ONE STANDARD .
One Family member is driving me up the wall with Chumros. I had to order them a special meal (Otherwise Id have to pay the caterer if they ate or not) , get special candy for the kids (OU Twizzlers is not good enough, only Hemish stuff) Ordering a cake from a special Bakery
If its your simcha, I understand enforcing Chumros, But making others suffers is not the point and let me say the restaurant has a very good Hasghcha (Its a Meat meal – So Chalov Yisroel is not an option).
I have bent over backwards to make sure they come and will eat and not starve their kids (There will be candy and it will be cruel to have candy for everyone and their kids cant eat), but they still seem to make more demands
Tell them too bad. It’s your simcha, not theirs. You don’t have to drive yourself crazy when you’re already under pressure just from making the simcha. If they won’t eat the food, so be it. Let them eat at home either before or after.
Tell them to put up or….
Let them eat cake!
but please make sure the cake is yoshon and gluten free and sugar free and nut free and baked in a special bakery that is a 2 hour drive.
Tell them to eat before they come.
You can accommodate them or not. It depends really how much you want them there.
“Let them eat cake!
but please make sure the cake is yoshon and gluten free and sugar free and nut free and baked in a special bakery that is a 2 hour drive. “
…. so that it will be a hard stone when it gets to your simcha, but make sure that it’s the prettiest thing out there and then all the kids will be sure to take a piece, take a bite and leave the rest on the table, shmearing it into the tablecloths.
Really depends on how important these guests are to you?
Tell them you changed halls / menus. You are now making the affair in THEIR HOME and THEY are the caterers.
(and then, have you and all the other guests arrive at the hall of your original choice and party hardy!)
And Mazel Tov!
zahavasdad-
They have a restricted diet, just like people who need low salt or are allergic to nuts or any other food.
Maybe they wont come.
R Avrohom Blumenkranz z”l would bring his own meals to chasunas so as not to be ????? the ???? ?????. He also said that he did not impose some of his chumras on the rest of his family.
Watch R Reisman at a simcha and you’ll see that he’ll just barely eat, if at all.
Being machmir on oneself is a great level; being matriach another is something else.
zahavasdad-
They have a restricted diet, just like people who need low salt or are allergic to nuts or any other food.
Mazal Tov on the Simcha and Hatzlacha with the Kashrus thing (and the rest of the Simcha).
but please make sure the cake is yoshon and gluten free and sugar free and nut free and baked in a special bakery that is a 2 hour drive.
Two hour drive? Huh?
bpt, lol!
Why do you have to pay if they don’t eat? Just don’t include them in the count. On the other hand, if you want them to eat, is it costing you any more to have a special meal for them (most caterers will substitute fish for meat with no charge). So what’s the big deal?
im trying to say, listen to icot
his advice is sage and Emes.
im trying to say just accomodate them as best as you can and leave your feelings about who is right and who is wrong out of it.
im trying to say be HAPPY, forget about your concerns about them, “bite the bullet”, accomodate them and may you and they enjoy the Simcha, with Simcha.
“”bite the bullet”,”
Is it yoshon? Whose hechsher?
Is it yoshon? Whose hechsher?
no problem, its not derech achila
I don’t get it. I have gone to affairs where I felt that the kashrus was suspect. I just don’t eat it. You don’t make a fuss and embarrass the host. In this case all the baal simcha had to do was advise the guests as to under whose hashgacha the affair was and let the gusets draw their own conclusions.
“OU Twizzlers is not good enough, only Hemish stuff”
I find that funny because AFAIK most of the processed food we eat has the OU in it somewhere. Even heimish brands use OU stuff or use factories that are under the OU for their private labeling.
Moderator-80-
kapusta-
Thank you. ? <– blushing
I may print your comments – my kids could use a laugh ?
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“its not derech achila”
And depending on how yoshon it is, it may not be rauy liachila either.
“as usual”, I will Third that.
Maybe you could tell these people next time to bring the foods that they need to the simcha and you will gladly pay for it. that is what we do when we go to affairs of our non frum relatives and we can’t eat there.
I agree 100% with ICOT, you can only do what you can do and you are most accommodating to work with your caterer to bring in meals they can eat. As far as chalah, dessert and nosh, that should be left to them. You can choose to tell them that you have arranged a main dish, if they would like to bring anything else make sure it is in its original box with the hechsher on it so the mashgiach can check it before they can bring it to their table.
In that way, they can bring their own cake for dessert and their own candy for their kids. It is not your job to make sure that they are accommodated to the Enth degree. You can only accommodate them to the degree that they can’t do it on their own and that is the main meal. You can also accommodate them with plenty of fruits and vegetables. If they choose not to eat them, that is their choice. So I would say specifically on their table, add extra pickles, olives, tomatoes, kirbies, melons, etc. Nothing that would be questionable like strawberries or lettuce.
You can also ask them to bring extra dessert for the other people at their table so that they won’t feel awkward and the other people won’t either.
It is hard enough putting together a family simcha/party and choosing to pay for it besides. It is unfair of people to make personal requests, no body likes it when they are hosting.
What about enforcing your. Kashrus kulas on others, I’m going to sheva brachos tonight and the family who’s making it doesn’t filter their water so we can’t drink water or soup
theyre not rying to be difficult. they love you and want to be misameiach with you. they want to be able to feel a part of the simcha, and if they cant eat then they wont. so really its for you.
I’m with ICOT here. All the way.
You are imposing on them, by insisting on accommodating, but doing it begrudgingly.
im very surprised that u can bring in outside food for ur guests..sometimes its better to let ur kids eat the nosh (im not judging but..)if it doesnt have a label on it then to imbarrase people it is still kosher of course it its in orginal package and the kids r old enough to know “we dont eat that”
but y made a big deal about it
i recendly made a simcha in brooklyn and sb asked me the hechser instead of looking into it she said i cant come to ur simcha cuz i dont know the hechser and i dont want to me cought in the hall …nobody else had a problem and i had many rabbanim there who did eat this one lady had a problem i was hurt fist cuz the funny thing is she would eat in my house…but then i was like who cares
I don’t know if this is the same but we have had family simchas and have a cousin who married a sefardi. Therefore, they are only allowed to eat chicken (could be wrong about what they’re allowed to eat just know that both meals they had chicken). Because of this, we told this to the caterer and he made sure that they would have what to eat. I think it’s a little different than a person putting their kashrus chumros on you. Could be wrong though…
happiest- they dont eat ashkenazi shchittah on beef. but they do eat cow. needs beis yosef shchittah
Toi- thanks. I knew it was something like that but wasn’t exactly sure what. Thanks for the clarification!
It is important to never impose someone’s chumras onto others. I heard as a halacha psak from Rav Yitzchok Berkowitz (Sanhedria Murchevet) that a person is never allowed his chumra, which by defintion is bain odom l’mokom, to override his chiyuv d’Oraisa of bain odom l’chaveiro. If one eats only Badatz and his Shabbos guests brings a bottle of wine from the OU, Hilchos Derech Eretz dictates that you serve it.
By my in-laws for Pesach, each son-in-law has his own chumros and my shvigger tries to cater to each ones liking. This ones “No unpeelable veggies”, that ones “only home made items”, and that ones “only home squeezed grape juice”! While I do have certain chumros that my in-laws do not keep, they never know about it, because I won’t tell them. Yes, there are things that I won’t touch, but they don’t know what. Each year they try to figure it out.
Golden Mom, you have the right attitude. That “friend” could have told you that they have another engagement and still remain friends. They did not have to snub you, or throw that in your face. If she didn’t know the hechsher she should have called up her own RAV to verify if it was good or not, or just plain trusted you. That was very rude of her.
There are two distinct issues here.
The OP speaks of confronting a dilemma as the host. Icot has expressed a solution well.
The second is quantifying a guest’s appropriate behavior. Zaidy says it all(among others).
Zahavasdad, #1 Mazel Tov, you should be zoche to make many simchos. #2 it seems to me the problem is not that the relative is being picky, it’s that it bothers you that they shouldn’t eat. Sometimes you have to include in the cost of the simcha the meals that people will not eat and just be happy that they came. You would have paid for their meals if they would have eaten it so just close your eyes and let them do what they want. Anyway, most caterers pack up the extra food and let you take it home so you can enjoy their meals at a later date. Stop worrying so much about their enjoying your simcha. Do what you can without stressing yourself and then let them worry about what they want to do.
First of all, mazal tov. Second, yes they are asking for a special accommodation. They’re within their rights to ask, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the extra effort.
You are imposing on them, by insisting on accommodating, but doing it begrudgingly.
Good point. Better to say no and have a good relationship then to sour it by doing more than you think you should.
Apashuteyid, stop making fun of “yoshon” as it were a joke. “Chodash” in chutz la’Aretz is ossur de’Oraisa according to most Rishonim. Not being makpid on it is a big, not-simple kula.
zahavasdad–
I omitted a couple of things in my original post.
First of all, your last sentence – “but they still seem to make more demands” – I don’t think a guest is entitled to demand anything. At most, a request can be made, and it should be a reasonable one.
Second of all, Mazel tov/congratulations! May you continue to have occasion to make simchos.
real-brisker–
Thank you, too.
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