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i dont know if that is even thr right words to use but i havea really really close friend that i know for years and only lately is this trait about her bothering me…Everything we do has to b revolved around..our conversations have to be revolved around her…for example if im in iddle of talking saying my story she will just cut me off and talk about whats on her mind..i always have to take her places and if i dont do what she wants or say somehing that she doesnt agree with she gets all upset or insulted..and i dont even think she realizes she is this way…and i cant tell her because she will get really really mad at me..can anyone help??
i feel the same way about one of my friends. its a tough situation because theres no way you can say something in a nice way. but it just comes to a point when you just cant deal with it anymore! sorry i dont have an answer (wish i did!)
if you figure something out let me know….
JOLLY do we know the same person?
If we do…it’s not ego,it requires intervention…
The best thing you can do is to point it out when it’s being done to someone else. Only then is there hope for the person to accept it and realize it. Once the person verbalizes and acknowledges that they have that problem, then there is a chance that you can point it out when you are the victim (for lack of a better word).
Jolly, you have to be strong and learn how to coach her. So when she cuts you off you have to learn how to say, “you probably didn’t realize that you cut me off. I wasn’t finished. Let me finish my story and then you can tell me yours.” Don’t bring feelings into it.
If you want to do something and she tries to steer you in another direction try to assert yourself and say “that’s a nice idea too, but today I was counting on going… or today I promised myself I would…so do you want to come with me?” Honestly Jolly, if she gets insulted it is NOT your problem.
You two have two different personalities and you can’t blame her if YOU cannot stand up for yourself. YOU need to take control of your own accountability in this friendship. YOU need to take charge of your own needs. Why are your feelings any less worthy than hers? Why are her feelings the only ones that matter here? Seriously? You have to ease her into the reality of the situation without telling her it is all her fault when it really isn’t all her fault. If you allowed yourself to give in to her then it is also your fault. Learn to stand up for yourselff she is not fine china and if she gets insulted, she will have to learn to get over it she will not break into tiny shattered pieces. YOU are entitled to have your turn as well you just need to learn how to do it appropriately.
So find your inner strength and learn how to say “that is a nice idea and maybe we can do that another day, today I planned a different outing do you want to come with me?” after all you are the driver and you are in control.
I am egocentric in my speech… you can see it in my posts: me,me,me.
I recognize it & know it.
(not in deed.)
funny you all mention that
see I have this story that happened to me…
Jolly, yes you should because getting insulted is her way of “getting her way”. And if you want to “keep” the friendship it has to work for both of you. It has to meet your needs as well as hers. YOU BOTH have to be respected in the relationship. It can’t be one sided because then it is NOT a relationship or a friendship, then it is an obligation. So in order to be friends and be happy with each other and the time you spend together you both have to be respected and both or your needs have to be met. Do you understand what I am saying?
You don’t have to straight out insult her, but you have to “coach” her into a normal relationship by asserting what you want as well. YOU simply have to say “Today I NEED to do….do you want to come?” and if she argues with you, you will have to learn how to say “then we will have to reschedule for another day because I really need to do this for myself”. Sooner or later she will catch on that she will have to play fair and that your needs count as well and that it is no longer going to be only about her. And when you stop her from interrupting you and actually make her wait until you finish your thoughts, she will also learn that YOU have something equally important to say. Having a conversation means that one person speaks while the other listens and then they change places.
I am specifically talking about when it applies to other people. For example, you are talking to her and someone else interrupts. If she would say something sharp to embarrass that person, that is a chance to say, “that was a bit harsh”, or maybe even, “I think you are a bit harsh on that person”. This is very different than saying it when it applies to you. When it is about someone else, it is in a sense you with her against the other person. You are telling her as a team mate rather than an opponent.
But definitely, what Aries mentioned goes first. I an saying this in case you actually do want to make inroads.
Jolly, i hear you. Even though she is in her own world you still have to do what is best for you. She might still hold on to her old ways but whether she wants to budge or not YOU need to do what is best for you. If you do that YOU wont have resentments towards her. Eventually, you might have to decide whether the relationship is working out for YOU or not and whether or not you want to keep her in YOUR circle of friends. Friendship is a two way street as are any relationships and at times we have to re-evaluate how they are working out. We have to make sure that they are healthy for us and that they are supportive and not depletive. There is a difference between friendship and chessed. Friendship has a level of respect, love, honesty and honor. Chesed is a whole other ballgame. I am assuming that you are NOT in high school and we are talking about an adult relationship in which both parties have to act as adults. You have to be strong for yourself and do right by you. You can’t control other people you can only control yourself and what you choose to do. The only changes you can bring about is what you choose to do and how others will respond to the changes you implement. Hatzlocha.
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