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Does the Kallah need to present the Chosson with a gift in the Yichud room?
I’ve heard of it the other way around, but what’s the practice of Kallah to Chosson?
Is this some sort of gag or a new age egalitarian attempt at equalization sort of like the double-ring ceremony?
Yes, many many many gifts.
The minhag is to buy him a pick-up truck with a rifle rack, and a rifle.
People who want to do lifnim m’shuras hadin also buy him a fine collection of scotch, and a lifetime subscription to cigar afficianado.
Interesting. I can see a serious Halachic issue with the Kallah thinking that she is obligated to give a gift in the Yichud room.
Neither of us gave gifts in the yichud room. We bought him a Shas and a Fraenkel Rambam, but not until well after the wedding.
Like JF02, neither of us did. My husband’s gift was the ring he gave me under the chuppah. We didn’t have any of those “expected” things that are must-dos today, apparently. No pearls, no bracelet, no problem. I think too many chossons and kallahs (and their parents) are hung up on the so-called “protocol” today. Not everyone can afford such gifts, and they are an unnecessary expense to foist on the young couple or their parents. Our gift to each other WAS each other. I did buy him a kittel and Shas, and he bought me a ring when we became engaged.
I have a list of gifts I expect to recieve with parameters to insure that they’re what I want. I don’t expect them to be presented in the Yichud room, though. What would I possibly do with them then? It would distract from the moment, I know she loves me she just married me. Her being my wife is present enough in the yichud room, anything else would pale in comparison in those first few moments. Like, oh a watch, how nice… YOU JUST BECAME MY WIFE!! I wouldn’t even be able to properly recognize and appreciate a gift. I don’t want to exchange gifts in the yichud room.
Like others said, any gift giving then is an American mishegass. Even giving the bride a diamond (or whatever) engagement ring is a new age mishigass that the De Beers diamond cartel goyim invented about 90 years ago or so and has nothing to do with Judaism.
If you don’t give her a gift, then when her friends ask her what she got she’ll feel bad, so you have to give her something. If she gives you something also, then her friends will think that she had to give you something in order to get what you gave her. And if she doesn’t invite those friends, she’ll have no one to talk to about the gifts she got in Yichud. You’re better off eloping.
if the gifts hold too much weight you ought to start running the other way.
it will only get worse AFTER marriage
“I have a list of gifts I expect to recieve [sic] with parameters to insure [sic] that they’re what I want.”
That is not a gift, by definition. A gift is given freely out of genuine goodwill and should be appreciated as such, not “expected” or resented if it doesn’t meet whatever criteria.
I felt uneasy about “registering” for wedding gifts, because I didn’t like the idea of asking our guests outright for gifts. In the end, we did create a registry, actually because so many people asked us if we had one. Our guests really wanted to choose gifts that they knew we would use and appreciate. But we tried to emphasize that the greatest gift anyone could give us was their presence at our chasunah. Because we grew up in different places, our friends and family lived far from each other and no matter where we had the wedding, somebody would have to travel. It was a real source of pain for my husband that most of his side was unable to make the trip, and I would have gladly given up half of our gifts in exchange for more guests on his side if I could have. It was mamash heartbreaking to look around the room and see so many of “my people” and only a handful of his.
Regarding registries, when we were engaged, we decided that we should pick out a china pattern. We went to Macy’s and spent a long time looking. When we’d finally decided, the saleswoman said that since we were getting fine china, we’d have to get fine stemware to go with it. We looked at the prices of the very fragile stemware, looked at each other, and decided we were neither “fine stemware” not “fine china” types. We didn’t have a registry.
We recently looked at the registry of a couple who were getting married. We were taken aback at the rampant materialism — do they really need that $150 clothes steamer? We ended up writing them a check.
Cash gifts are always appreciated, but the registry can be a great opportunity for couples to put together a “wish list” of items they would not be able to afford on their own. We made sure to include items with a wide variety of prices so our guests would have choices. They ranged from $6.99 (a whimsical corn butterer) to $349 (a KitchenAid stand mixer).
We did not register for china, since we are inheriting several sets of antique china from my husband’s family, and have received a heter to kasher them since they are family heirlooms. We did, however, pick out lots of stemware, and received almost all of it.
jfem: My comment was tongue in cheek, I do not expect any gifts though I definitely do have a list in my head. 🙂
” We were taken aback at the rampant materialism — do they really need that $150 clothes steamer?”
Maybe it was materialistic on her part or maybe she, like most brides, was overwhelmed when she was choosing her registry and the sales lady convinced the bride that she NEEDS a high end clothes steamer (after all sales lady earns commission). Or maybe she plans to never go to the cleaners because she plans to do it herself.
I knew this couple that got married in the DP camp after the war. I don’t think they exchanged gifts in the yichud room.
Or more than one person can chip in for that expensive steamer…
Or she just needed to fill the registry, and will return the steamer and take the cash.
I don’t think any couple intentionally adds redundant items to their registry. Most people do not have trouble thinking of more things they want.
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