do you confront someone when they hurt you?

For my simple opinion and nothing else, I think you should say something. Separate your anger from the point you want to bring out (I never said it was easy) and do it. If something is bothering you this much that makes it more than a “nothing”, and without knowing details, I wonder what kind of friend she is if she went to your fiance behind your back.

Good luck

*kapusta*

zeeskite, this is probably no comfort but if you are ever in such a situation that is a premium time to give a brocha. I have read and heard that someone who is being embarrassed and gives a brocha to someone who needs a yeshua, at that time it is a huge segula for that brocha to be mekuyam.

Since you don’t think you can talk to her to find out more information without “yelling or screaming”, is there a third party who can help you find out what she felt was so important that she had to go behind your back to your fiance to talk to him about? Doesn’t she realize that you are at a highly emotional time of your life. Being a kallah is one of the most special times of a woman’s life, but it can be highly stressful, with all the preparations, right up til the big day. Plus, whether or not you are seeing your fiance during this period, there are always little emotional issues that come up during this time and can be magnified by just such a situation as your friend has caused for you. I am assuming that she is single since she seems to be unaware of this (but that does not mean that a well-intentioned but misguided married friend could not cause a similar problem as well). I think you should try to find someone who can help you investigate the situation a little to try and help you get an idea of her intentions and maybe you will be able to find a zechus for her and that might help you calm down before you go off the deep end when you talk to her. All the best.

commonsense:

Thanks, I did actually (quietly), to one I know who needs a shidduch, but she’s still not engaged (I want my money back!). Furthermore the hurt still lingers. Every time I pass this person, it comes back, rewinding and playing from 00:00 until the end, with all details and emotions!

CS, did it cause a rift between you and your chosson? Did she disclose a secret that you never wanted revealed to him? Is the offense what she told him or the fact that she went behind your back? If the offense is that she caused a problem between you and your chosson then you should take the issue to your Rav and ask him to speak to her because that is serious business. If the issue is that she went behind your back and that is crossing a line of trust with you then I suggest that you speak to her and let her know that what she did was extremely disrespectful to you and to your Chosson. Let her know that she crossed a line and that is totally unacceptable. Let her know that you can’t maintain a relationship without respect. Depending on her response you will have to choose whether you want her in your life or not and whether you want to keep up the friendship.

Cshapiro- as a Mother I was getting worried until I read your last post, thank goodness it is much better than it could and best of all you fiance sounds a good natured sweet young man, the most important thing of all. Sorry about the fuss pre-wedding, as simchas approach friends as well as family can get rather busy and unwittingly change the mood to one of tension and stress. STOP and THINK you are blessed with a fine fiance and some rather silly but well meaning friends. Step back from the friends, be polite, sure stay close to those you trust and care for but as you approach your wedding think of the bigger picture. You and your future husband together, if you think of your friend as someone to tolerate and indulge, rather than a close confidante it will help you, she means well but she is not you and you do not need to waste time thinking about her. the shower and gifts are all lovely, but sorry to say unimportant be they

$5 or % $500, you are getting married and are a lucky lovely girl. It is the happiest time of your life an it is just beginning, honestly to find a good man is everything. I have lots of daughters, and often girlfriends have tried to do so much to make their engagements and weddings extra special, all of which has been unnecessary. Easier said than done, but show your fiance he is your main focus in life, your friend will back off because she has to. Sure you can show her your appreciation for he shower etc, but this is small fry, you are about to build a Jewish home, treat her gently but remember this is your time and your future, a lot of other things to think of. Wishing you Mazeltov

I believe you should tell your friend not to try this again. She’ll get over it if you say it respectfully$

Maybe you can work it through your Chossen. Ask him to confirm with you before he does her a favor again. That way you’ll tell him to either go ahead or refuse.

cshapiro -“she asked him for money for my shower, i think that is way out of line.”

This would be way out of line if an older woman did this, let alone a young person. The whole purpose of the shower is for people on the Kallah’s side to give things to her.

I would drop her as a friend. With friends like these -who needs enemies?

It sounds like your friend was overwhelmed and did go overboard. Speak to your chosson first and tell him that in the future he should please come to you if anything like this happens again because they don’t know you as well as they think they do and at best they want you to have what they would like to have. So he should check these things out with you first because you don’t want anyone hitting him up for money making him feel that he is doing it for you when it is really doing it to appease their need. It is better that the two of you don’t keep secrets from each other. So the best thing would be for him to say “I’ll think about it and get back to you and then discuss it with you”. This way you can appreciate the fact that your friends want the best for you even though you are angry that they would go to such lengths to get it, you can put an end to it by coaching your chosson how to stop it. In other words he can say “I asked “C” if we registered for kitchen appliances would she choose this or this and she laughed at me and said I would never use ….”

In this way he can guide them back into normalcy and tell them they should really ask you what you want before they make themselves crazy and stress you out in the process.

i am shocked that popa didnt comment lol 🙂

since Popa didn’t take the bait, I’ll respond for him.

If she’s married or a kalla, ask her husband/chosson to buy her a $500 appliance. If he agrees, tell him you can save him the hassle of shopping for one – you happen to have one for sale right now.

If she’s single, you now have some great reasons to find her a shidduch fast – to be able to unload your appliance, get revenge and, if she’s older, get some big $$ from NASI.

Judging from the nature of the imposition, my guess is that until you are married this is bound to come up again. That being said, although I do think it merits a conversation with her about what makes you uncomfortable (her asking your chassan for money), I also believe you have to know your “customer”. There are some people who just have trouble hearing mussar, and it’s like talking to a brick wall. Is this someone who has personal insight? Furthermore, do you foresee her inappropriateness coming up in other ways post-wedding?? If so, it comes down to talking with her (if you think it will help) or distancing yourself from her.

Interestingly, when I read your second post of her “avairahs, I actually thought, in some ways, how lucky you are to have friends who “do too much” or fight over responsibilities. My mother had to call my close friends to help with things. They just weren’t the type to take charge.

The truth is, if your chassan is cool with it, I’d say “don’t sweat it too much”. He’s got to be a big boy and stand up for himself (and you need to let him) or after marriage you’re liable to maximize this role of protector of people taking advantage of your sweetie (and it may be fun for now, but it can grow tiresome and irritating if he doesn’t stand up for himself ). I’d let him practice this role now and try to adjust to his being a laid back personality.