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if you hear something nice about someone,do you take the time to pass along the compliment?when you see people, do you automatically think something positive?or critical?
Not as much as I should.
No. It is not a matter of taking the time. I have the time; I don’t do it for other reasons.
Critical.
Always and often. Especially when I can tell someone their child / spouse did something outstanding.
The minyan maariv I daven at had a group of 12 year olds coming for a few months, and I told each of the fathers (who, for whatever reason, did not daven at that minyan) how nice the kids interact with each other before and after davening.
In another instance, I told someone what a warm greeting his wife gave my wife (I said she greeted her like a sister), and how lucky he is to have a “bnei bayis” with such a simchas ha’chayim. (it was a very chassidish person, so I had to choose my words carefully).
3rd instance (and then I’ll stop) – I told someone, “now I know why you are zoiche to such erliche children (his kids are dolls). Why? Because I saw you duck outside (after olenu) to take / make a call on your cell phone.
In short, everyone I can praise, I do. You’d be surprised at how easy it becomes once you start living that mindset.
BPT good for you. We sould all learn from you.
Compliment freely? No but I charge a low fee.
Seriously though, yeah I compliment as often as I can.
Yes, especially young people. It builds self confidence and self esteem. At a wedding I was at, I saw one of the couple’s siblings who was a little overweight, brooding in the corner. She was a teenager and not quite comfortable in her gown. I walked over to her and told her how lovely she looked and asked if she had the gown custom made for her. Instantly she brightened up. Her chin came up and her shoulders went back. Her eyes started to sparkle as she told me how she got the gown. When we were done she ran over to her mother to tell her about our conversation. She was very animated. She didn’t know me and I didn’t know her but it made her feel good and she felt a little more confident the rest of the evening.
Always try to find something nice to say to everyone, but say it sincerely.
Aries:
That was me! I thought you really meant it. I can’t believe it, you really don’t think I looked good!
Seriously though, I really like your story, it is the nicest thing I’ve read in a while. Thank you.
I try to compliment often, a person has no idea how far a compliment can go.
aries, I’m jealous of the schar you got for that. If you happen to be in a bracha giving mood… 🙂
Yes, I do compliment freely, but I didn’t always.
I heard a speech once in high school about how little it takes on your part, and how much of an impact/impression it makes on others, so I figured why not start to do it more often? It’s such an easy thing when you thing about it..
and for those of you who said that you’re cynical, start by saying it just to say it, without really meaning it(don’t make it obvious though lol!) and you will hopefully come to mean it…(and no i don’t think this is lying)
In the beginning, I complimented just for the sake of complimenting; for the other person’s benefit. Now, though, I can honestly say that it has changed me as a person. I find myself looking for the good in other people much more often than I ever did before. B”H, for who doesn’t want to be a positive person?? I also think it’s important to compliment people when you notice the quiet nice things that they did as well; I will occasionally call a friend later in the evening and comment on how nice it was that she did xyz…
basically complimenting others is such an easy thing that everyone can do and it can definitely strengthen relationships and even change YOU as a person.
popa_bar_abba, all kidding aside, I never said she didn’t look good, I said SHE didn’t think she looked good.
Its very important to compliment, but only compliment if its authentic. Insincere flattery is assur and will likely achieve the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
Its very important to compliment, but only compliment if its authentic. Insincere flattery is assur and will likely achieve the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish.
Very true.
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An interesting thing, once a person becomes more of a “complimenting type”, it becomes more natural to look for good instead of bad.
wiy – Thats 100% true, many people don’t realize it, and are realy harming the people they are *trying to make feel good* and these people chap that they are being treated as a *neb* that needs chizuk.
eclipse
Thank you for furthering my point. Compliment people on what is really complimentary about them 🙂
In Pirkai Avot it says that we should receive people with “Sever Panim Yafot”. I heard that the word ‘Sever’ come from the word ‘sevara’ – a well thought idea. We should compliment with consideration and with deliberate thought.
That being said, I cannot say that I compliment enough, especially those around me.
I love to tell ppl good words that will make them feel good. One such occasion I haven’t forgotten though, backfired, making me feel very bad. I told a new mother who had just had her first boy after a few girls, “Mazel Tov – A Yingle! How precious….”etc. You can imagine, whatever ppl say…but as I continued she should have yiddish nachas or whatever I was exclaiming she was obviously doing this very strange new thing that is a style to be distant and almost shunning every word I was saying in order to ward off an ayin hara. It really showed a lack of being warm and receptive to someone being happy for you, and she realized her mistake and tried to fix her coldness as it was obviously inappropriate. She was almost loathing. I just thought the act was dumb and if someone wants to express happiness at your simcha, let them. If they are blessing you just receive it and dont do this weird kabbalah stuff at others expense. I didn’t have to be happy for her. BUt I was! So ….
i also heard sever comes from sevara but with a different teich,
that you should show thought in them on your face, just not a greeting with no interest shown on your face
People that are smiley and complimentary are a pleasure to be around…Everyone likes a good word,
But, it has to be sincere,fake flattery stinks..
I usually try to find something sincere and nice to say about the other person, although i should try to compliment a little more than I do!
BPT, Impressive!!
i try! and u know, i’ve never met anyone who didnt have something good about them. even if it was something external-wearing a really pretty color, but i found that once you compliment the external, you usually start finding things to compliment on their pnimiyus… and ya, sincerity is important, but when you rlly believe that e/o has something good, its not a big effort to find something and to be sincere about it:)
I would mention one thing: I was taught that when someone tells you a compliment you should thank them. The complimentor may feel slighted if you say “oh this sweater is as old as the hills..” the person would never want to give you a compliment again!
Accept all compliments gratefully!
I do try to remember to compliment as often as I can. A word of caution though: Don’t compliment too much- it may make people feel stupid…This is the case with one of my friends. She compliments me on everything I say- I’ll want to tell her something that happened to me when I was volunteering for a local organization and she’ll say something like “you’re so nice for doing that etc.”- ok fine. But then she’ll want to know why I’m so busy so I’ll tell her that I started tutoring…and of course she says ” wow, you’re amazing blah blah”. This is how the conversation goes…and all I could think of is, “Can I tell you about my life WITHOUT feeling like you think I’m fishing for compliments?”…
I probably don’t sound so clear here – it’s hard to explain the feeling, though…
blueberrymuffin! It’s cute you brought it up, while i was posting my comment i had this in mind. I have this friend who does the exact same thing..Its really nice to get compliments but please keep it down to a limit…
I just read through this thread and want to thank you all. I learned something new today and will try to work on it!
eclipse-wait, you werent serious?! how’d u know i was fishing? 🙂
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