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When I got married, there were certain people who didn’t give us a wedding present; our cousins who are married with kids, the rabbis of our communities, their married children who work… One person even gave us 18$. Is this an acceptable norm in the yeshivish community? We didn’t even think twice about it but my father in law recently brought it up again and it got us thinking we would never attend a simcha together without bringing a gift.
I had a very similar situation. I did find it very offensive because as a married woman I would never attend a simcha, like a wedding, with my husband and forego sending a gift. A rabbi who may attend weddings 5 nights a week, it may be more acceptable for him not to, but in general I think it is bad etiquette. It should not be the norm for frum Jews.
Sounds like a goyish custom.
To give or not to give?
“Sounds like a goyish custom.”
What, Rabbis attending weddings?
He was joking.
I think inviting people to your wedding and expecting them to give you money is a goyish custom. If you wouldn’t want them at your wedding without their gift, don’t invite them.
It’s not about expecting a gift because you are greedy, it is the proper thing. Most couples, atleast I did, heavily rely on their wedding money to start their lives. Its just what is done. Money, gift registries, etc.
A gift is optional. It isn’t mandatory or expected.
“Most couples, atleast I did, heavily rely on their wedding money to start their lives”
Thats what father in laws are for.
Goq is correct, if your father-in-law can’t afford to support you for the first 12 years of marriage you have no business getting married.
All joking aside, there is a mitzvah of being misameach chosson v’kalla which is fulfilled through your presence at the wedding. It is an extra hidur to be misameach them with your presents as well. (Ok, maybe not ALL joking aside).
Haha I hope avhaben was joking, because no… MANY people are not even partially supported.
I don’t think it is mandatory, but it is a very nice thing to do. It really depends how close you are to the couple. If you are close enough to the couple that are going to look for something from you, then I would say go for the gift. And it doesn’t have to be big. Something small and practical is always appreciated IMHO.
I give $36 is I stay for the meal. If I only came for the Chuppa I usually don’t give a gift.
Whats ironic is that the larger more generous wedding gifts are usually reserved for those who have fancier lavish weddings. To me that’s a corrupt mindset. If there’s any purpose at all to giving a wedding gift it would be to help the couple start their life together with some money. The wealthier the couples parents may be stands to reason the less the couple needs start up money. The problem is that the wealthy tend to socialize with their kind and the middle class/poor with theirs. What ends up happening is that a poor couple who gets married in a “takana” hall probably don’t even net $15k while a weathy couple getting married in an extravagant hall/hotel may net 2 or 3 times that or even more. What even more absurd is that people who can’t afford wedding gifts feel “more” obligated to give when attending a fancier affair.
Bottom line is if you can’t pay your bills DON’T give wedding presents & certainly don’t feel obligated to a wealthy couple. If you desire to give a wedding gift to a poor couple it may even be considered tzedaka especially if they will rely on it to sit & learn.
If a Rov gave a gift every time he was invited to a simcha, he would go bankrupt. His presence at the simcha is a gift. For the rest of us however, a gift should be given, based on what we can afford. If the people who invited you are not happy with what you can afford, they will not invite you again. Big deal. You’ll save more money. People who care about you will understand (unless you can afford a gift and are merely being a cheapskate, in which case, SHAME on you!).
I had several people who came to my kid’s weddings and gave nothing. In two out of three cases, they could not afford a monetary gift, but they each took non-professional candid pictures of the simchas (very lovely ones, btw), and put them together in an album for me. It meant a great deal to me. One person simply forgot to give, and never realized it. Moichel. If people matter to you, you don’t make an issue of it.
what about the bucharian weddings where not only is a gift expected but they also expect you to pay for your seat (i’ve heard approx 150 dollars per person)they say that money goes to the parents of the chosson and kallah.
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