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I was just wondering if anyone had experience dating after a divorce.
Probably only those who have been through it can really understand how daunting it must be. How do you know when you’re ready?
Just jump in. No point in delaying the inevitable.
That sounds reckless and lacking in the responsibility demanded from dating. Seek a mentor or professional’s advice, & share your feelings with them to properly assess whether it will be healthy & productive to approach a new relationship. To flippantly date without the realistic hope of developing a lasting relationship is irresponsible and selfish.
Unless you are a Kohen, you most likely will be wishing to date a divorcee, and even if a Kohen, or an Almonoh; i.e. someone who has previously been in a marriage will be able to relate to you.
Someone who has never been married, is in a different world than you, especially if you are older than someone in the early 20’s.
So how does a divorced Kohen relate to a new wife?
Song- if your question is how do you know you’re ready to start dating? Then my answer from my experience is when you feel the pull to get married again. Personally for quite some time after I divorced I didn’t want to hear about marriage. You really have to feel comfortable enough to start. I must say though that after the first post divorce date I felt even more ready,so start when you feel you want to remarry? Yes, and you may feel more excited about dating once you start. I did.
If your question was how do you know you’re ready to marry the person you are dating? Then I’ll say the following: there’s really no difference in dating round one or round two at its core, you are meeting someone to see whether they may be someone you can relate to, talk with, enjoy their company, share common goals, have a liking for each other, physically attracted to one another etc. that what dating is all about isn’t that true? Obviously you may have priorities more clarified to you now based on your past experience and honestly when I got divorced I learned a lot about myself in a positive way, and I have a clearer picture of whom I’d like to marry. So, to answer this question: when you’ve met someone you really like and enjoy and they make you feel good about yourself and you feel like you want to see them when their not with you and this person shares your dreams and goals, then you’re ready to get married to this person.
I hope this helps you in you quest to find your zivug, may Hashem give you clarity in your search and to myself and all those in the same boat.
SoB -“How do you know when you’re ready?”
Maybe there is more than one reason Chazal said you have to wait 90 days. A Divorcee has to be extra careful – more than s/o on the first time around.
I would imagine that someone whose firstr marriage ended through divorce is in a different position than one whose marrige ended through the ptirah of their spouse.
The divorcee knows what didnt work first time round and therefore now has a clearer vision of what is right for them.
The Alman/almana however may have had it right first time and therefore may find it harder to find that exact replacement (if there is such a thing)
Just my own perception.
Is this correct logic or am I way out?
Hashem should help all singles – whether first timers, divorcees or sufferers through death – find their bashert very soon!
Consider dating again when the anger and bitterness leave you, otherwise it will resuface in the second marriage again and again.
Song -“its seriously not in the question. without going into details i wish it was possible but sometimes its not…”
I took your post from the other topic because I think it’s relevant to this one. I don’t know the reason of your divorce & I’m not prying, but whatever it was you feel you can’t live that way.
So how does one prevent the same thing from happenning again?
100% you can’t prevent because that’s in Hashem’s hand, but we can make Histadlus. So try to go back and see what little clues you missed when you were dating the first time around to clue you into what your spouse was really about. Try to focus on these subtle signs when you are dating again.
As someone in this position right now, I concur with Health’s recommendation, and as much as we would like to look at a potential spouse with rose coloured glasses, we have to be a bit more realistic than that about their issues. but I would also go one further, and perhaps more importantly do the personal cheshbon to see where I could have done things differently and change myself or at least be aware of my own shortcomings going in to a new relationship
Song -“and in addition I have children.”
The choices for marriage will Not be as good as without kids. So you might have to settle for things that you might not have wanted to. Make sure you prioritize what you absolutely won’t settle for and what you can live with even if it’s not ideal.
“One thing my mother told me when I separated was that if I wanted to make sure not to do the same mistakes over again I would have to change how I thought and some aspects of who I was to make sure I wouldn’t go for the same kind of person.”
This suggestion won’t be easy to implement. Therapy will make this much easier.
I come from a divorced home. My opinion is, since you do have children, you shouldn’t just jump right away into dating.
Take into account your children’s feelings first. Discuss it with them. (How old are they?)
Even if they’re not old enough to understand, you have to explain to them -depending their age- that you will be looking into finding them a new father. Again, depending on their age, it may be hard for them to adjust to a new person taking over the responsibility as being their father. Please, when dating someone, take this into account. Make sure, you always include your kids in your decision. Yes, it is about your feelings, but don’t leave your kids out of the loop either. No one likes surprises, especially younger children who may still have attachment to their father. If they are older, they may be able to understand it easier.
Either way- if you didn’t have children, and if you are emotionally healthy to move on, then by all means, go right ahead- the longer you wait, the more doubt will arise.
Good luck in your search for a new husband/father to your kids.
Song -“I just need to find the one that is right for me.”
That’s exactly what I meant -Don’t let your Zivug pass you by because you are being picky.
Now it appears you feel that your first marriage wasn’t your Zivug or you feel it was and now you are on Zivug Sheni?
Song, how will you iy’H treat your new husbands children from his first marriage??
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