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It is scary to see so many young couples breaking up . I wonder if there is to much pressure to get married. It is important . Don’t worry I know you should get married young but we should also stay married I mean it is so scary .
It isn’t scary.
It is scary when people get sick, because then you think that could haappen to you.
It is scary when people are killed or injured in accidents or attacks or crimes. Same reason.
It is not scary when people get divorced. If you don’t want to get divorced, be honest with the people you date, and be honest wwith yourself, and marry someone who you think is good for you, and then work on your marriage.
I’m not saying divorce is a choice. But it is usually the culmination of a lot of previous bad choices.
It’s sad more than scary.
What is worse:- Never been married {which is 100% guarantee to never get divorced}? or to have been married as one should, but things not being an ideal world, end up in divorce?
It should be scary. Being scary stops people from doing certain dangerous things.
There’s too little pressure not to get divorced. It used to be a shandeh.
147: Never marrying is worse. How would anyone know that they’ll get divorced? If you marry for he right reasons, have reasonable expectations and deal with differences and disagreements properly, divorce shouldn’t have to be a factor.
There are valid reasons for divorce, but I would think that in many cases, divorces could be avoided.
Rav Avigdor Miller zt’l more than once said that 99% of (frum) divorces were avoidable and unnecessary.
Owl, we have Torah’s and Chazal’s statements about divorce. I am not for it, but it should not be made into something worse than it is. Sometimes it is wrong ans sometimes — it is not.
I sometimes wonder if we have forgotten to focus on a person’s positive points. Everybody has times when either their low mood or frustrating day or helpless situations seem to invite challenge in a relationship – the spouse senses a disconnect and in their misunderstanding the disconnect and taking it personally they in turn become frustrated. It is so critical not to let this track take over, with private little ‘if he/she would care about me they would understand….’, etc, and realize that these are normal glitches in any relationship, and warm, smiling feelings and words heal them. I don’t mean to simplify things, but everybody is going to have something that bothers the spouse- we all need a healthy dose of tolerance, blind eye, humor, and mainly a desire to create a bayis ne’eman b’yisroel. When you are on a critical mission you don’t sweat the small stuff as much. Good Luck to all – it is very sad to see so many divorces.
Joseph, as was just posted in another thread, the main reason for the so called shidduch/divorce crisis today is that most girls are educated, pleasant, innocent and naive while the boys are either exceptional and are reserved while still an adolescent, or for the most part, they are self-centered obnoxious know-it-all babies and in many cases have some kind of secret addiction.
No, it’s because average, nice boys are rejected for not being top.
It’s because shidduchim nowadays is about getting a good “catch” not a soulmate.
It’s because people who don’t fit in are thrown out.
It’s because of all the technology.
It’s because no girl wants a working boy who can actually support her.
It’s because being honest makes people hate you.
It’s because divorce is actually the best solution in many cases, and previous generations only didn’t because they were pressured not to.
It’s because of all the chemicals.
Pick any of the above.
One of the critical problems is that young people enter marriage with zero preparation. Purchasing towels and dishes, a wardrobe, and even learning the relevant halachos of taharas hamishpocho are completely inadequate preparation for the totality of marriage, as much as each of these ingredients is needed.
Among the attitudes that render marriage less than a permanent establishment are the following:
* Since marriage can be terminated with divorce (get), then it need not be seen as a permanent lifelong enterprise. If the going gets rough, just end it and move on. Unfortunately, a spouse is considered as disposable as a used tissue.
* It must look good in the pictures. We have sunk to the place where the image and appearance is prioritized over the emotional and spiritual aspects of the relationship. Who are the mechutanim, what will people say, does it “pass”? Such questions are likely to be asked, even if not verbally.
* “Es kumt mir”. Everyone deserves comforts and conveniences. What if the particular “needs” are not in common or compatible with the spouse?
* We all marvel at the conveniences of technology. Why, if so many things are done faster and more efficiently, do we have less time for our family and loved ones? Have these advances made lives easier or harder? There is this cartoon about a couple lying in their beds texting good night to each other. Now that has got to be a good marriage – they’re texting to each other!
* Normalization of what was once taboo. Interacting with others, particularly of opposite gender, has achieved a status of acceptability which was heretofore considered off limits. There are all sorts of excuses for cutting corners – it’s only digital in text, social networks, etc., not physical contact. These connections outside the marriage threaten the uniqueness of the emotional relationship. It is said that the yetzer horah has another name, “Heintige Tzeiten”.
* There are toanim and attorneys that earn quite substantial incomes from representing people going through divorce. They encourage the fights and battles. Mediating a settlement would risk having to sacrifice too much. besides, divorce involves anger, revenge, and hate. Why not fight? It will occupy much of the day until the process is over, and then some.
* The myths about the “dangers” of therapy abound. They are found on all the frum websites. The claim is that consultation with rabbonim leads to reconciliation, while therapists direct their clients to divorce. That is a blatant falsehood. What is tragic is that couples avoid professional help until there is an accumulation of “bad blood”, which is much harder to resolve.
* As parents, have we provided an adequate role model of marriage for our children to emulate? Do they have other role models of how to treat a spouse? Are newlyweds limited to the didactic “shmooze” and perhaps a few good Judaica books on the subject, or is there something more useful to serve as a life guide through the new world of married life?
* As preparation for marriage, have the two kids been trained how to argue or disagree without fighting? It is primitive to believe this will not happen. Some problem solving skills might be in order, and can even be taught in high school, and need not spell out this as a marriage skill.
Great post, TLIK.
Not really, cherrybim. Educated and naive don’t usually go together. Better a domestic education than a foreign one. It would do the girls a lot better.
The little you know seems to be a lot…
So many problems in life and in marriage would be avoided if we worked to focus on what is truly important…
The spelling of the title is really starting to annoy me.
T2BG:
It’s my humility.
In reality, whatever it is that we do know is truly little. Think about it. That is actually humbling.
Sorry, can’t resist:
the main reason for the so called shidduch/divorce crisis today is that most girls are educated, pleasant, innocent and naive while the boys are either exceptional and are reserved while still an adolescent, or for the most part, they are self-centered obnoxious know-it-all babies and in many cases have some kind of secret addiction.
Talk about self-centered obnoxious know-it-all babies…
mw-13, I had to assume that the post you referenced was intended as a facetious reference to many articles in contemporary Jewish women’s magazines, which portray the situation described as not uncommon.
It would be nice if the author of the post would confirm that it was in fact not intended literally.
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