DIVORCE CRISIS – young couples getting divorced

I’ve found this thread to be quite amazing. Some excellent points were made. Though I must tell you from a family members example: Not always does going for help, help. there are so many people out there calling themselves “Therapists” without any license of any sort.It seems to be a very good going parnassah right now UNFORTUNATELY! The problem is alot of them DO NOT help the situation, only make it worse! Please make sure when you seek help that you are seeing the right person.Referrrals from Rabbonim that know you personally should be helpful.

health, now that’s a healthy attitude 🙂 Halavai should meet your bashert and get the happily ever after that I’m sure you deserve soon!

I asked my Rav about sneezing. He said it’s not a problem.

Your rav must be a big meikil. Time to get a new rav.

wolf- could not have said it better myself. mosherose- what did you ask about sneezing? when you should sneeze? I hope you give your rav a nice gift every year for having to put up with you.

Health- good for you but I know way too many single guys who just cant find the girl whos going to fit into their perfect little life….I know someone who really wants to remarry and has dated over 100 girls but hes still single…..

Shlishi “As far as information, you must always ask a shaila before giving any negative information.”

You must also always ask a shaila before WITHHOLDING any negative information. There are situations where one has a chiyuv to tell over information with regard to a shidduch, and situations where it is assur. There is no such thing as to err on the side of caution — you must always ask a shaila.

Although I certainly don’t think it is the “main” cause of divorce, there is a definite number of divorces that occur when information that should have been told before the marriage was withheld and only came out afterwards. (This is particularly true with “quick” divorces.) Had this information been known, the marriage would not have taken place, and obviously neither would the divorce. (I have first hand knowledge of two such cases, one where the divorce took place about 7 weeks after the marriage with the full encouragement of Daas Torah, and the other which took place a few months after the marriage, with the added tzaar of a child on the way. . .)

I’m sorry that I must object, but I find it offensive that a child should be referred to as a “tzaar”. Yes, I understand the parents divorced. But a child referred to as a “tzaar”?? A child is always a beautiful innocent neshama and he or she should live ad meah v’esrim shana. Please, please be happy for the birth of a child, even in a case of divorce. Would either parent ever tell the child at some point what a “tzaar” his birth was?? Or how regrettable it was that he was born?? Of course not. Because it isn’t.

Peacemaker — I most certainly did not refer to a child as a “tzaar”! Please read my post again more carefully. The word “tzaar” means pain. I said the second case was “with the added tzaar (pain) of a child on the way.” It is usually true that a divorce with children (or in this case with a pregnant wife) involves more pain, even from the simple perspective of an additional person having to live with added pain (“tzaar”) in their life. Additionally it is more painful for the couple who must now worry about the impact on their child. It is the divorce which is painful, and divorce with children is even more painful — of course it is not the child who is the source of pain. In this particular case the mental health issues of the husband that led to the divorce should have been revealed before hand. This happened a number of years ago, and the child who lived many years with minimal contact with his father certainly suffered much pain — and this was an added dimension to the tzaar that always accompanies the breakup of a marriage.

If an external force (parent, friend, therapists, etc.) in dreying in and counseling for divorce, it certainly can cause an unnecessary divorce and frequently that is precisely what occurs.

I disagree. There are a lot of cases where someone mixed in to push one of the spouses to unnecessarily go for a divorce.

Often he is responsible for the process.

Many people who say that are probably guilty themselves of doing just that, hence their guilty conscience. It’s sad when someone knows quite a few cases altogether; it should be rare in the first place. That having been said, what I related earlier is what most rabbonim dealing with inyunei gitten will probably relate to you.

I learnt and am very close to a rov deeply involved in these inyunim (a lot more than you and I) for many years, and this is what he told me.

Another name -“Peacemaker, people don’t just divorce because of outside pressure. If the couple decides to follow the advice and divorce, it means that they already wanted to and probably needed to. The “support” just makes it easier.”

Wrong! I can’t speak for others, but by me this was exactly the case. The “support” was the one(s) who managed to convince her to get divorced.

Another name – Oh the feelings were mutual -we both wanted to keep trying! But her “friends” and some of her family kept pushing. She wasn’t strong enough to reject that kind of pressure.

I’m probably the first to say this about an ex, but I actually don’t know if I was subjected to the same thing – of her almost daily manipulation that she got, if I would be able to withstand it. I just am wondering why no male ever pushed me that way?

One thing I will say -these women aren’t in the category of “Noshim Tzidkoneyus”! Now esp. during the three weeks, we need the Noshim Tzidkoneyus to take over. Chazal say because of Noshim Tzidkoneyus we will go out of Golus.

There is way too much LH and even more than LH, there is Motzay Shem Ra, which I believe is one of the main causes of divorce!

Health’s experience is most unfortunately all too common in divorce cases. Someone mixes in and convinces one of the spouses to seek an otherwise unnecessary divorce for a marriage that could have been saved. They destroy the family, the children, and so many people. Undoubtedly these people agitating for the divorce (of someone elses marriage) will have a lot of din v’cheshbon to pay for.

divorce is a healthy normal thing that should be done as needed.

The problem is that there is such a stigma about it in the frum community, and for no reason

quark2 -“divorce is a healthy normal thing that should be done as needed”

Oook, so after your divorce and you lose your kids (If you’re married and have kids.) -come back here and tell us how much you like it.

Also, who decides it’s needed the couple’s friends and family or professionals?

According to various gedolei rabbonim speaking on the topic of divorce, most divorces were avoidable.

“Idk why but my family makes it seem like the couples who get married at 18 or 19 are the ones who get divorced cuz they didn’t know what kind of person they wanted to marry”

I don’t know why either because that is certainly far from the truth, and would be a very insensitive thing to say to a young divorcee. I find that a benefit of younger marriages, on the contrair, is that the individual girl and boy are not yet “molded,” so they are more capable of growing together and building their flexible future…

I don’t think anyone mentioned this yet, but I know that some of today’s divorces occur because the husband had been molested as a child/teenager.

Definitely bump worthy.

I definitely still agree with the first post of the thread.

When I was a kid, Jewish couples did divorce, of course, but it was always a hush-hush affair that was often followed by a total relocation of both former spouses.

By the time I was marriage-age, I’d already seen the divorces of three friends of mine at whose weddings I’d danced. The reasons were varied and always seemed very important at the time, but the common denominator always seemed to be: It Was Just Not Working.

Nowadays, as a married man myself, I have definitely encountered my share of woes and bumps in the road. To me, the only game changer is when one or both spouses don’t WANT it to work. I’ve found that almost anything can be surmounted if both husband and wife are on the same page regarding where they want their marriage to be.

If both want it to work, I’ve seen severely beleaguered marriages bounce back stronger than ever. If even one of them doesn’t, a marriage will dissolve over the proper positioning of the toilet paper.

Bump: Started 5yr ago

Yes. It’s a davar pashut, and anyone who blames the divorce rate on factors which are prevalent only in communities which (if anything) have a lower divorce rate needs to examine their prejudices.

DY, Regarding your second to last post – You said that you think the main reason for divorce (in the cases you know of) was that at least one did not want it to work. Why do you think that one of them didn’t want it to work? Do you think that:

1. That’s just life. Sometimes people end up married to people who are not right for them and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it because there was is way to know beforehand.

2. Someone had a serious problem that there was no way to know beforehand.

3. Someone had a serious problem that could have been known beforehand.

4. They weren’t a good shidduch, maybe one of them didn’t really like the other one enough to be marrying them, but felt pressurred to get married and this could have been prevented if they either had gone out longer or there had been less pressure put on them or they had used more common sense before getting engaged.

5. The marriage could have worked out if both had been willing to make it work.

or 6. You have no idea. How could you possibly know?