Desperate husbands facing divorce

Which Beis Din did you get a get done by?

I do not know of any way out

a woman in my adas (korach) is doing just that. she got her get, not civil divorce. she was reasonable about visitation, bad woman. her x got remarried, she refuses to give civil divorce. she wants him to pay her $100,000. smart and good lady, accepted into adas korach!

It’s always the husband who is the aggressor in a divorce.

You must mean that it’s NOT always the husband.

SilentOne, how much money do you actually give for your children’s living expenses, clothes, tuition? And what are your current visitation arrangements?

“despite my desperate efforts for many years to do everything to save the marriage”. What did she say was the problem/s?

Silent one, I dont have any specific advice for you, but I can definately relate to being in no mans land. I lived there for almost a year. Was NOT a fun place to be. I also know someone who is going through something very similar. I think having a friend you can vent to who has a sense of humor is a great tool. Laughter helps alot. Lots of Hatzlachah. Its heartening to hear there r erliche and heilege divorced men.. :))

I was so touched by your post. I can relate to your feelings even though I am a wife. I know this may sound weird, but venting is not what will help you. Turn your thought process around and try to focus on filling yourself up with as much love and emunah as possible. Being kind to your children and good to yourself will help bring you to great heights. Your ex-wife is also deeply hurting and is acting out her pain by denying you what you need. She may eventually be able to let go of her hurt. But her not being able to do so may be a blessing in disguise-perhaps saving you from marrying a woman on the rebound. Give yourself time to heal your pain. There are two places that are wonderful reads: Chabad on Divorce by Rabbi Bulka for practical advice and doing the work of Byron Katie for helping release the pain from your heart. Once you can begin to view your situation in a new way, you will see that the situation will look different from you. Try to concentrate on being one of the growing number of couples who can say they have a succeful divorce. This will utlimately benefit your children and your family!

It was also heartening to see that not all doors are jammed and not every tree drops a coconut on me!

SilentOne – Listen to me, how fast you get a civil divorce is really up to you. Did she file for divorce or did you? You would be surprised that even though they want the world out of you, their lawyer usually brings them down to earth. Don’t be scared and do what you have to do for yourself and for your kids. Even though I’m civily divorced, I’m always back in court. You always will have to deal with her or at least until your kids are grown.

Get yourself a Good lawyer, who A. won’t drag it out forever and B. puts your interests first. This isn’t too hard to find. And don’t worry, it’s not the end of the world. The hard part is finding someone else to marry, not getting the civil divorce!

I keep the Garden of Emuna handy. It was invaluable in helping me cope with my father’s hospitalization and death. I read it when it first came out and I didn’t connect with the writing at all. Then the sefer somehow appeared during my stay at my father’s bedside and the words rang true for me. I read many chapters to my father and I am sure that although he could barely respond, he was also comforted. When other family members were devastated I handed them the book and they too were able to draw comfort.

When we are told to be dan lekaf zechus it is much more than making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior. The mitzva is to not bear any bad feeling whatsoever. it sounds super human, however nothing in our Torah is impossible. I found the work of Byron Katie helpful in understanding how thoughts affect behavior. Our thoughts create our reality. For example: If we believe that someone insulted us then generally we will act on it and cause a chain of negative events. We need to question thoughts by asking if they are really true. Can I absolutely know that this is true? When you think that painful thought notice what happens to you physically. Who would you be without that painful thought? Then you turn the thought around and try to find three ways that each turnaround is truer than what you originally believed.

I hope I am not boring you but here is an example of how this worked for me. My father oH was a concentration camp survivor. In the hospital he was in agonizing pain (despite the strongest painkillers). I kept having the thought that “he’s been through enough, he shouldn’t be in more pain”. Of course this thought caused me deep anguish and added even more pain to this situation. I was a physical wreck and cried a lot. Deep down I felt that there was a lack on integrity on my part and I needed to discover why I felt this way. I had to question my belief that he shouldn’t be in pain. I said, My father shouldn’t be in pain”. Then I turned it around and said “I shouldn’t be in so much pain”. It hit me that I was experiencing tremendous suffering witnessing his pain which was not doing anyone any good at all. I realized that his pain is not for me to comment on, this is Hashem’s doing. Plus there was my father suffering and me suffering, too-doing no good for him or me-just adding more to his pain. I continued “Where would I be without this thought?” My honest answer was “Able to be there for him one hundred percent.” Freeing myself from this thought allowed me to be there for him totally and unselfishly. I became what he needed to see, a cheerful devoted smiling, competent daughter. When I came to this realization and let go of my erroneous beliefs, I changed and I saw a change in my father, and he gripped my hand very very tightly as though he understood the thought process going on in my head. He died shortly after that and I believed he knew that I would be okay-that I could let him go and live my life without him in this world. The process was not overnight, and the old thoughts kept returning every time I saw his catheter filled with blood and his gasping for breath on a respirator. Seeing his body erode into skin and bones…I had to really go through this thought process constantly and many times I was unsuccessful. I just kept at it until I really felt that I was being honest with myself. I knew I was doing all the hishtadlus known to us, and was on the phone to Rav Elyashiv every step of the way. I know that this pain accomplished something for my father and that for some reason I was chosen to be the child to see it the most clearly. In helping him by being there for him I was able to ask mechila for everyone in our family and have him say viduy (before the respirator). I organized tehillim, and acts of chesed on his behalf. Additionally I dealt with the hospital paperwork, doctors and insurance.

My thinking was the cause of all of my suffering and by questioning it and turning it around I was free of the misery and able to be there and be productive. If you read this all the way to the end I hope it is mechazek!

wow! emuna that was beautiful – thanks for sharing that.

For anyone considering divorce, the courts (lawyers) love to drag the cases often for years because it puts more money in their pockets. In the end you will have given most of your $ to the system and you’ll get back very little for it. Instead I know someone who is a terrific mediator. He works with both parties and saves them the time, headache and you get to keep your $ for yourselves and your children instead of giving it to the system.

If this is any help: There’s no way of knowing for sure but this has the sound of a tikkun from some previous gilgul. In any case, one essential eitza is pouring your heart out to Hashem day and night, as if He were actually sitting in front of you (which He is). He’ll help.

You ought to know from the many threads on this topic in the CR that there is a large abumdance of women seeking men in the frum community and eventually, any man will do; even those with a lot of baggage and even if the marriage is only with k’dushin and not a civil marriage.

Shev 143, can you post the name of the mediator you are referring to? I’m post divorce but still have some issues that need to be resolved and don’t want to go through court..

I think aries2756 gave good advice.

cherrybim: When your child comes crying to you that a bully beat her up, do you tell her you need to first get the bully’s side of the story before you can sympathize with her?

Sorry, it is assur when there’s hatred.

It is assur to hate.

adorable- IT IS IN NO WAY ASSUR TO REFUSE

Im getting all worked up and Im trying to think of what to say but its not working out..

Just make sure u have a normall Kallah teacher b4 u get married..

um there is a little of a discrepency here…. is it assur for her to refuse forever? we are not talking about a one time thing

if I understand correctly she may refuse. If he has children then ok if not then he has a chiyuv to have children and must persist? correct or not?