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The question is when to tell and not if. There is no question in my mind that a spouse must absolutely know if there is a Health issue. It doesn’t matter whether one can hide it or not. There are a few categories a person falls into.
1)Age
2)Health
3)Regular Home
4)Regular Boy/Girl coming from home with marital trouble
5)Regular Boy/Girl coming from home with Health issues (Boy/Girl don’t have)
6)There are many others that I am sure many of you can think of.
My question is. When is the right time to tell that Boy/Girl?
Before? Where one does not give oneself a chance. 2nd, 3rd, 4th….
Please try to answer.
The following thread addresses a closely related topic and some of its posts would apply to your question too:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-therapy
lots of people are told only to tell after a third date..the answer is different for everyone..dont rely on other people’s opinions for such an issue ASK DA’AS TORAH!!
I think what allsgr8 said is the right thing to do.
I would disclose (or expect to be told) at the end of the 2nd date. To conceal that which will eventualy come out in any event would show a lack of trust, and presumably, trust is one of the buliding blocks you are trying to lay. There is no telling what the shadchan would have said so its best to clear it up from the get-go and have the facts out in the open.
BS”D
1)Age – huh – any normal shadchan mentions this at the beginning!
2)Health – once the dating gets serious and disclosure should be clear. Some people take daily medication and it means little or nothing – and if you live long enough you’ll end up taking at least 1 RX pill a day anyway. Others L”A have problems that cannot be helped by any presently available treatment or are only partially helped.
3)Regular Home – where is the issue?
4)Regular Boy/Girl coming from home with marital trouble – also probably a known fact if the parents are already divorced. But this needs to be investigated as does any history of abuse. I can’t divulge much but I know of a very sad case of a known person in our world who is the child of abusers and is an abuser himself.
5)Regular Boy/Girl coming from home with Health issues (Boy/Girl don’t have) – depends on the issue. Many health issues that affect parents or have taken a parent at a young age L”A are random. Only real genetic issues are a concern.
6)There are many others that I am sure many of you can think of.
Weight. I always disclose that I weigh 600 kilos before swallowing the poor girl in one gulp. And if she can see my white fur and sharp teeth and claws she runs away anyway.
Seriously: business issues. With more and more white collar criminals getting caught, the parents’ business dealings should be investigated. Not everyone wants a rosh Federal kollel as a shver.
From the times that i know… I was specifically rejected for my health issue after i spoke about on 3rd date and another time on 9th date. However, it worked fine on the 5th date and i got married. Dont worry about it and with the right one it just works. Just make sure to mention…
1)How it affects you right now/future
2)And let the person know that you are ready to discuss it and answer any follow up questions.
BSD I was told actually that it is OK al pi halacha for a shadchan to lie about age but I am surprised anyone does it.
So no, as I answered they are not in the same boat – some issues are very important and others are not.
Depends what your rav says. I know of a (sibling’s) health situation where a rav said it wasn’t necessary to tell. To me it seems that in this situation, if I were to find this out later I would wonder if they were holding back on anything else. Bottom line is I think the rav said, tell if you want but you definitely don’t have to say anything to until it’s getting serious.
Get psak from a Rov instead of advice from Internet Poskim.
Im trying to understand how a Rav can poskin not to tell the other side any serious mental issues they have, because i personally know a wonderful girl who got married to someone who had a mental illness and is on medication without her knowing. After a few horrible,abusive months she got divorced. Unfortunatly he does not want to give her a get. Its very sad-if things were just said out in the open this whole mess could have been avoided.
I’m with SamShtark. This is a serious issue, and requires a kesher with a Rav. Off the cuff, I know of someone with a serious health issue, and the rav told him to let the shidduch know when it started to get serious, in his social circles the 5th date. But when the shadchan offered to set him up with her daughter, he was told to tell immediately. So even the same person it can be different depending on the situation, besides the nature of the condition.
blinky i know of unfortunately more than one such stories. Each case is different and pple have to do with what their rav paskind
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