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I’m new to dating and I was just wondering how it works when a guy goes to pick up the girl? Does he go in? How long do the parents talk to him for? how should he act during the date? Etc…
The rules are as follows:
When you arrive, you have to park precisely in front of the her house. You then take the key out of the ignition with your right hand. Using your left hand, you open the door, being careful not to sound the horn. You exit the car and then close the door.
Walk to her house, taking exactly 13 steps — no more, no less. When you arrive at the front door, count to 14 and then ring the bell once. Begin counting again. If no one answers by the time you reach 37, ring again.
When the door is answered, it is imperative that you not speak first. Address the person who answers the door politely and give a slight bow of respect…
OK, seriously now.
Repeat after me — THERE. ARE. NO. RULES. Do whatever seems normal and natural.
The answers to your questions are:
Does he go in?
If her parents invite you into the house, then you go in. If you are not invited in, then you do not.
How long do the parents talk to him for?
As long as they want.
how should he act during the date? Etc…
Like someone who wants to show them that he’ll be good to their daughter.
The Wolf
Of course you go in. How else would her father farher you?
The farher usually lasts about two or three hours, but sometimes more, if the potential future shver is not getting a clear enough picture.
During the farher, you should answer confidently, but not so confidently as to challenge the potential future shver’s self perceived superiority. This can be tricky. The standard blowing the dust off of the potential future shver’s gemara is not actually recommended, except in extreme cases.
On the date, act obnoxious. You don’t want the girl marrying you thinking you’re a nice guy. Then you’ll have to live up to it. So act like a jerk, and then when you’re married, be your mediocre self, and she’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Also, when she comes home, if she tells her father (that’s your potential future shver) that she wants to marry you because you’re such a nice guy, he’ll think her priorities are all messed up because she’s not focusing on what’s important, that you’re such a big lamdan, and he’ll call it off.
Your friends and rebbeim might tell you differently, but trust me on this. I’ve been dating for over thirty years now, so I have more experience than all of them put together, and I know what I’m talking about.
He’s supposed to marry a Bas Talmid Chochom, so he should also be giving the potential shver a farher.
The Chazon Ish says that nowadays, a Bais Yaakov girl has the din of a bas talmid chochom.
1) Always arrive on time. {This rule applies to all Shul services with absolutely zero exceptions.}
2) If after Mincho Gedolo, always pray Mincho before the date {even if have to do so biYechidus}, and don’t ever be so Frum to have to leave girl alone during date to run off to Mincho [even biYechidus].
Don’t ever assume there shall be time after date to pray Mincho.
I have a few words of advice, from personal experience.
1. Even if you are Israeli, do not make an obvious burp in front of her. In America it is looked at unfavorably.
2.Please be modest with your eyes.
3. Try to ask her questions that will offer her an opportunity to show you why she is special or what attributes she has.
4. Don’t interrupt the other when they are speaking.
C’mon people, I think chaimt meant it sincerely.
Does the guy goes to pick up the girl?
Most of the time yes. Sometimes in Israel, or if the girl lives out of town, the couple agrees to meet at a hotel or coffee shop. In Israel this sometimes can be pretty funny when there is more than one couple who agree to meet at a certain time. In US there aren’t many guys in full suits and cowboy hats or girls wearing too much makeup in middle of the daytime anyway, so its not hard to spot each other 🙂
Does he go in?
If she lives at home, yes. If she dorms, call and she will come out (make sure to have the car door open for her so she does not feel like she is being picked up in a taxi).
How long do the parents talk to him for?
3-15 minutes, usually about learning/college/job.
How should he act during the date?
Be kind and chivalrous. Ask questions that don’t have yes/no answers, and when she asks you a question, ask her a question of a similar vein back. My tip is RASA – Receive (listen to her), Appreciate (respond as she is speaking with facial expressions or expressions like “wow,” “hmmm'” “ahhh,” “I hear,” “oh my!”….), Summarize (retell her story back, adding in your impression), Ask (ask her something about her story, it might be something simple, or will help you understand her). If you really don’t care… You are NORMAL. Pretend you are hired to write a book about the person you are dating. And you want to know all about their life. As the dates progress you move deeper into their world, and they delve in yours and you build a relationship.
It is a good idea to go in because:
1. It is an opportunity to gain some insight into her family. What is the atmosphere in the home like? Do the parents try to make you feel welcome/comfortable? How do they interact with each other? Is the home clean/tidy? etc.
2. A glimpse at the potential shvigger is a preview of what you may be married to thirty years hence!
3. It is also an opportunity to make a good impression. You never know, she may be the one who needs convincing and by going in and being a good ambassador for yourself you may just be recruiting her parents as allies at a later point. Beware that this can have the opposite outcome, so be careful!
“2. A glimpse at the potential shvigger is a preview of what you may be married to thirty years hence!”
GAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(I love my mom, but I don’t think I’m going to be her in thirty years. The average paranoid yeshiva guy on a date should NOT be thinking about this- it will throw him off.)
Guys,please do not ever say,”Oh my!” on a date or anywhere else!
Ha! True Oomis! That would be very unguy like 🙂
#1 rule for guys and girls, be yourself, no need to put on a show, no need to be your worst self either, be your good self but yourself…
#2, definitely go in on first pick up, also stalk them online and hack their bank accounts to see what there finances are really like.
#3, the farherr, impossible to prepare but if your potential shver does daf yomi learn that if not than you are stuck. eitherway expect at least a 90 minute grilling, followed by your potential shviggs also asking exactly the same questions again…
#4 enjoy yourselfs,
A beis yaakov girl has the din of a bas talmid chacham with regards to hashkafah but not yichus.
Fair enough, but tell me, what is the maalah of yichus?
Le’olam yidbak adam be’tovim (or somethink like that in yesh nochalin) because the reason Moshe’s great-grandson was a priest to avodah zarah is because he married Yisro’s daughter.
Pretend you are at the zoo and your date is a monkey.
Tap and make funny noises to get their attention. Make faces and see if they copy. Throw stuff to get them to move. Maybe you see them scratch their armpits.
Pcoz, so as long as I research and don’t find any avodah zarah in the family history, I should be alright, correct?
Popa, that must have been you who went out with my sister.
(The banana scented air freshener in the car was a nice touch.)
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