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I have a friend who got engaged after 4 dates, and 10 years and 5 kids (kineina hara) later she is happily married.
I have another friend who dated her now husband for 4 months before they got engaged!
Anyone have some thoughts on why some people are so against dating long and some are so against dating short?
I understand that when a couple dates for a short time, it’s basically making a statement that no matter how long you date for, you still never really know your spouse until you get married. So once everything matches up and you like each other, just get married!
However, on the other hand; when a couple dates for a longer period of time, they have the opportunity to build a trusting relationship with each other, one that a short term dating couple does not have the opportunity to create before marriage. This is priceless before marriage because when the real problems come up, they have this strong foundation in place.
So which one is better? And please don’t say “whatever suits you…” because I want to know WHY it’s better to date longer vs. shorter or vise versa.
Why date at all? Let the father come home one nice day and tell his daughter that she’s engaged to a fine young man he met….
smartcookie: did you do one or two beshows, or did you go out to date? if the latter, how many times did you date your husband before engagement (and how many the other guys you dated before him)?
It depends on several things. People new to the dating scene, usually make a decision after several dates. People who have been out with many people need more time.
Different people need different things. It isn’t a script that everyone follows or that works the same way for everyone.
We (my spouse and I) met for (GASP) 3 times, in (everyone sitting?) one week. We’re happily married (just checked, my spouse seconds the notion), I’d rather not mention how many years or children! Baruch HaShem!
Shlishi- I hope you didn’t take my post seriously….
I dated my wife since I was in 9th or 10th grade until we finished college. Now we are happily married.
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We dated five times, and are happily married …. years later and … kids!
In the UK it seems to be the norm to date between 4 and eight times. The overall census there seems to be that if you have no reason to say no, then go for it. If you have a reason to say “no” then say it and move on. If you have doubts, then go meet again to clear up your doubt either way. If you have no doubt and no reason to say “no”, there is no mitzva to prolong the process. Say “yes”, drink a l’chaim, and live happily ever after!
Its really all about how deep you want your relationship to be before getting married.
Personally, I knew my husband for 3 years before we got married, and I thought that was rushing it 🙂
Sometimes, people need more time. They need to see if the other person’s annoyances will bother them in a few weeks or if it truly is trivial. Or if the parts that they thought were so amazing filter down to show. Or if some behaviors shown were possibly abusive.
You will never know the person you marry 100% before you get married. I wanted to know as much as I could.
Yaff- now THAT’S a solution to the Shidduch crisis! Easier said than done!
I heard from a professional date as long as you need, and be engaged as short as possible.
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