Daily Dose Of Humor

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  • #2232204

    This thread is meant to help put smile on another human’s face. If someone is having hard day, needs to lift his/hers/muzbands… spirits, hop on here. Read some things people write that will make u laugh. Read some things that people think are funny. Read some things that will help your day be a positive and productive one!

    #2232429
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
    Won’t you give me something to keep it in? he begged
    “Take this” the doctor said and handed the patient a pill box.

    #2232495

    There was once a man driving a car on highway Erev Shabbos. Realizing he wasn’t gonna to make it to his destination before Shabbos starts, he pulled over and decided to spend the whole shabbos where he is.

    He davened Kabolos Shabbos then Maariv. Afterwards he looked around his car to see if he can scavenge for himself some food or water. He only found one bottle of alcohol! “ברוך השם” he said!

    He remembered that he learnt if such a מעשה happens then he can have in mind what the alcohol should be מקיים and it halachakigly works. So that’s what he did…

    He made kiddish, then took a shot!
    Had in mind hamotzie, then took a shot!
    Had in mind fish, then took a shot!
    Had in mind the soup, then took a shot!
    Had in mind the meat, chicken, Kugel…, then had a shot!
    Had in mind the dessert, then took a shot!

    After he thanked ה׳ for his delicious meal, he realized a horror. He screamed “ Oh no I forgot to take a shot in between the fish and soup!!!!”

    #2232497

    There was once a mensch who identified as the Masiah- משיח. Oy nebach! Anyways this went on for years, if he met someone and they asked him for his name he replied I’m the Masiah!

    B”h finally one day he stopped identifying as the Masiah. The Roov of the town was so happy when he found out that he decided he would now go to visit this non Masiah mench. The Roov met this man and asked “Whut happened? Whut changed your mind?” The man replied “I realized that I wasn’t the Masiah.” The Roov said “,א ברוך השם- Ah, Thank God.” The Man replied “Your welcome!”

    #2232826
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    who is your family doctor?
    I can’t tell you
    Why not? Don’t you know his name?

    Yes. Dr. Smith used to be our family doctor but nowadays mother goes to an eye specialist, father goes to a stomach specialist my sister goes to a throat specialist, my brother is in the care of a lung specialist and I’m taking treatments from an osteopath.

    #2232834
    Kuvult
    Participant

    A Frenchman, a German & a Jew were lost in the desert.
    The Frenchman said, “I’m so thirsty I must have a glass of wine.”
    The German said, “I’m so thirsty I must have a beer.”
    The Jews said, “I’m so thirsty I must have diabetes.”

    #2233060

    There was once a גר who wanted to learn more about judisiem, specifically more about Shabbos and how to keep it right. His wife said he should go to speak to their Roov. His Roov suggested him to go to some site (on the line- using internet) that puts people’s up by other people for Shabbos.

    He spoke to his Rebetzen, she said he should really go to these people for shabbos and get the most out of it as he can. So that’s what he did.

    He arrived to his host Erev heilaggah Shabbos, chatted a bissel with the mishpacha, then went to Shul with the Ba’al Habus.

    After Kabolos Shabbos, the Roov of that Shul made Kiddish- a la’chaim. So everyone had some. They got back to the house and the Ba’al Habus made kiddish on some wine. So everyone had some. In between the fish and soup they had a shot. By the main course they had a few shots.

    The next morning after davening, by the kiddush the oilem made a bunch of la’chaims. They got home, the Ba’al Habus made kiddish. So everyone had some. Then there were a few more la’chaims during the meal.

    Same thing during shal hashudas everyone had many la’chaims! Came havdalah time and they made it on, you guessed it, more alcohol!

    Finally Motzie Shabbos, the גר returned back home, back to his wife.she right away asked him what he had learned and what they can start to do to keep the holy Shabbos better in their house. He replied “ It’s all a little foggy to me right now but the one thing I know for sure is why Jews don’t drive on Shabbos!!!”

    #2233132
    Kuvult
    Participant

    A Chosid, a Litvak & a Religious Zionist walked into a bar.
    The bartender said, “The usual Rav Kook?”

    #2233252
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    What kind of lights did Noach have in the teiva? Flood lights

    What type of cake did he eat? Mahbul cake

    #2233448
    Kuvult
    Participant

    A Modern Orthodox, Yeshivish & Big Rosh Yeshiva died & went to heaven. Hashem said to the Modern Orthodox, “You were a good Jew go to room 12 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    Hashem said to the Yeshivish Jew, “You learned a lot of Torah. Go to room 16 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    Hashem said to the Rosh Yeshiva, “You taught so much Torah. Go to room 11 but be very quiet when you pass room 8.”
    The Rosh Yeshiva said, “I understand having different rooms but why do we need to be quiet when we pass room 8?”
    Hashem answered, “Because the Chasidim are in room 8 & they think they are the only ones here.”

    #2233675
    yechiell
    Participant

    a husband buys his wife a beatiful fur coat
    she loves it and struts around in it
    their daughter comes home from some ivy league university
    and sees her mother in the fur coat
    she starts screaming ‘don’t you know what diffuiculties this animal went thru just so you could strut around in your coat? – obviously animal rights stuff she learned in school
    her mother slaps her across the face ‘don’t you EVER speak about your father this way!’

    #2233676
    yechiell
    Participant

    did you hear the latest news?
    fedex is joining up with ups

    and they’re calling themselves FEDUP.

    #2233712
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    Young doc.- Why do you always ask your patients what they have for dinner?

    Old doc.- It’s a most important question for according to their menus I make out my bills.

    #2233789
    yechiell
    Participant

    Jewish Theory of Relativity:
    If you have 2 hairs on your head, it’s very little,
    if you have 2 hairs in your soup, it’s too much.

    #2233792
    yechiell
    Participant

    Are humans like software?
    Find out as follows:

    If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

    #2233892
    shtarkyeshivabochur
    Participant

    Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
    “Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
    “It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
    “Then why did you bring it?”
    “I didn’t think it would rain!”

    #2234052
    Sam Klein
    Participant

    did you go to the doctor the other day John?
    Yes I did.
    And did he find out what you had?
    Very nearly.
    What do you mean very nearly?
    Well I had $3.40 and he charged me $3.00!

    #2234207
    yeshivaguy45
    Participant

    balabusta-your fake accent and grammar isn’t working as it portrays you in a negative light (aka troll).
    That was not a nice joke and I’m surprised that the mods let that thru.

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