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okay i have some
– women were created from a mans ribs. not from his head to be superior, not from his feet to be walked on, but from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.
– its takes approx. 8,640 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter them across the road
-dear G-d, if you cant make me skinny, please make my friends fat.
-if all my friends were to jump off a bridge, i wouldnt jump with them, i would be at the bottome to cath them.
-G-d made men first cuz every creration needs a rough draft first ( if ur a guy, plz dont take offense, its only a joke)
– love me or leave me. hey, wheres everybody going?
kay so thats all for now, but please add some. i wanna see how many we can get. thanks
-Whatever the questions is, Liquor Is The Answer
-An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, So far so good!
-People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
-Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?
-Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
-I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
-Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were
-Today is the last day of some of your life.
-Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
-Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
-I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
-Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
-This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like it.
-A good friend is cheaper than therapy.
-It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
-There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second
-Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
-Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest
-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
-If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still like you
-When we lose God, it is not God who is lost
-I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter
-Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it
-Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.
-For the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense?
-Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people
-Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
-its all fun and jokes till someone gets hurt…then its HILARIOUS!
-some ppl are like slinkys…not rlly good 4 anything…but they still make you smile till u push them down a flight of stairs
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics
I take offence because I’m a Jew. I don’t joke about my creator. The rest is quite cute. (actually people who know medrash might say the first one is also off, the meadrash cites the exact reason HaShem created her from that specific area, we don’t joke with chazal)
if you take a stone and put it into a fire it gets very hot.then you can put the stone on the street corner and people who are can can come and warm their hands. – Gil Locks
A siddur/tehillim that’s falling apart is a sign of someone who isn’t!
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
-Helen Keller
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
i’m in shape, round is a shape.
more steven wright:
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”
still more:
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
last one (for now):
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
For Moderator-80:
“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.”
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
“My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.”
– Steven Wright
guys these are great keep them coming….
When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but my mother in law doesnt like swimming
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s too old to do it
“My wife and I joined a bridge club. We jump next Tuesday.”
“An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.”
– Will Rogers
One of my favorites is by Groucho Marx:
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
The Wolf
omg you guys are awesome!
If you see someone without a smile, give him one of yours
“…more and more of our imports are coming from overseas.”
-George W. Bush
Considering the fact that you CAN have imports from Canada and Mexico (which are not “overseas,” this is not as stupid as you might otherwise think.
“Better make it six, I can’t eat eight.”
The same quote is often attributed to Yogi Berra. Sometimes I wonder if Berra really said even half the things that are attributed to him.
The Wolf
Never, say you can’t succeed. Remember, amateurs built the ark – proffesionals built titanic!
i reject ur reality and substitute my own – Adam Savage
People ask me what is the secret to a good marriage. I tell them marry Gracie- George Burns.
My Dr. told me it is unhealthy to smoke. My Dr. is dead, and I’m still smoking.-ibid
According to statistics, most people do not die after 100. The odds are in my favor.-(ibid after his 100 birthday?)
If there is a will, there is a relative.
According to statistics, 87.8% of statistics are fabricated.
When the sign on the store says come in and save, I stay out and save even more. – R’ Avigdor Miller
H-shem created a person to look intelligent-2 eyes, a nose, a mouth etc. And then he opens his mouth and gives himself away.-ibid
It is not about whether you win or lose. It’s how you lay the blame.
its not about winning or losing its about winning – my gym teacher (no joke he has said this to us multiple times)
You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
My mother was a clever woman, she only had 15 kids because she heard that every sixteenth kid born in America is an Indian.[Jackie]
It is not about whether you win or lose. It’s how you lay the blame.
“I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was going to blame you.”
– All generalizations are false.
-Sometimes as I lay in bed at night and stare up at the stars, I think to myself, what in the world happened to the ceiling?
–
“Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon”
“Sometimes, being big is about realizing how small you are.”
”Age doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.”- R’ Noach Weinberg
“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day; set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”
— Terry Pratchett (forget about his books, he has the BEST funny quotes)
??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ?? ???? ????? ??????
A true patriot is the fellow who rejoices that the system works, when he gets a parking ticket.
My mother was a clever woman, she only had 15 kids because she heard that every sixteenth kid born in America is an Indian.[Jackie]
Reminds me about the old joke about the guy who told his friend that whenever he went on an airplane, he would bring along a bomb.
“What?” the friend asked, astonished. “Are you nuts? Do you want to blow up the plane?”
“No, of course not,” the man explained. “I’m just playing the odds. What are the odds that there would ever be *two* bombs on a plane?”
The Wolf
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'”
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
J.Seinfeld
Here are a few related quotes.
(from a calendar)
-Milton Berle
-Peter De Vries
-Calvin Trillin
“G-d only grows things until they’re perfect… some of us didn’t take as long as others!!!”
“say what you know …… it wont take long!”
Dear ppl who look behind your shower curtains for serial killers,
What r u gonna do when you find one?
President founder and Ceo and 1 st member of SUC
Contact me to join.
Gossip is like film: it starts off as a negative, then is developed, and often enlarged
Teachers are like newspapers: they have all the information, but you can’t always trust them
Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with some nuts
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice. Bill Cosby
havent read them all so i hope these werent written:
1. we cant spell success without u!
2. the best medicine for gaining a friend is B1.
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
My friend asked her 2 year old niece how old she is and she replied “two old!”
“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, STOP abusing the privilege!”
“I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was mistaken.”
“There is always death and taxes, however death doesn’t get worse every year.”
“Let me know if i say anything that offends you, i might want to offend you again later.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you.”
“DEATH- the #1 killer in the USA, tell your friends.”
“Guns don’t kill people, gaping holes in vital organs do.”
“Don’t ask too many questions of God, He may say, If you’re so anxious for answers, come up here.”
“May those that love us, love us. And to those that don’t, may God turn their hearts. And if not, turn their ankles so we may know them by their limp!”
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