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I’m a new mother and struggling. My husband works and I’m at home with our baby. There are a million things to do around the house and I barely have enough time to do half of them because I’m constantly with the baby. My husband comes home from work and wants to relax but I don’t have time to relax myself, I’m cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the baby. He helps out a bit around the house but not enough and I feel overwhelmed. Any advice?
The question you need to ask yourself is if you are physically overwhelmed, or emotionally overwhelmed (the answer might be that it’s a combination).
If you simply don’t have enough time to do all you need to do, you might need to hire some (more?) cleaning help. However, it’s likely that you’re mostly emotionally overwhelmed. If this is the case, it might just be that you’re feeling underappreciated. Don’t blame your husband for it; we guys just don’t get how difficult it is to run a home and take care of a baby. If he were asking, I would tell him to make sure he lets you know how much he appreciates all of your hard work and to help out more, but he’s not the one asking.
So here’s my advice, and it’s good advice even if I’ve misdiagnosed the issue: make sure you let him know how much you appreciate what he does. He works hard to bring home a paycheck, and still has the good sense and decency to pitch in at home. It’s important that you mean it, too. If you make the effort to show your appreciation for him, you’ll feel better about things. And who knows? Maybe he’ll reciprocate and show his appreciation for your hard work and efforts as well.
Hatzlochah, and much nachas from the baby.
DY while i think your advice could work i also feel honesty is the best policy she needs to express calmly to her husband what she is feeling, if she takes your advice and he does not respond in kind it will make her feel worse, her husband is not a mind reader and perhaps does not get how hard her job is. Hatzlochah.
She shouldn’t do it only to expect him to reciprocate. Anybody in a relationship needs to appreciate the other unconditionally.
I do agree with you that she should be open with him, but if she demands appreciation and he feels confronted by her, it may backfire. I think she needs to try my idea first, and if she is sincere about it but he still doesn’t get it, at that point, she may need to be more direct.
I don’t think she should demand anything Reb DY as i stated I think she should calmly explain what she is going through.
Do they give a shiur on interpersonal relationships at Yeshiva?
They have mussar seder, and they give vaadim for chassanim. There are also usually rebbeim who are excellent baalei eitzah, and more importantly, role models.
Well that is good.
Depending on how new of a mother you are, you should keep in mind that some of the overwhelming feelings might be the result of your body’s chemistry still not completely back in balance from the birth. And another part is probably being overtired from being up with the baby. Both of these things are temporary (well, maybe the dealing with the kids at night, but at least the crying baby part), just wait them out. This is normal, don’t let it bother you more than it has to.
On the other hand, you also shouldn’t feel like you need to keep your house in tip-top shape and serve three course meals. A lot of woman go to kimpeturin homes and its not because they feel strong as an ox…
Take your home-making down a notch or three, learn to take naps with the baby and in another month or so, you’ll be back to your usual self.
Comes home from work and wants to relax? Why doesn’t he come home from work and then work more online remotely? Bum.
Welcome to the Coffee Room!
(Ignore “popa_bar_abba”‘s words, unless you find him funny – he’s not serious too often.)
Here are my two cents (it sounds like you’re a first-time mother):
1c) Go easy on cleaning – don’t do anything not absolutely necessary – and cooking – keep it simple.
2c) Get as much rest as you can. “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” and
consider getting someone to take care of the baby for an hour or two during the day so you can nap.
Oh. I just realized Derech Hamelech pretty much said the same thing. Consider this an affirmation.
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Okay, seriously, DaasYochid? A kimpeturin says she is overworked and has no time to relax, and you tell her to be sure
to let her husband know how much she appreciates him,
and that this will make her feel better?
(I see no indication in her post that she feels unappreciated…)
Mazel Tov newmama! You should only have nachas! (Sorry no advice to add, I have no experience in this area, yet.)
Randomex, if you think I’m blaming her, you’re wrong. If she’s turning to an anonymous forum for advice, I’m guessing that the problem isn’t just with her lack of rest, there’s a relationship issue. I think what I told her is excellent advice for anyone in a relationship.
I didn’t say you were blaming her, and I didn’t think so, either.
…
She hasn’t responded at all. Does anyone think that’s strange?
Randomex,
maybe she’s too overwhelmed to.
in all seriousness, I was wondering how she had the time to post and sign up for a screen name if she’s overworked and overwhelmed.
[slowly wipes egg from face]
Randomex – no need, you were right about every word you said. I’m a bit skeptical about that last post of hers, that advice was not for new moms and it wouldn’t have worked on a dime. Maybe she’s really DY’s wife.
It has been 5 days. And it’s not like DaasYochid needs
more respect to the point of faking this whole thing.
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