Coming home late from work

Does the post of the year award still exist? If yes, i nominate this post.

WellInformedYid,

Are you out of your mind? Trying so hard to convince a woman that her husband does not have a valid reason to be at work so late is your idea of hava’as shalom bain ish le’ishto? How in the world do you know that he won’t get fired if he complains? Being that he is there and you are not I would think he knows better than you. And to plant suspicions in her heart when no such suspicions existed previously – telling her to call him on his landline to make sure he really is there??? B”H it seems their marriage is great and your homewrecking attempt failed. I really hope you never try that again though.

jobless,

I feel your pain. It must be terribly lonely. However on the flip side I know someone who was in a similar situation and did the opposite of your husband – he came home at a decent hour and didn’t worry about the consequences. He was fired and their finances have been rocky for years. As hard as it is to have him come home so late, please keep in mind that not having money for groceries is not much fun either. Hopefully soon he will move up and not feel the pressure to work such long hours. Meanwhile, as hard as it certainly must be, please thank him genuinely for doing what it takes to keep you financially secure and encourage him. I’m sure he wishes he could spend more time with you too – men just don’t always know how to say it. 🙂

Wow really great comments. I was in accounting and I became a partner in the firm. And burnt out quickly. I hate accounting. Boy am I ever glad I got out of that. Yes I’m lucky BH. Its not easy at all to leave a good paying job, especially now. So all you people telling her to talk to her husband about his job, get a life and be real. The man has a job, a good one. That’s the accounting business. And the lawyer business and doctor.

charlie brown

From her repeated posts it seemed like maybe something was up with the marriage how was I supposed to know otherwise. If there was something wrong, at least I have the guts to tell someone that hey you should open your eyes. Baruch Hashem I was wrong. But Im not going to lie to someone and say no I think its perfectly normal that blah blah blah is going on in your life if I am being asked.

You shouldn’t know of what husbands are up to Lo Aleinu. There was a recent article on YWN about illegal gambling parlors and there are men that are there late at night. You dont think they tell the wife “Honey Im at work?” Or some other b.s.?

I would hope that if it is 4AM and he isn’t home that he fell asleep at his desk or he had the common sense to stretch out on the couch instead of get behind the wheel of his car when he was too tired to drive, or take public transportation when it is too dangerous to be alone on the streets. Maybe HE is using some common sense and others should do the same.

No marriage issues? Of course not, comming home at 1:00am when spouse is in dreamland.

Squeak, I’m sorry if I offended you when i said I come here for your humor. I very much appreciate your serious posts too and more often than not I agree with you. I just meant that in humor you are in a league of your own. Noone can imitate the sharp one liners that you come up with.

As a reward for the compliment can u please say what the wagon is? 🙂

From her repeated posts it seemed like maybe something was up with the marriage how was I supposed to know otherwise. If there was something wrong, at least I have the guts to tell someone that hey you should open your eyes. Baruch Hashem I was wrong. But Im not going to lie to someone and say no I think its perfectly normal that blah blah blah is going on in your life if I am being asked.

You shouldn’t know of what husbands are up to Lo Aleinu. There was a recent article on YWN about illegal gambling parlors and there are men that are there late at night. You dont think they tell the wife “Honey Im at work?” Or some other b.s.?

–WellInformedYid

I’m sorry of I came across too harsh – it’s obvious that you meant well but it is important that you be aware of the possible consequences of what you say.

I am not too naive to think that nobody does things they shouldn’t do and then tell their wife that they are at work. However for each idiot that does that there are many times as many people who work hard to support their families and don’t do anything like that. I don’t know if its .01% or 5% who go to gambling parlors and say that they’re at work but its certainly nowhere near a majority.

If you knew for certain that someone’s husband was at a gambling parlor then indeed he deserves no mercy – I agree with you on that. But even then I’m not so sure that you should go tell the wife – before wrecking a home I would definitely ask a rav.

But being that you didn’t know that jobless’ husband is not at work – you yourself said that you thought maybe there’s a problem but how could you know otherwise – you have no right to assume he is part of the small minority and not part of the vast majority? Thats what being dan lekaf zchus is all about. And if a husband is completely innocent and you plant doubt in his wife’s mind (which B”H didn’t occur in this case) – you can create real actual shalom bayis issues. The wife will be constantly what-iffing and the husband will resent being suspected.

The same goes for your assuming that working till 4 AM is not normal and that he should be talking to his boss and insisting on coming home earlier. You don’t know that and neither do I. Others have posted here that it is normal for accountants to work such long hours. And you and I don’t know his boss’ temperament and the office politics there. How can we decide that he won’t get fired if he insists on coming home earlier? We can’t. But to cause his wife not to trust him can again cause real issues.

The bottom line is NEVER cause someone not to trust their spouse unless you are really 100% certain that there is a problem and you ask a rav. Again, please don’t take this personally. I realize that you meant well.

Now can I please go back to being a lurker? 🙂

aYid, even with that you can’t assume that there are car services that work 24 hours in all parts of the country. It just isn’t so.

charlie brown

You have what to say you shouldnt be a lurker. I appreciate your perspective.

and btw jobless, when I was excited that he came home at 11 that night, he ended up staying up working at home until 2! Is your husband able to work from home?

WellinformedYid; (To; Charlie Brown) If there is an issue of trust between the stay-at-home spouse and the “Stay-late-at-work” spouse, the proof will be in the (size of the)paycheck. Someone “working Late” who brings home a small paycheck at the end of the Month, surely raises suspicion as to the kind of “Work” he has been engaged in.

lol that’s funny… we are actually currently looking at houses in monsey. we are looking into a certain area with young couples…

My chavrusa has this new thing that he likes to learn extra after maariv. So instead of our usual seder which brought us home at about 1l:30, he decided to learn extra and now only leaves shul at 12:30, 1:00. is this normal??

I know this thread was about working, but does it work the same way with learning?

for some yes if their that BUSY and for the ones lazy and want a normal life like me no.

P.S. I know that this thread started 5 years ago but I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to ask… Thank you

Thanks… Any other info anybody?

***in my first post, “societally” was supposed to be “specifically”. Thank you swipe keyboard****

mag868: I’m a software engineer.

I used to work at a start-up. Was putting in 60+ hrs each week (this was during the summer so Shabbos was late). I quit that job (for a number of reasons) and went to work at a large company. Now I work a standard 40 hr week.

As a software engineer your hours will be determined by the team you work with. Make sure to clarify this during the interview process.

Choosing based on what others are doing is silly. Choose what you want and let them make their decisions based on yours.

No,no!!! Don’t become a software engineer (whatever that means, probably someone that change the light bulbs in the programmmers’ lounge). You’ll end up giving up a 3:00am!!

Princess, don’t feed the frogs…

appdev – dont get it?

appdev – i know that. i have a number of sisters in that field and know a bunch of others who are in that field.

its normal

Because there was a spam post.