Chinuch- The "middle child syndrome"

How old is he? Have you tried to give him some one on one time? Yes some kids are more sensitive than others, and some are more closed up than others and need more encouragement to open up about their feelings. It is however important to spend time with them and allow them to talk about their feelings and what is going on with them, both at home and in school. Let him tell you what HE needs and why he seems to feel unhappy.

Riding in the car is one of the best times a kid opens up. Also bath time when they feel relaxed. It is also important to give each child some one on one time with each parent. So if you can arrange to take him out for ice cream, for instance, and just give him an hour one on one, he might start to open up about his feelings and his needs.

First, do you spank or potch? If so, the hitting could be a behavior he learnt from you (I’m not saying it is, just posing the question).

Also, its important to teach him to deal with his feelings. Start helping him label his feelings (“I get frustrated when older brother gets to do things first” or “I get upset when younger brother takes my toy” or things like that). The more he can verbalize his frustrations, the less he will tend towards non-verbal communication (which hitting is).

Don’t discount the playgroup – my friend’s son just switched and a lot of his negative behavior went away. Does he like to go to playgroup? Does he want to avoid it?

I definitely second the alone time. Its really important for your kids to feel like they can be heard as individuals. That goes for all your kids, but this one especially.

I raised a large family K”H and my children were all very well adjusted and loving to each other. There was no need to Patch or punish, above all I never raised my voice, always speaking calmly, (our neighbors could not stop admiring us they never heard yelling from our house). It is very important never praise or show accesively love and affection in front of the other children. This is very painful for a sibling to watch. Try it, you will see a tremendous difference.

Our children are all married by now and raise their own families, Each have their own Mazel, some are well off, others have less.

There is B”H no Machloikes or jealousy,no difference among sisters or sister-in-laws on the contrary they are always helping each other out, The main think is Daven to Hashem.

Good luck,

I think the main thing to keep in mind is, he’s only 5! Middle, end, oldest, he’s a little kid growing up in a very big world.

The best thing you can give him now is private time. No “tell me what happend today” no, “what are you feeling right now”; just time spent away from the rest of the family. And not when you / spouse is running errands. Real time (even as little as 15 minutes) devoted to him alone. Make a point of telling him you’re shutting your cell phone, becuase you don’t want to be disturbed (not sure if a 5 year old can grasp the cell phone part, but with kids being as savvy as they are today, he just might).

But as LM (and others will concur) Daven, daven, daven! (FYI – my batch is teens and above, and I still rely on syata dishmaya for the rough spots)

Hatzlocha!

It is important to take turns with each and give each alone time and each should know that “now is “x” time to go alone with mommy or tatty. Make a calendar so each gets to see when it is their turn with each parent. On their turn let them choose what they would like to do for instance go for ice cream, go to the park, take a long ride in the car, go for a walk, etc. There won’t be jealousy because each one will know that their turn will come.

It is also important to have “house” rules. WE don’t use foul language and we don’t hit in this house, there is a time out for anyone who hits, no questions asked. And have a special place and chair for the time out, with a timer. When the time is over sit down and ask the child or both children what the disagreement was about, why they chose to hit, and what they could have done differently instead of hitting. This can be done with any issue such as taking another child’s toy, ripping a book, so on and so forth. The time out is used to both calm down the child and calm down the parent so they don’t lash out in anger with a million and one hurtful comments and consequences they can’t follow through on. So in addition to the time out for children it is important for parents to take two breaths before reacting.

Getting back to the sensitive child, one must allow a child to feel what they feel because feelings are not right or wrong they are just there, so the point is to get to the root of the feelings. Why are they being so sensitive? What is the basis? Is there a lack of self-confidence or self-esteem? Do they think less of themselves than of their siblings? Do they think their sibling is smarter, stronger, bigger, more capable? Is he being bullied in school?

You might be teaching him not to fight and he isn’t, but the kids in school are being so aggressive that he is confused. Everyone else is being “normal” and he is being a sissy or acting like a girl. So how exactly is he supposed to behave. Unless you ask him about what is actually going on in his class, who his friends are and what goes on, you are not going to hear his side of things, his views on the subject and what is really going on his his heart and in his mind.