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from what I understood of it, yes. I hope to do more on this later 🙂
HELP!!! What should I say to a teen that’s about to do something that she really shouldn’t be doing????? I can’t stop her but I need to say something.
~a~
ok, finishing up from before, I wanted to say something interesting. when someone is on an EKG the lines resemble that of a line graph, where there are drastic changes very often. when the line is straight, there is no longer a heartbeat. when a person has ups and downs in life, that is what actually makes life “happen.” when everything is smooth, thats it, no more life… ok, I’m not normally this deep, just something that I heard a long long time ago and it sort of stuck with me… in regard to the question, I think it makes sense because if there was no test in life and everything would work itself out, how would we earn olam haba, and why would we be created then? maybe I should take back the deep part… 🙂
i’m waiting for #55 to say “please continue this discussion in the pesach recipes thread…”
😉
anonymisss: i’m not sure but i think just make it clear that you don’t agree & you wish she wouldn’t, & explain if she asks. don’t bug her or make rules. if she looks up to you/likes you she may decide not to if she knows you don’t want her to, & if she doesn’t, driving her crazy will probably not help anyway.
moish01: lol yeah
AOB, thanks. That was a smart answer. Unfortunately, by the time this got posted, it was too late, but for other times, I’ll need the answer.
FOLLOWUP: I agonized about it for 45 minutes and then finally came up with a text to send her basically saying she knows what I think about _______ and I love her always no matter what. As expected, there was no response.
Hours later, I just texted her good night and she text back good night and btw i didn’t end up…..
BARUCH HASHEM!!!! I have no idea what happened and chances are it had nothing to do with me. I was just so happy that it ended this way. Miracles DO happen.
Anyone who has answers to my dilemma can still please post them as they will be useful for me and possibly for others in the future.
Thank you!
~a~
anonymisss I think you just made my day! you should see me now, I have a huge smile all across my face 🙂 I wish you lots of hatzlacha that in case you are ever faced with an issue like that again (which I certainly hope you are not) but in case you are, following a little on what AOB said, tell her (them) that you’ve expressed your opinion and they know how you feel and they know what they want to do and if they want to then yes and if not (hopefully!!!) then not. guilt is a great weapon, why not use it. 🙂
anonymisss: yay 🙂 i’m so glad it worked out!!!!!!!!!!
kapusta: oh yeah i can definitely agree with that 😉 sometimes guilt is the best weapon!!!
kapusta, you’re very cute. You made me smile now, so we’re even. Anyway, I wish I would never be faced with this again either. Unfortunately, being involved with this one and others, very likely I will be. You think I said the right thing?
~a~
anonymisss I dont think I’ve ever been called cute, but I guess theres always a first time. If I can change my last post now, I would say that I literally CANNOT stop smiling, you so made my day (maybe even my week!) I dont know you, and i definitely dont know her but I davened for her (I think I’m starting to sound like a davening addict on here) and I do know that no tefilla is ever wasted so I must have had something to do with it. I think in your position you said the best you could (assuming you have no prior experience working with teens, not that it definitely wouldve helped) but you cant tell her shes evil and you cant tell her to do it so you took a very safe middle ground which b”H paid off! 🙂
btw, the fact I made you smile is not hurting too much either 😉
anonymisss: i’m so happy to hear things are doing better now!!!
Everyone’s so nice here, thanks!
prior experience working with teens-kapusta, I’m just barely out of my teens myself! Yes, I daven for her all the time, and for others that (almost literally-but that’s another story) landed in my lap. Like ames said, I never tell her or any others what they should or shouldn’t do, I know I can’t change them. I have found that they know good and well what’s right or wrong, they don’t need me to tell them and not a one of them is evil!!! Far from it!!
~a~
btw anonymisss maybe tell her to come on here, I could get into these deep discussions with her… 🙂 and shed probably enjoy it :p
ok, anonymisss, admit it, whos really the nicest? jk I think most of the time they just want someone to hear out their side of the argument and not bombard them with the “evildoer/goy” line 🙂
kapusta: you’re not the only one – i also davened for her & daven for others in the cr even if i don’t mention it 😉
kapusta, then I won’t be able to consult with you anymore. What will I do then????
~a~
don’t tell her to come on here. she’s gonna wind up like me- listening to all this preachy stuff. i don’t know why i do it to myself.
kapusta, what? You’re asking me to openly admit that I’m the nicest??? jk. Yes, that is often what they’re looking for-validation! They don’t need anyone to tell them that they’re bad, they already tell it to themselves. They need to hear what is good about them. I’m no psychologist or anything of the sort, I have come to these conclusions from experience and observations.
What should I say to her now? I don’t want to say that I’m happy she didn’t do it because she shouldn’t be doing things to please me. I want to tell her that she made the right decision or something like that. Please advise, all advice welcome here, and it’s perfectly fine if you’re younger than me, I will listen to everyone.
moish, hmm…. I’m having second thoughts, maybe I should tell her to come here, this place is totally addcitive.
~a~
I would say to avoid the issue for right now, she probably doesnt want to talk about it either right now, because shes torn between the good and the bad. in a week or two bring it up and encourage her, and maybe try the nursing home thing, or something else dealing with that sort of thing.
do you know what her issues with the frum community are? or were the issues with her? :/
you people are so manipulative
moish, you already made that observation aw hile back as a general rule
the point is not to be manipulative here 🙂
squeak youre on very thin ice 😉
i forgot.
i meant now. they’re scheming up how to get this poor girl to do exactly what they want. leave her alone – let her breathe. the more you squash her the more she’s gonna hate you.
kapusta, I absolutely love being on thin ice. I thrive on it.
I want to positively reinforce her decision, so that the next time she’s confronted with such a situation, she’ll remember this time. I know such things happen often and I want to talk about it before we’re in another one like this, because during, it’s really hard to think straight. No, moish, I am not being manipualtive, I am being proactive. I NEVER tell her what she should or shouldn’t do. EVER! When she does a good thing, I give her a sincerer compliment. When she does the opposite, I’ll usually just remind her that she knows what she should/shouldn’t do, or I’ll say “you don’t need me to tell you what to do, you know.” That’s all. I try to keep it short and simple.
about the issues: academic issues, definitely. and also issues with her parents but I don’t know what came first with that one; like the chicken or the egg.
~a~
anonymisss what are her strong points? what does she like to do (that she does well) maybe show her that she can excel at something even if its not academics. sounds to me like shes just frustrated with her life right now. maybe even something like music (there is nothing in this world like good music and especially something that she would put effort into. something like piano or guitar is not exceptionally hard and it can be so beautiful. but tell me what she likes and what her interests are in, it’ll be much easier then. and also, how old is she? 🙂
anonymisss, I didnt see the part about the issues with her parents part, basically you cant back up her parents because shes wrong, and yo cant back her up because her parents are wrong… tight spot. this is VERY random, but maybe do something with her, like learn something, maybe shmiras halashon or something like that (actually someone told me theres a book called purity of speech which has very simple halachos if you would like, I could probably get you more info on that) but take something and make it “yours” it’ll be your special thing that youre both very careful about. 🙂
didn’t anonymisss say she was 16?
kapusta, well, it came to a point that she’s not living at home anymore. So, the whole thing is really….. And that is a REALLY random idea, I wonder if it would work.
AOB, yes, she is sixteen.
~a~
an open book: anonymisss said the kid she’s trying to help out is 16, not her herself!!!
Jax, isn’t that what AOB said?
~a~
anonymisss: yeah, it was a slow post time last night & when the update happened, it showed both our posts!!!
which one are you talking about? maybe both… I think the general idea is to get her to feel good about herself in some way. 🙂 good luck!!! 🙂
jax & anonymisss: that’s what i meant. sorry, i realized right after i posted it that it could be misunderstood.
kapusta, I’m sad;( very sad;(
~a~
anonymisss: what happened?
and my posts went where…?
People say such stupid things! Don’t they get it that I was very hurt by what happened? Why do they have to give me all the “details” as if I don’t know, and half of what they say is not even true!! I really can’t take it!!
~a~
anonymisss my posts didnt get posted for some reason. basically its a fact of life that people will say stupid things and usually it’ll happen at what seems like the worst possibble time. remeber that whatever youre going through just keep on teling yourself that its a kaparah (I even heard one time that you can have in mind exactly what thing you would like it to be a zchus for) and Hashem is with you. there is an article (an email type) that talks of a person after he dies and hes remembering the events in his life and he says whenever things were good in my life he sees two sets of footsteps and Hashem responds by saying that they were walking together. then the man asks what happened when he went through the hard times, there was only one step of footsteps, how could Hashem leave him in his time of need. and Hashem says, he didnt leave him, he was carrying him. keep in mind that He loves you and this is as hard for him as it is for you, if not harder. I give you my sincere bracha that Hashem grant you with menuchas hanefesh and a tremendous amount of simcha for good. :):):):):)
About using guilt as a tool for making them doing the right thing.
If you do it too much then the person will start associating you to feeling guilty whether it is consiously or not. No one likes feeling guilty and chances are that she will distance herself from you. Im not a psycologist but im basing it on what i would probably do if someone tried dointg that to me.
As for helping this girl. The best thing is just to be a good freind and someone she can tgrust. NEVER go behind her back and do something you said you wouldnt or tell someone something when she trusted you to tell nobody.
Also make sure to give a lot of honest smiles even a small one can help. No idea how but it will always put a person in a better mood. Maybe not right away but it may be a few minutes later when you are no longer there and she starts thinking more positivly but giving a person an honest smile will ALWAYS make them feel somewhat better.
anonymisss: Smile a big smile for a couple of minutes and think of positive thoughts and it will go away ive done this a few times and its worked its hard but it works 🙂
As an aside people say stupid things all the time you just need to ignore them. (Like me i say stupid things all the time, thank god for the mods they delete most of them)
kapusta: Perhaps the reason people seem to say the worst things at the worst possible times is only because when you are in a down type of mood you view what they are saying in a bad way but when you are in a good mood you just ignore it.
aussie, absolutely! attitude is everything when youre in a good mood, everythings good. like they say, “smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone” (I dont even know if that was the real intent behind the saying, but it fits!) 🙂
kapusta, thanks. I thought I was being so nice on Friday and I went to visit someone that I know. I knew she would be so happy if I came so I really went out of my way to go to her. Anyway, she starts talking about this and I said could we please not discuss it. She just had to show me how much she knew about it and I was so so so upset. I left in tears.
aussie, I like what you said about using guilt. It makes a lot of sense. Is what I said to the girl called using guilt? I didn’t think so and I really hope not. About trust, yes, I very strongly believe that no relationship can survive without a solid foundation of trust TOGETHER with respect. and smiles are smiles, they always work, as long as you’re not trying too hard to be nice. Just be normal. I was on that side of the story not that long ago and that’s why I can relate to her.
~a~
anonymisss, could you tell me what sort of thing happened, (you dont have to if you dont want to, or if its personal) but it would make it a lot easier to help you (and maybe satisfy my curiosity… :p) :):):):):)
I can’t just smile if I’m really sad about something.
Ok, aussie, you made me smile:
As an aside people say stupid things all the time you just need to ignore them. (Like me i say stupid things all the time, thank god for the mods they delete most of them)
Seriously, there has to be something that makes you want to smile. I can’t fool myself into thinking that life is grand if it’s really not.
~a~
anonymisss: I know what you mean, but my point is that if you smile you will see that life is really a lot better than it seemed a moment ago. Try focusing on something in your life that is going well or something like that. Its hard because when your feeling down you have no intrest in smiling, but i can guarantee it to work.
Glad i can make you smile.
There is always something that makes you want to smile. The trick is finding it and letting yourself smile.
anonymisss, I was just saying shema, and in hamalach, it says, “miyimini michae-l umismoli gavrie-l umilfanai urie-l umaiachorai refae-l v’al roshi shchinas K-l. I think that basically proves how much Hashem loves you!
*kapusta*
Sorry, mod. I dont have hebrew on my PC.
kapusta: How about a translation?
Sorry aussie, its late! Basically says, on my right side is malach Michae-l, on my left side malach gavrie-l, in front is malach urie-l, and behind me is malach rafae-l, and on top of me is Hashems shchina.
*kapusta*
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