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Anyone out there that had a broken engagement? Share your feelings.
No but it seems to really be in style these days.
Why would you do that to someone? Expose such pain?
I once broke an engagement to meet a partner for lunch. We made a new engagement for the next week.
Yossi;
Why is it different then dumping someone after a long courtship?
Just because pple dont know doenst mean the pain less !
OnlyTruth- Yes, and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and G-d willing it will be the hardest thing I ever have to go through. Sometimes things happen to us in life and all you really have is to cling on to is to Hashem and emunah. I am assuming you had one?
Yossi Z.. it is better to have pain like that, then to have a divorce and even worse pain after. My Rav told me Sometimes neshamas need to make tikkunim with each other for a certain amount of time, to lead them to their true zivug.
i think i wasn’t clear …
what i was trying to say was that now that such pain had to have been gone through, why have them re-live it? wouldn’t you say that once is enough?
I agree with Yossi. This thread is just asking people to relive incredibly painful memories. If someone wants to say something like that on their own, that’s fine by them. But there’s no reason to have a thread like this as a constant reminder.
oh yossi z- Im sorry I misunderstood. I totally agree with you, 100%. I thought maybe the person started probably had one and would be comforted someone knowing there are others who have been through it.
Only truth
Have you broken or been through broken engagement yourself??
I think if a very personal question is asked it’s only fair that others know whether you’re asking this for personal chizuk or stam as a topic of conversation.
I wrote a lot about this on the forum Pain of Shidduch Rejection.
In trying to be constructive, this should be addressed by our leading Rabbeim, as the resulting pain of such a thing can be as dreadful a pain as anyone one has ever experienced. What is one to do at that point?
Forgive me for comparing, but in the outside world people can grow tired of another and move or on or their partner can c”vs violate the relationship and at least the grieving party has something to help them accept the situation.
Here, in our community, someone can be on cloud 9 and then all of a sudden then get a message it’ over; and they never saw a problem coming. And many times this heartbreak may be based merely that something does not look right “on paper”. People are complex and sometimes third parties or one of the original parties overthinks something making a match seem like too much of a business, legal arrangement affecting precious hearts and neshamos in damaging ways, heaven forbid.
I dont know the answer, but there seems to be people speaking or needing to speak out about being hurt, pretty badly, from this process. What do we do for them? We have to care about them and not let them suffer in silence with the hope the answer is always just around the corner.
Dating should include some parameters to avoid causing a high degree of pain. We are a good hearted and natured people and must be delicate with each other in this area.
Remember to post as many personal details as possible so the stalkers can track you down.(disclaimer:not)
I have a relative who broke an engagement. She dated the guy because he was the type of guy her parents wanted for her. Some other relatives saw some things in him that they really didn’t like, and told her father so. It caused a bit of a fight.
Anyway, after they were engaged, she thought he became somewhat controlling. When they were out once, he said something that scared her, and she took off her ring, gave it back to him, and left. Her parents were furious with her – the guy was supposedly a big talmud chacham, one of the top guys in his yeshiva. She told them he scared her.
She ended up marrying a very nice guy later. Her former fiance also got married – then divorced. They heard that he physically abused his wife. Her parents aren’t upset about it anymore.
everyones heard some wacky ones. i just met a friend i hadnt seen in a year and had heard he was engaged. we gave each other a hug and i exclaimed,”Dude! Your married!” and he said,” No im not! but you are!!” he took it well. i felt dumb. and i promptly asked him for some ketchup to go along with my foot.
I stopped eating for days and sunk into a real depression. I broke it, but what made it so difficult was trying to understand what was wrong with me (after I heard he had gotten married to someone else). It wasn’t that I wanted him, just that I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. I was back to myself a week or two later. I think the time helped the most, and being very honest with myself about all aspects, not just the positive.
Emunas itecha: not a problem 🙂 I am still learning how to express myself properly
Onlytruth- i dont know if your broken engagement is recent or it happened a while ago, but time heals. It doesn’t matter if you were the one who broke it, or if your the one on the receiving end, no matter what it is painful. But it shapes you, it will make you a stronger person. One day SOOOON you will look back at what happened, and be thankiing Hashem with tears in your eyes because you have found your true zivug and Hashem saved you from something else that could have been detrimental. There are so many people who see warning signs, or for another valid reasons need to break it off, but they are too afraid because the plans are made, and people might think this or think that. But going through with it BEFORE marriage shows strength. And if you were the one who was broken up with, consider that also a bracha because the other person is just a shliach of Hashem. If it happened, it was meant to be. Your not the one who caused it to happen, and you wont ever be thinking if you did the right thing or not. I don’t know what happened, and I wont ask you for details because it is very personal, but Hashem has a plan for you and wiith Hashems help, one day very soon, we will be dancing with you at your chasunah with your TRUE zivug, and with Moshiach Tzidkeinu!
Sure broken engagements are painful, but often they are a necessary painful break that stops something worse from taking place. So sorry for young people hurt and feeling rejected by broken engagements as parental expectation and communal gazing affect judgement and pain enormously. But once the break is done those directly affected the girl and boy can have a breather and re-evaluate what they want and need in a shidduch. Often the hurt that comes out from a broken engagement is from a sense of hurt pride and shame, natural and healthy to feel but greatly exaggerated because we live our lives so closely with the extended community. We feel embarrassed by it all. But TIME AND MOT OF ALL EMUNAH HEAL! Later we realise it is so often not the other person we miss but a sense of awkwardness that hurts. Take it easy and when ready date again. You will be amazed at the way when the right person comes along, nothing else matters. I am not being naive but speaking from experience.
What about a person who had two broken engagements?
I am stuck, so forgive me. But how do we always know that something is broken off for a good reason, and not just because of an overblown, speculative hunch? How do we know that in these situations “something better” is just waiting around the corner? I do have emunah and bitochon, and perhaps it needs to be strengthened, but the emotions have a mind of their own. I mean, if two people seem to get along and like each other, how can there be one little detail that would make someone think the entire future together is destined to be doomed? Just sharing a thought…
BTGuy- Most broken engagements dont happen because of one “little” detail. Also, most of them are done with the guidence of Rabbeim and Daas Torah.
Emunas Itecha, Many of them are not done with such guidance. Even still, I dont know of anyone in our community “so horrible”, and when meeting new people, how can we have a clue that their future days, c”vs, will be such a bad influence on someone? I am just saying this is a tricky situation. Sometimes they say marriage will straighten a person right up. Other times it brings out the worst of a person, even though individually both parties are nice people. Who can predict? My point was how do we really know that all broken engagements, based on consultation or not, averted and saved someone from a terrible future? And how do we know after such a difficult situation that the “best” one is just around the corner? I am not offering anything here other than a thought or two.
BTGuy- I hear what your saying. BH our job in this world isnt about prediting and figuring out things like this. We don’t really know anything- the only One who knows in Hashem. He is the only One with the answers. Our job is to look at our own lives and try to do the ratzon Hashem, whatever that may be for each person individually. All we can do it daven that the choices we make are the riight ones.
Emenas Itecha. Bottom line: You are correct. Somehow I wish it were easier for the emotions to follow the thoughts. I will continue to focus on your points. It may not be easy to do all the time, but you are speaking the truth.
I broke off an engagement, and BH it was a very smart albeit tough decision, and i am happily married now. I just read here that someone said
“how do you know it is for the better and that it is a good thing”?. If you are engaged and know in your heart it is NOT right, and you are not happy and this is not the person you want to spend your life with and have CHILDREN with and go to bed with every night for the rest of your life with, calling it off is a blessing. Its only unfortunate that it got that far to begin with. In my situation it was a very quick shidduch, we seemed to have enough in common, everyone was getting engaged, but then weeks later i just realized it was not the person for me. I caught the person in a number of lies and (sketchy) situations, a few family members had some bad feelings about it, i just couldnt go through with it. I dreaded waking up every morning. Then i did it. BARUCH HASHEM. It was hard, it was embarassing, people spoke about me and my family. For a few months..then it was over. 2 years later i am SO happily married and in love with my husband and more mature. It WAS for the better.
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