- This topic has 13 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Do you need any professional training to be a good shadchan?
I know that some people just say that you need to have the desire and connections to help. However I wonder if it could be risky to set people up.
What if someone is better off leaving it up to professional shadchanim?
Background: Please hear me out. This relates to dogs. In my experience, when someone needed to rehome a dog, finding a good home for the dog myself once had really unfortunate results.
After that, I decided that it was better to give the dog to a rescue who were more diligent in their screening process. There were several people that the person had to get through before adopting the dog.
Furthermore, the people had to pay an adoption fee (we just had a thread about paying shadchanim, and honestly investing money and time into one’s shidduchim does add a level of commitment and hopefully a gesture of sincerity in building success from the get-go), prove that they would be loving and provide for the dog, and had to be patient through the process.
Back to the professionals:
Wouldn’t that be preferable, compared to amateurs setting up this nice person with that nice person who both seem to and say that they want the same thing, and seem to be a good match in theory.
How much can I know about someone in order to responsibly introduce him or her to someone else, and thus vouch for his or her credibility?
Thank you
The difference apparently is that the dog has no say who his future owner will be, whereas the couple can evaluate themselves if the shidduch redt to them is appropriate before they marry the other person.
best to only redt shidduchim if you know both of them & feel it would hopefully-with hashems help-make a good shidduch.
can be based on different reasons. rather they share similar personalities which is very important or life values etc… which is very important too
hatzlacha on becoming a real true successful shadchan
Most shaddchanium barely know the people the people they are setting up. It is the responsibilities of the parties to investigate. Your disclaimer is not necessary. If every shidduch proposed by a professional was the right one the wouldn’t be a shidduch crises.
I think anyone involved in shaddchunis is doing a big Mitzvah ,something similar to Kiruv work.
LB – there are halachos brought down about how it’s assur to set someone up with someone who would be bad for them. When I have a chance, I’ll try to look it up for you, b”n.
I believe most of the shadchanus business will eventually evolve into trusted Internet dating sites.
Indeed, what makes a good shadchan? Those of us either dating or married, have dealt with many shadchanim. What were the qualities of a good shadchan that made him/her, in your opinion, good? What ‘standards and practices’ should all shadchanim follow?
“amateurs setting up this nice person with that nice person who both seem to and say that they want the same thing, and seem to be a good match in theory.”
many shidduchim have been made exactly the way you described, LB
When I dated, I always preferred the suggestions that came from people who knew me than from a professional shadchan, who often had some preconceived notion of whom I should marry without knowing me or even meeting me.
No matter where the suggestion comes from, it should be checked out personally.
If the shadchan feels that they are not competent to do more than suggest a name, and they can’t handle the follow-thru/advice that is needed, then a third party can be enlisted -say a dating couch or other mentor who can be the one to talk to each side, and help the relationship progress as necessary.
But I would not personally set up some anonymous person online knowing nothing about him.
LB, you’re welcome. and not just that it has value, but should be encouraged.
There is no such thing as a professional shadchan in the sense that it doesn’t require special schooling or training. If you know 2 people that seem like they would be good together, you can definitely try setting them up. As long as you don’t pressure them into marrying one another, you have nothing to worry about. Either they, or their parents or mentors will look into the shidduch as far as checking is concerned. I know people are very scared to set up people but believe me, most singles appreciate it very much when people think of them even if it doesn’t work out. My approach to setting people up is first find statistical commonalities-similar ages, height is ok, hashkafas are similar. Then try as best as you can, to judge if their personalities mesh. It’s important to ask them what kind of personalities they have and what they are looking for. Even if you know one party well and the other not so well, meet them or speak on the phone for a while to get an idea of what they are about. I wish more people were like you LB-we need more people who help in this area. I encourage you to try, as well as others. If you see this is not your forte, that’s ok too. There are many chasadim one can do. At least you will have tried. Much hazlacha!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.