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Can you post some important but not-so-obvious tips to be a good guest? Not things that are obvious like help clean the table off, say please and thank you etc.
I also have a specific question: if you are someone that goes to the same families frequently (for example- a seminary girl or a boarder that eats at your family’s house), what should you do about presents? If you eat at their house once or twice a month should you bring a gift every time? Something expensive like flowers or a small cake/candy platter?
Thanks!
I personally try to bring a dozen roses or a $10 candy tray then again I don’t eat out often so $10 or $15 here and there is no big deal.
…to get there!
@Smart Teen,
As someone who had his home turned into a highschool refuge camp for 4 years I can tell you that my mom always commented on which of my friends were good guests.
Criteria she used
1: They were eating enough
2: If they had decent table manners
3: Had something insightful to say on either the parsha or just something going on in the world
4: Decent sense of humor
5: Polite in their table manners and their dialouge with other guests. (some of my friends had very different views on life and it could get ugly if not defused)
6: It wasnt imperitive but that they bring something (something practicle rather than ostentatious)
Most importantly!
7: If they called after shabbous and said thank you!!
1.take a sincere interest in the topics they bring up at the table EXCEPT for Loshon Hora.
2.Smile as much as you can so they feel you are enjoying it at their house
3.Listen to and compliment the kids
4.Compliment the cooking,and especially what great kids they have
5.try not to interrupt
since i was a guest by many people i knew the do’s and dont’s.
DO help with kids
DONT do things that will upset the host or hostess
DO strip the beds after sleeping over unless they tell you not to which one family told me not to bec she didnt like the bed with no sheet.
DONT just sit there!
DONT fill up your plate with all the food and not leave for others(that goes for men)
DONT drink all the alcohol(bachurim)
Now that I am a hostess I finally see what was going on behind the scenes and B”H I did all the good that I did. My husband’s friends that come over, some of them are polite and help others just sit there and dont do a thing. One guy was supposed to bring 2 friends with him but bec he was gettting drunk the night before he never showed. I told him he’s not allowed back for a long time since I prepared for him and the other 2 and what he did wasnt right. There are some people that come that I have to tell them to watch their mouths. some people are just so inappropriate i just dont get it.
I personally try to bring a dozen roses
You bring 3 bottles of Four Roses? I would consider 1 bottle to be a very nice house guest gift. 3 is overkill.
veteren- Huh?
…to get there!
I became an extension of a local yeshiva. I told the bochurim and at times girls, the first time you are at my home you are guests the second time you are family. That meant don’t wait to be served and don’t wait for others to clean up for you.
The best guests help to set, to serve and to clean up. It is not really necessary to bring gifts, the help is worth its weight in gifts.
Join the conversetion but dont take it hostage, let other people talk to, make sure you let the parents talk to and listen to their own kids too.
Guests who are invited for a meal: please ask you hosts what time they want you to come, and try to come on time.
Always compliment the food, and if your hosts have children, tell the parents how cute/smart/well-mannered their kids are. If you have to be creative, so be it!
Once I was eating a meal somewhere together with about 15 other guys.
The host said something to me about expecting me to say a dvar torah. I said I preferred not to.
He told me he wasn’t kidding. I said I wasn’t either.
Shrek~ “Guests who are invited for a meal: please ask you hosts what time they want you to come, and try to come on time.”
come on time is right! I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had guests arrive late, or even when we’ve already finished the meal:(
Help clear the table. If your host/hostess doesn’t want you to help, they will see you made the effort.
Don’t hide in your room except for the meals. Bochrim are expected to attend a minyan. Girls, if not going to shule, should be out of their room(s) and spending some time with the host family.
(For visitors in Israel – if you are going for the entire Shabbat, don’t expect to shower when you get there. If you do shower, make it quick! Remember that water in Israel is dear, precious, scarce, and expensive!)
“Once I was eating a meal somewhere together with about 15 other guys.
The host said something to me about expecting me to say a dvar torah. I said I preferred not to.”
I agree. When a ba’al bayis insists that a guest say a dvar torah and doesn’t take a polite “no” for an answer, he borders on the obnoxious. It is perfectly legitimate to politely decline for whatever reason. Not everyone enjoys public speaking,and not everyone has a “wow” dvar torah prepared for the ba’al habayis who just loves to test these boys.
A pet peeve of my wife is the seminary girl who always “brings a friend” and the two of them sit at the table whispering to each other throughout.
Don’t tell your hosts all the things they are doing wrong. Really, we had a guest once who was more black hat then we are and he spent all of shabbat telling us what we were doing wrong (and did the same to a few of our friends).
You can say to your host “What can I bring?” This way they can tell you what they could use or if a gift isn’t necessary.
And for sure helping clear the table is much appreciated.
One lazy guy from my yeshiva didnt want to have to look up a dvar torah for each week when he was invited out, so he had a gr8 idea. He foung a nice vort on parshas korach and each week he’d drop something small on the floor at the shabbos meal eg a fork and then he’d say “oh good job that didnt happen during the korach story cos then it would have been lost forever!” Then he’d say “oh while we’re talking about korach I’ll tell you a nice vort on korach”.
Once when he dropped something on the floor at one house, the baal habos said “Oh, a vort on korach again?” !!! 🙂
From the corny Shticky Guy;
Lieutenant-Kernel
I just remembered a gr8 story.
A young newly married couple invited a guest over for a shabbos meal. After the fish, the guest said “That was really tasty fish”. “Do you want any more” asked the husband? “Yes please” said the guest.
The wife was mortified cos she hadnt made any extras at all being very newly married. So she kicked her husband under the table. And luckily for her, the guest changed his mind and said that actually he didnt want more cos he wanted to leave room for the rest of the meal.
After the soup, again the guest remarked how good it was and the husband didnt get the hint – he offered more again to the guest. The wife quickly kicked her husband again under the table. The guest said that actually he wont be able to eat the main course if he has too much soup. Again the wife was relieved.
And would you believe it, after the chicken the husband offered the guest more! But he said he was full.
After the meal ended and the guest had left, the wife complained bitterly that she could have been humiliated badly had the guest wanted more food because she hadnt more to give.
“I didnt know that” said the husband.
“But why did you keep offering more?” said the wife. “Didnt you get the hint when I kept kicking you under the table?”
The husband said “What are you talking about? I didnt feel you kick me at all”…
From the corny Shticky Guy;
Lieutenant-Kernel
I heard the first story from an old yid about a maggid in Lita who only had one drasha. It was apparently a very old trick.
1-Call ahead to ask what you can bring and what time to come.
2-Come on time, with what you said you’d bring. Even if they said “nothing” some flowers or a bottle of wine is a good idea.
3-Offer to help (yes, even men.)
4-Compliment them on their kids.
5-Talk to everyone including the children.
I almost hate to say this, but– when someone helps clear the table(non-family member), I’m pretty shocked & oh-so-pleasantly surprised!! 🙂
“: They were eating enough
2: If they had decent table manners
3: Had something insightful to say on either the parsha or just something going on in the world
4: Decent sense of humor
5: Polite in their table manners and their dialouge with other guests. (some of my friends had very different views on life and it could get ugly if not defused)
6: It wasnt imperitive but that they bring something (something practicle rather than ostentatious)
Most importantly!
7: If they called after shabbous and said thank you!! “
I tell all my guests I am not looking in their plates, they can eat as little or as much as they want (taking seconds after everyone else has had a first serving). Decent table manners are important (not worrying about which fork to use, but they should not talk with a full mouth, or grab things across the table). Carry on a conversation at the table, don’t just SIT there. Don’t argue with anyone, though you are allowed to have a differing opinion and express it thoughtfully. Nice if they bring something the first time. If they never EVER do, I will still invite them, but i think it shos poor manners. I would rather have someone after several invitations for Shabbos and Yom Tov, give my husband and me a gift certificate to eat out, than have them spend money on trays of candy that we cannot eat (or even keep in the house because my granddaughter has serious allergies), flowers that die quickly, or wine. But I will still invite these guests, regardless, as long as they are polite, make themselves at home, and add oneg Shabbos to my table. It’s very lovely if someone calls after Shabbos to say thank you (I once got a note from someone during the week, to that effect, and I always used to write TY notes when I was invited for a Shabbos). BUT – it’s more improtant for me to hear the Thank You at the time when they are the guests. I don’t personally need a follow up call.
In all these years, I have only not invited back two people to my home. One acted very offensively to us and made us uncomfortable in our own home, when we were doing a chessed to have him for that meal (he had nowhere to go, and our Rov asked us, because he himself was going to be away for Shabbos), and one other person was a loudmouthed barbarian at my table, and said something that could be deemed somewhat inappropriate to my daughter. Otherwise, I will tolerate almost anything.
My kids’ friends (as relayed to me by my children) always felt welcome amd comfortable in our home, and in fact always looked forward to being invited over. Some of them asked if they could move in. 😉
my husband has a friend who would come over and when i would serve the main food he would literally take 3 pulkas(or more) onto his plate. that was the first round of the main meal. I was like OMG!!! now i only put out half of what i have and hide the rest because i want to make sure that we end up having dome leftovers for the nest day and the week. then hed ask me to make sweet potato pie. YUM! but what would happen he’d eat like half and leave the rest for the rest of the table. i really dont like having him.
Another time we had another one of my husband’s friends. what did he do? he got bored so he brought his book to the table and started reading. he didnt like the conversation that was being held.
Another time I had my friend with her husband and she had said he liked heimish food. OK fine. So i made fish and chicken etc. i bring out the food and he says…”whats in this? is there sugar? i cant have sugar. how did you make this?” all I was thinking was that I’m not having them again. It was so rude.
another time I had a vegetarian. Not doing that again!
One very important rule of being a good (and welcome to return) guest that none of the posters mentioned is, (for a no sleepover guest) to know when it’s time to leave. Some guests don’t know when the host is ready to shift gears. Either to go to sleep or attend a simcha that they have an obligation to go to. I’ve had such a Shabbos and Yom Tov guest. He was very pleasant company, shmoozing and exchanging stories during the meal. After “Bentching” & desert, no amount of hinting would help. I was obligated to show at a Sheva Brochos. I was in a dilemma. So I invited the guest to come along to the SB. Which he declined. But it helped get me out the door.
we used to have alot of older single men come to us, but things got reallyy crazy (even drove my husband to distraction), when they’d start giving us longg lists of what they’d eat (only turkey, only whole wheat challah, etc.) & what they didn’t (no cooking with salt, pepper, sugar, onions, beans, red meat, & the list goes on). for each guest we’d try to accommodate him for awhile (or even years), until it became EXPECTED of us to cook & supply the proper foods, &/or until the lists of do’s & don’t’s became tooo infringing. (btw– these guests never helped @ all, nor ever brought anything… I’m just sayin’)
why’d we continue to have them over for as long as we did? cuz they are/were basically nice men.
the rule in our house is that the first time you come you are a guest, after that pretty much make yourself at home.
a few things to remember:
ask the hostess before clearing off the table- maybe she is not ready for things to be brought in yet
when you DO clear, ask where things go.
if your host family has certain rules (for lack of a better word) in their house, follow those rules- in our house, the rules are if you are male cover your head, no cursing, no male-female touching (unless you are married)
also if your host or hostess asks you to stop a topic of conversation, LISTEN whether you understand the reason or not.
be polite and always say thank you before you leave.
about the hosts children, i dont really care either way if someone says something about my kids. i DO have a problem when someone tries to chase my kids upstairs because he “just wants to give him a hug” (hes not invited back, and his name is not allowed to be mentioned)
if you are sleeping company, dont come out of your room when the men come home from shul. ask the hostess how you can help. before you leave, ask if you should strip the bed. make sure the room is neat, anything you took out should be back in place…..
also, whether eating or sleeping over, always tell your host family if there are any allergies or special diets they should know about. if youre vegetarian, dont show up at someones house on shabbos and epect to be served lots of the things you like unless your host knows about it.
always here,
that’s sooooo rude of them!!
my Rosh Yeshiva’s rebitzen used to like certain people in yeshiva (myself included) because we used to clean serve and clean up
ALWAYS BRING SOMETHING.
Shows appreciation to your host that you appreciate the time they put into cooking and making things nice for you.
Now lets talk about how to be a good host.
For starters, stop being upset about all the things listed in this thread. Really, are you inviting me to do me a favor or do to yourself a favor?
1.Hosts should not yent about their guests after they leave.Period.
2.Let your kids hear you say how NICE it was to have had….over.Period.
popa,
Do you mean that hachnosas orchim should be done as a chessed? What a chiddush!
all in all…I’ve been waiting all my life to have guests and now I’m glad I get to host! it’s so much fun, especialy since now I get to have all the people that used to have me!
Also when your host says not to bring anything then dont. Sometimes they really dont want it. When they say just yourselves bring just yourselves!
eclipse,
I couldn’t agree more!
We have good friends who we have over often, and vice versa. The last time she came she came right in and said “we are so hungry…come on lets get started, we are starving…let’s make kiddush then we’ll talk”. Also we like to sing zemiros so it really bother me when guests take over the table and start singing their own zemiros because they think we dont know how or dont want to sing, because we have not gotten their yet. Don’t get me wrong, I dont mind if they sing, I just prefer they let the host “run the show”.
There is an ART to being a good guest as well as being a good host. Each one in turn should practice to perfection.
anonymrs; With all the rules and sub rules posted, I decided to stay home. Home, sweet home. That’s the best place. Where you find out about the rules post facto. When your wife yells (I mean speaks loud) at you “Why don’t you do this…” Or. “Why do you drag the (coffee) spoon all the way (with you) to the “Fridge” (along with the milk) and back to the sink?!
-drink all the alcohol that they put on the table
-compliment them on their liquor selection
Chayav, it sounds like you live up to your name( but you would never know).
There is an ART to being a good guest as well as being a good host. Each one in turn should practice to perfection.
You are 100% correct.
I think, however, that part of the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim is putting up with the idiosyncrasies of your guests. Many people who are in need of meals (although of course not all) have issues which are the cause of the reason that they need a meal to begin with! The highest level of the mitzvah is to tolerate rude behavior (although not at the expense of your family, as in the guest which Oomis had). Just read All for the Boss!
also, whether eating or sleeping over, always tell your host family if there are any allergies or special diets they should know about. if youre vegetarian, dont show up at someones house on shabbos and epect to be served lots of the things you like unless your host knows about it.
I’ve learned to make sure either my wife or I ask any “new” guests (those we have not had before) if they have dog phobias or allergies. Phobias we can deal with – we’ll put the dog in her crate. Allergies are more difficult, but not necessarily insurmountable. We don’t have to ask about vegetarians, because one of our kids is a veggie, so there’s always plenty to choose from even for the non-meat eaters.
one of our kids is a veggie
Ours too! She’s lettuce (she got a very good head). What’s yours? 🙂
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