Bat Mitzvahs

Most of the time, a Bat-Mitzvah celebration is just for the girl and her friends with Jewish music only. It is usually in some sort of catering hall or shul hall with a kid oriented meal and decorations. Often the grandparents and siblings are invited with a couple of the parents closest friends. If the parents want to celebrate, as well, we often do a kiddush in shul (low key) or a Friday night tea with divrei Torah.

We don’t celebrate Bat mitzvahs. I’m not here to tell others what to do (about bat mitzvas in general) but if you’re asking, I think the above mentioned event is a complete waste of money and sets a bad standard for others.

To attend and complain is bad form.

The Zohar which discusses the seudas bar mitzvah of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai would lechora apply to bas mitzvahs (and, to a lesser extent, tzitzis parties) as well. However, what gets lost is the PURPOSE of the celebration, which is to celebrate the person’s obligation in the Torah, not a “rite of passage”.

Why don’t people make a “bar onshin” party at 20?

yes, dear truthsharer, but that was also a different age. In the last several decades, we have changed the way women are recognized, treated and regarded in society.

There were many things we could not count on in Europe.

When it is more Bar than mitzvah, it is not appropriate for the boys, either. I see no reason why people should not celebrate when either their son or daughter reaches the age of kabalas ol hamitzvos, but not in a showy and garish way of conspicuous consumption.

A boy is no more special than a girl, and it is therefore no less a simcha when a girl reaches Bas-Mitzvah. The difference is that a boy gets an aliyah to the Torah. They are both equally chayav in the mitzvos. If anything, a girl has that distinction a year earlier than a boy. Anyone who goes overboard for either event, is wasting an opportunity, IMO. My father O”H used to say it would be far better to give the money being spent on unnecessary things for the party (such as both a smorgasbord AND a meal, a Viennese Table or flowers), and donate it to tzedaka. The Divrei Torah being given at the simcha, make it special, along with the lebedigkeit.

people have the rite to spend their money how they see fit. (i’m not referring to takanos) you cant tell someone dont spend your money on fancy things give it to tzedakah.

if one think Jews have some “right” to spend their money (after explicit chiuvim are met) as they deem fit, you do not understand from Whom comes that money. you do not understand for Whom you were appointed as treasurer and manager of that money. if you think that money is yours, you have a very crooked concept of the Torah and your existence and purpose in the world.

OK, feivel, so what do you suggest? That we ask a shaila every time we spent a discretionary cent?

The Wolf

and if people start spending less on simchas, who suffers? The musicians, the caterers, the florists, among others. This is a knotty question with far-reaching ramifications.

Should I ask a shaila before spending any cent over and above what is necessary for our basic support?

I am sure there are those who would say “yes.” However, I am not one of them.

There is a machlokes haposkim how one should celebrate Bat Mitzvahs. Swiping from Harav Daniel Neustadt:

Rav Walkin (Zekan aharon 1:6)holds bas mitzvahs are a goyishe custom and should be avoided.Rav Moshe feinstein ( OC 1:104) holds it’s like any other birthday party and is not a seudas mitzvah. The Sridei Eish 3:93 and Rav Avadia yosef (Yabia Omer 2:29) hold it is a seudas mitzvah. However, both The Igros Moshe and the Sridei Eish holds it shouldn’t be celebrated in a shul.

Rav Moshe ZT”l clarifies in OC 2:97 why a girl’s bas mitzvah is treated differently from a bar mitzvah. The boy undergoes a change in his public mitvzah obervance (Tefillin, minyan, etc) and this warrants a public celebration. The girl’s change is in private observance, and this does not warrant a party. I would like to look up these Igros Moshes inside, since the Zohar which is the source for bar mitzvah celebrations would lechora apply to both.

” If you think that particular choice is discretionary you should carefully study the relevant section in Chovos HaLevovos where he demonstrates clearly that nothing is discretionary. this is a basic fundamental of this world and found in many classic Seforim. “

“Tell that to all the people who rent a fancy bungalow every summer, or build a summer home in the mountains. Exactly how many residences DO we need? I am pretty sure many of the husbands have learned what is in the classic seforim, and the many rabbonim who go away every summer are surely familiar with the Chovos Halevovos. hashem gave us a world to enjoy. He did not order us to live like ascetics, and in fact we are held accountable for doing so after 120 years, and are asked why we did not partake of the good life (while following the Torah guidelines). If one is blessed with wealth, no one suggests that the person should not travel, buy nice clothing, etc. It just should not be to excess, and it should always be with the idea that as Hashem did a chessed to make them wealthy, so should they show chessed towards others who are not.

I once heard a very well-off woman complain that she was tired of having to pay full tuition, so that other people could get scholarship assistance, which was parlt subsidized by those paying the big tuition bills. The person she was speaking to answered her, “Maybe that’s the reason Hashem gave you all that money, in the first place. So you would have that zechus.”

a bar mitzva is a seudat mitzvah in reality “truthsharer”

the common misconception of a bar mitzvah party may be incorrect but there is an inyan to have a suedat mitzvah when u become bar mitzvah

“The boy undergoes a change in his public mitvzah obervance (Tefillin, minyan, etc) and this warrants a public celebration. The girl’s change is in private observance, and this does not warrant a party.”

That was extremely interesting and educational. I would propose that a girl also undergoes a public change (though clearly not as obvious as a boy), because she fasts publicly when required by halacha, and though her observance is otherwise mostly indeed private, she is equally responsible to fulfill the mitzvos as the boy is. And though something perhaps may not necessarily warrant a party, it is nonetheless permissible and a nice thing to do for a girl, to mark the occasion. I still believe one should not go overboard, however.

Mazca, I’m trying to remember what I spent on the boys that I didn’t on the girls. Here you go: Tefillin, a kiddush in shul (would have done one in the house if possible), homemade food for the family that came to town for Shabbos (who didn’t for the girls).

We made the same seuda for the girls and their classes that we did for the boys; didn’t do an arts and crafts project for the boys 😉

That’s about it.

(Husband taught the boys how to lain, so no spending there.)