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I have some basic questions about Shidduchim-
1) How do you ask someone to set you up? Or you don’t ask?
2)If a friend sets you up, is it not as good as if a Rabbi/Professional Shadchen sets you up?
3) Who should be involved in the shidduch?
4) If you meet somebody on your own, who you may see a potential future with- how do you approach such a matter?
5) What will be required of me?
I am asking these questions because I was not brought up in a home where Shidduch dating is whats done, however, I don’t see how I will meet the type of person I want to marry any other way. TY.
It depends. Maybe seek out a trusted mentor for guidance.
)1) How do you ask someone to set you up? Or you don’t ask?
Post on their facebook wall. Or on this thread.
2)If a friend sets you up, is it not as good as if a Rabbi/Professional Shadchen sets you up?
Depends if you end up marrying the set-upee
3) Who should be involved in the shidduch?
Both parties.
4) If you meet somebody on your own, who you may see a potential future with- how do you approach such a matter?
From the side, so they can’t see you coming.
5) What will be required of me?
Boy: Car, Money, Job.
Girl: Looks.
I am asking these questions because I was not brought up in a home where Shidduch dating is whats done, however, I don’t see how I will meet the type of person I want to marry any other way. TY.
That is a good reason to ask these questions. I’d recommend joining a few of the yeshivish dating websites, and then going to their events.
1. You don’t ask. You just remind them to think of you.
2. It’s just as good.
3. Someone who has experience dealing with shidduchim.
4. You ask a shadchan or someone with experience to redt it.
5. Be honest. Best way to get happily married.
1) If it’s a professional, you call to set up a meeting.
2) A friend is probably better as far as finding a good match, and worse as far as helping the shidduch proceed to engagement.
3) It doesn’t sound as if your parents will. I highly recommend having a mature, discrete, seichel’dik “mentor” to discuss it with.
4) See Torah613Torah’s answer above.
5) Honesty is good, but at the same time, you do want to put your best foot forward. So, for example, if you smoke, you should say that at some point, but don’t smoke on a date.
Don’t forget to find out what is expected in terms of ‘shadchanus gelt’. Even the amateurs receive a fee.
MRS PLONY, let’s hope it gets to that point soon.
DY, is the reality that amateurs are not being compensated when successful?
Joseph,
Just like the PGA tour or the NCAA. Amateurs are not compensated for their successes.
No way! I had to give my shadchanim a few hundred bucks, and that was almost 20 years ago. >:(
They were just this couple; the husband knew my chosson and the wife knew me, and they introduced us. They were amateurs.
One question to always ask anyone setting you up, is this: “would this person be acceptable to you for your child? Why or why not?”
I know someone whose daughter married someone with a great recommendation from his Rosh Yeshiva. Two years and a child later, the Choson decided he didn’t want to be Frum anymore. While conceivably that could possibly happen in any case, but not here.
When the mother (the father was niftar years earlier) went to the Rosh Yeshiva and said to him, “how could you do this to my daughter,” The Rosh Yeshiva answered, “We thought that if he got married, he would straighten out.”
So this Rosh Yeshiva ruined some lives on the hope that someone would straighten out, knowing that a serious problem existed. Notice that he didn’t set up his own daughter with that guy.
So, don’t forget to ask “would this person be acceptable to you for your child? Why or why not?”
Because their child has a different personality?
Anyone can suggest a match for you. And you can chose anyone you want to be the “go between”. However, keep in mind, that it is better with shadchanim who have the tough experience to carry it through to the end, either way it ends. THey need to have the time, and brains. Because they have to know how to present things, and come back and forth negotiating in a way that always makes you feel like either the deal is too good to turn down, or that you are making a move against your own best interest.
So once the other side says they are interested in you, you must get to work on calling anybody and everybody who knows or knew something about them. You don’t just want to call the references they have offered. YOu want to call the people that they didn’t offer. If you hear from more than 1 person something negative, that scares you, stay scared and don’t look for a life of torture.
If you hear only good things, read between the lines, like a mentalist to the “way ” they offer their information. Then pounce on the word in the sentence that sounds questionable. Weigh things. Ask others who know them.
Make sure you don’t judge a potential shidduch badly just cause he’s a man.
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