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If you’re in a bais aveil and someone you know walks in, is it okay to shake hands and say “shalom Aleichem” (obviously NOT to the aveil)?
It is not done. I’m guessing you’re hoping for response saying its not OK so you can jump down everyone’s throats about it, so go for it. I can’t tell you if its a halacha or just customary, but people do not generally greet each other in any significant way at a funeral or a shiva.
And leave your phone in the car.
It is generally not done, out of respect for the aveil who is NOT greeted with a shalom aleichem. And what Goq said. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “Mission Impossible” suddenly play, while speaking with aveilim. People, YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT THAT YOU NEED TO BE REACHED 24/7.
Yashi & P,
No, it’s not okay.
When I go to pay a shiva call, my focus is on the aveil. If someone whom I knwo walks in, I might nod to that person, but do not engage in conversation, unless it includes the aveil, who has to initiate the conversation anyway.
It depends on the crowd if it’s quiet and you’ll draw attention don’t do it, it’s a sensitivity. That’s when you decide to first think about others and why you are there.
asked because I was sitting with the Aveil and someone came in and the Aveil INTRODUCED us so I offered my hand and said “Shalom Aleichem.” The guy looked at me like I was a gnat and then looked away”
That appalls me. No one should embarrass someone in public (or otherwise). Even during Tisha B’Av,when we are not supposed to greet anyone, if someone DOES greet you unthinkingly, you are permitted to softly respond. And if the Aveil himself introduced you, you take your cues from the Aveil. I myself have slipped up and said, “Nice to meet you,” when thus introduced by an Aveil, to a relative of his who was there at the same time that I was paying a shiva call. It happens, and it is not a crime against humanity when it does.
If it was the aveil who set up the introduction, it is perfectly proper to offer a handshake and sholom aleichem. The aveil will feel comforted by this action, and on the flip side may otherwise feel ignored.
Cherrybim makes an interesting point. The key in any beis aveil R”L is to take our cues from the aveil.
I had someone try setting me up in a beis avel, is that ok?
Y&P sorry I stole your thunder by anticipating your intent. By all means, jump down my throat for that instead 🙂
I’ve seen strange behaviour at Shiva calls. When a friends mother passed away, shadchanim and single women came to check out his father. Another friend was sitting in deceased mother’s house in Far Rockaway. Brokers made Shiva calls and tried to get my friend to hire them. Strangers treated the Shiva as if there was an open house to get an early look at the layout
No. It is not a social event. I once heard someone say, “hey I can’t wait to see you at the beis avel and hang out!” I thought it was strange.
Did he get your vote?
Yashi & P, as you saw from my earlier post, I am very much not in favor of people socializing when they go be menachem avel. But now that you clarified what happened to you, I wanted to add that I find it completely unacceptable to ignore someone offering a handshake. Even if that person was not introduced by the avel himself, which was what happened in your case. Ignoring someone like that is not normal behavior anywhere, including a bais avel. The person in question could have politely and briefly returned your gesture, without getting into a noisy conversation with you in front of the avel. You shouldn’t feel offended. You should feel very sorry for the person. If he behaved that way, he nebach clearly has no functioning brain cells.
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