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I am newly rum, as some of you know. I was raised Reform, and had to undergo giyur le chumra recently because my mother is a Reform convert. I need tips on how I can make the shidduch process work for me.
I am 22, currently training to be an EMT, and completed 3 years of college in psychology. I want to go back to school to pursue my nursing degree, with the goal of becoming a Nurse Anesthetist(CRNA), which will entail graduate study.
Should I wait until I am settled in my career to look into shidduchim? Also, would it help if I learned even part-time in a yeshiva, so chavrusos can serve as references? I think it would make more sense for me to pursue a BT or giyoret anyway, unless the FFB girl had special admiration for someone like me, who chose this lifestyle on his own.
Thank you for your eitzah.
There will be some FFB’s who will be open to meeting you, and some who won’t. A lot depends on how open minded the person and her family are.
It’s always wise to open yourself up to more opportunities. You might also find that you can relate better to a BT or a giyoret. It sounds like you considered yourself Jewish your whole life and only recently found out you were technically not considered Jewish (so you may have more in common with a BT).
Do you have a connection with any rabbis?
I think you should ask someone who knows you well whether they think you are ready to date.
People might feel more secure with the idea of meeting you if they know that you went through a traditional yeshiva, even part time evening learning.
If you are newly frum, it might be wiser to spend some time (full time, if you could) in a yeshiva (aish hatorah, ohr sameach). Even a year would be wonderful. I think there’s an ohr sameach in monsey, so, you could learn by day, and take some credits towards nursing at night.
Here’s some general advice on shidduchim for (young) BTs, speaking from experience.
Hashem will bring you your shidduch whenever it will be. For me it was via someone in shul whose wife was a shadchanit, and their daughter – another shadchanit – knew my wife, who is an (Israeli) BT of the same years as me.
In particular I’d recommend not to think about it too much yet, be a little passive. If something comes up and it’s the right thing, go for it! In particular, my recommendation is not to make many demands up front. The only requirements I had when I started shidduchim was that she should speak (at least some) English in order to be able to communicate with my family, and that she shouldn’t be seriously overweight. Those were my prerequisites – and nothing else. In other words, keep your options open. Don’t start building an exact profile of your ideal dream wife. Things can always change.
Me and my wife have been married for almost 5 years now, and we are both really happy with each other, even though neither of us expected to find anything like the other. Hashem brings people together in ways you cannot possibly predict.
I got married at age 21, after having gradually become frum over a period of years ranging from when I was 15/16 until when I was 19 (when I moved to E”Y and went to yeshiva for some time).
Rebdoniel,
I assume that you learn part time, and that your question is whether you should switch your venue to a yeshiva. If your question was whether or not to start learning part time, the answer would be obvious on its own. Even aside from the mitzvah of talmud Torah, there’s the added “shelo lishma” that any sincere bas Yisroel wants a husband with some level of commitment to learning.
If your question is if locating your seder would be beneficial to your chances of finding a shidduch, my answer would be an unequivocal “yes”. It’s the best type of networking. As long as relocating to a yeshiva wouldn’t be detrimental to your learning, go for it! In most cases, it’s actually quite beneficial to learn in a beis medrash with a “kol Torah”.
If you’re emotionally ready to get married, don’t wait to be settled into a career. I feel the sooner the better.
Much hatzlocha!
First off, much hatzlacha to you in taking this awesome step. I cannot imagine it was easy, especially the undergoing giyur when you already feel you are Jewish to begin with.
I am married to a BT (I am FFB), and from my perspective, I think you would benefit from a couple of years more of being frum under your belt, so to speak, to help your transition. It might be better for you to seek out like-minded Baalot Teshuvah (of some duration, who are established in their frum path), because they are more likely to understand what the journey is like for you, having gone through it themselves. You can then grow together in your religious observance. Yasher koach on seeking out a life of Torah commitment.
but unseriously focus on it before that as well
This is just a personal opinion, but you don’t have to wait for ALL those things to happen before opening yourself up to meeting the right one. If you have a solid enough background in learning (ie:a year, or whatever your rabbanim advise) and a means of Parnassa (EMT) you’re well on your way to dating. Nursing will take you time, and I don’t think you have to put your life on hold for that. I think the same is true for losing weight and acquiring a car. Unless your weight is a major impediment in dating, I wouldn’t let it hold you back.
I second that motion.. pcoz and mommamia
please for your sake and for klal yisrael have a serious rabbi investigate your status acording to real jewish law before starting anything. avoid big and heartbraking proplems reform marigges have coused for their children.
Mommamia, he doesn’t have to wait for ALL those things, but some of them will have to happen before most frum girls would take him seriously as a potential shidduch. I think it is slightly unrealistic to tell someone not to wait, when those things, within a relatively short time, will not be a negative factor in his attaining his desired goals. A frum girl will want to be sure he has not “flipped in and will flip out” of being frum. A frum girl will want to be certain he knows what he wants and is realistic in how he goes about achieving those ends. Msot of all, a frum girl will want to be sure he (and she) knows what he is accepting upon himself. Getting his degree, earning a parnassah, and all the while learning Torah, will show that he is serious.
I agree. I just don’t think he has to be FINISHED with all that to begin dating. I think the most important thing to resolve before dating is making sure your gairus status will be widely accepted. Without that, no upstanding girl (or her family) will consider a shidduch with you. Once that’s clarified, as Oomis said, you need to spend real time (immersed) in a yeshiva. Personally, I’d recommend going to yeshiva in Israel. Aish Hatorah and Ohr Sameach are some of the most amazing yeshivas for Baalei teshuva. They have incredible rabbonim who will be able to help you and guide you. I think a year is probably not sufficient considering your background and being new. Maybe two would be ok (your rabbonim would know, with their experience and wisdom, that’s why it’s so important to go to that environment). They could also serve as references. You don’t need to commit to living in Israel to learn there. I also think if you can’t afford to pay (for yeshiva there) they won’t let that stand in your way. I think most girls would be afraid of a guy who’s not in the fold for long enough and doesn’t have a strong enough background.
My opinion about not needing to wait was related to your concerns about parnasah, weight and having a car, more than anything. I think if you can make enough to survive for a bit on the salary of an EMT while you continue your studies, then that doesn’t have to stop you.
I know I’m in the minority (and I wouldn’t say this if you were a girl) but I think 21 is pretty young and I think you can spare a few years before diving into dating. Get ready first.
You’re very ambitious.
Why do you need semicha?
That’s a lot on your plate together with nursing in a short period of time.
I don’t think you need to plan everything on a time line (just know your general goals and directions), but what about working on compiling your divrei Torah while you’re learning in yeshiva?
You’d have amazing people around you to give you thoughts and ideas about it (and it could really serve to shape your religious perspective. You’d be sharing with rabbonim your Torah thoughts and they can help reinforce, shape and solidify your thinking in a mainstream Torah way.
Once you’re in that environment, have made connections to rabbonim that you admire and who can understand you, you could consult as to what course of action should follow your time in yeshiva (semicha, nursing, dating, etc).
Lakol z’man va-eis. You cannot do everything at once and give each thing the proper attention it deserves. You are young. Learn and get firmly entrenched and ensconced in Torah (Semicha is pretty ambitious for a newly-frum person, it takes years for most guys who are FFB, and it is not necessary at this point in your life when there are so many things you want to accomplish at the same time), get your degree, find the right girl and grow in Torah together. Then, if you still feel the desire and need, go for Semicha. I am not sure about the correspondence program…
Don’t let your anxiety drive your decisions. Let those with the wisdom of life experience and Torah guide you and your choices.
I think, like with your “criteria” list of what kind of girl you’re going to want, you need to prioritize what are musts within yourself before dating vs which are merely preferences. This is not something you need to be or should be doing now.
Step 1) Deal with the Gairus status
Step 2) find a yeshiva you can learn and grow in. Ask the rabbonim after they know you well how long they recommend you stay
Step 3) discuss shidduchim with rabbonim and career goals. Ask them for their advice what they think you need to do to prepare.
I’m sorry to be so verbose, but I guess, in short, I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.
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