Attn: Burnt Steak

Yes why

I am for tonight.

And since I can not respond to my other thread from around a year ago. I will give an update and go off on a big tangent/ say what is on my mind. (Sorry about that. I am tired and should be sleeping.)

That post came during one of the hardest times in my life. I still have struggles as we all do, but I still am religious. I don’t daven as much as I should or even put on tephilin most days. But I value Judaism and still talk with G-d, keep kosher, and do various chessed that keep me connected. I still am convinced 100% that G-d is out there and always puts us in the right situation.

At the time, I was in a bad environment that was fueling those feelings. I was a victim of Domestic abuse. I had an abuse step father that physically abused my mother and emotionally abused my family. He officially had a “Rabbinic” degree from a somewhat prestigious place. He was never in a communal role.

I’m doing much better now. I got help from friends. I left a job that was not a good fit for me. I got in touch with my creative side and learned guitar which helped me express myself in a creative and healthy way. I focused on self care and worked out, slept more, and ate healthier. My Mom finally got a get a few months ago. And I paid off a few student loans, which freed me to move to a different neighborhood, which I will do so in a few months.

However the thing that helped the most was straight from G-d. A lot of times terrible things will happen and we don’t know why it happened. In a way, I got very lucky since the messages I received are very to the point while being gruesome. I will not share the details of what happened, but I was put in a situation where I witnessed something very gruesome and it helped me realize that life is very precious. Once I started to focus on life, it helped me break from the cycle of negativity that I was trapped in. I learned a lot about my self in the following weeks and I know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I have something to live for and I want to channel my actions into something powerfully positive so I can help others in my situation.

I want to create a Jewish community where we do not look at each other as Hassidic or Litvish, Orthdox or Reform/ Conservative, New Yorker or Out Of Towner. Until we stop viewing a different side as the other and start to see each other as fellow Jews, showing compassion and genuine kindness to each other, we will not break this toxic cycle. Those who do not learn history are bound to repeat it. As kids we learn Sefer Bereshis. We learn the values of the Avot, but then we see what Sinas Chinum could do when the brothers sold Yosef. We should probably focus more on those lessons because we are still in exile and Sinas Chinum was the cause.

I appreciate everyone in the coffee room who said such nice things and reminded me of my previous posts. It helped me more than you can imagine.

I don’t know if I will comment again after tonight but I will probably come back to lurk every once in a while.