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it used to be so hard
to get up every day
bad feelings all around
everything was bleak and gray
so much going wrong
bad things in my life
tried to see the good things
but only saw sorrow and strife
each morning another battle
to get up and out of bed
i’m not going to do any good
so might as well stay here instead
i can only do things wrong
incapable of doing right
might as well stay where i am
because getting up’s a futile fight
and then one day it happened
i learned something oh so wise
something that helped me see the world
with a very different pair of eyes
before i thought i should give up
that there was no point to trying
but…
but now i know, now i see
rabba emunasecha
Hashem believes in me
B”H this isn’t about me, but was inspired by am yisrael chai’s post on why i can’t daven…
hey sasson, that’s really excellent! Very good msg. blabla, i know it’s hard but pls pls keep strong, you can do it! you can do it!
Summer, a time for fun.
Lay out in the sun.
Children on the run.
Projects to get done.
Fresh green trees.
Green crisp leaves.
A soft gentle breeze.
Relax with ease.
Birds fly high,
In the crystal blue sky.
A yellow butterfly,
Softly flutters by.
The sky turns gray.
The sun goes away.
Trees begin to sway.
What’s happening? I say.
Thunder, lightning.
Oh how frightening.
My stomach is tightening.
My anxiety is heightening.
Suddenly I am aware,
I am not the only one here.
Hashem’s creations everywhere.
They come out in the rain, to get their share.
Ants in a hurry.
Mice in a scurry.
Bees in a flurry.
All without a care, without a worry.
The darkness passed.
The storm ended at last.
In a world so vast,
Things can happen so fast.
With everyone’s needs filled.
Farmers are thrilled.
Fields are tilled.
Grains are milled.
Trees give praise.
Hashem’s creations, their voices do raise.
Oh Hashem! how wondrous your ways.
Thank you for thees gloomy days.
So what might seem gloomy and blue,
Is actually there to help you.
To pull you through.
Think about it, it’s true.
My eyes are shut,
my shoulders at ease,
grass tickling my face,
hair flowing with the breeze.
The mood’s tranquil,
I’m calm and at peace,
I now can think deeply,
my tension release.
My eyes softly flutter,
they open up wide,
I gaze at the water,
the waves, the tide.
Sparkling, glistening,
flowing in the sun,
I’m ignoring my critic,
I know I have won.
I look upward,
stare into the sky,
watching the birds,
soaring up high.
I see Hashem’s world,
what He’s created,
I appreciate his work,
the things I once hated.
I see Hashem’s here,
He’s hold my hand,
He’s helping me crawl,
making me stand.
Tense, scared,
my muscles are tight,
numb, petrified,
paralyzed with fright.
I stare ahead,
wishing to chill,
but my insides are churning,
I’ve got goals to fulfill.
I want to be happy,
vacation, be free,
yet my hands are tied,
by a strong harsh decree.
I’m longing to run,
to flea from the pain,
escape all the agony,
and joy to retain.
mouth watering for glee,
smiles and cheer,
yet my insides are still,
unprepared, full of fear.
I sit alone,
scared,
unsure,
nobody understands,
nobody cares.
I talk,
I scream,
shout in pain,
my cries,
fruitless,
no point.
Confused,
lost,
so uncertain,
hands tied,
trapped,
in a little tiny corner.
And NOBODY cares.
Nobody understands,
nobody wants to understand,
nobody wants to know,
to them,
I’m nothing.
I am nothing,
I’m dust,
I’m a string of grass,
I’m a piece of invisibility.
A star in the heavens,
a thread in a shirt,
a drip in the water,
a grass in the dirt.
YOU are special,
because you are you,
you are meaningful,
you count too.
I crumb of bread,
brick in the wall,
a spark in the sunshine,
your word says it all.
Shocked, horrified,
astounded,
I can’t believe,
what I’ve heard,
my heart’s bleeding,
my soul’s tearing,
my body’s shaking,
paralyzed,
I can’t move,
I sit here alone,
nobody at my side,
digesting this shock,
shaking,
burning,
so unsure,
surprised and utterly in SHOCK.
A world,
of craziness,
uncertainty,
cruelty and hatred,
people insensitive,
uncaring,
abandoned,
alone and so scared,
craving death,
my escape,
my life,
my way,
relief,
from the burning agony
inside of me.
unsure, uncertain,
bewildered so lost,
alone I stand,
not balancing,
not managing
I’m not strong enough.
Sasson-what a wonderful piece, so well written with a beautiful message to which many can relate.
Thank you so much for taking the inspiration and taking it to the next step.
PrincessEagle- your support & encouragement are very heartwarming. You epitomize here the concept of what bein adam l’chaveiro should like like.
Dave (see, I’m calling you Dave :))- thanks for writing yet another one! With a nice message that what looks bad to us, really isn’t..
blabla-what a bundle of talent you are! And how in your writing you try so hard to get to the positive side! It’s not easy, but we have full confidence in you that you are a survivor & trooper who is taking steady steps forward.
I am wondering what’s so shocking,but please only answer if you are comfortable doin so. I imagine that since you are writing about it that you may wish to discuss it.
Sending smiles your way 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
don’t even ask what happened…disaster world war 3 i dunno….s/t crazy’s going on now. I’m struggling to stay alive seriously! I won’t say publicly cuz anyone will be able to figure out who I am then.
I was never confident to just “write” poems cuz I never really knew what a poem was so i rymed but now i didn’t. That’s what a poem is after all?! okay so now more are gonna come…:) I probably don’t make any sense cuz I’m going crazy right now.
CallmeDave – i like the messages you come up with, you put it down well.
AYC, why, thanks! You’re very good yourself 😉 you always have such nice n positive things to say!
Blabla, you’re words express such depth and emotions. It conveys it so well! i know it’s hard, almost impossible – but it’s NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Hold on tight, it WILL get easier. You’re strong, YOU CAN DO IT! Yes, even in a crazy, cruel and bitter world.
With every last bit of strength,
I grasp,
I pull,
I yank.
With every last bit of courage,
I pursuade,
I continue,
I move inch by inch.
With every last bit of life,
I live,
I do,
I create.
With every last bit of air,
I gasp,
I choke,
I gargle.
With every last bit of vision,
I grope,
I blindly trudge,
yearning to find a treasure.
My broken soul,
my heart is aching,
I’m visibly torn,
my body is shaking.
I’m damaged, I’m rotten,
I’m downright dumb,
they tear me, they rip me,
until I’m finally numb.
There’s nothing to say,
my world has been shattered,
my being is hurting,
bleeding, bruised and battered.
I yearn for some hope,
for a future that’s lost,
nobody seems to realize,
how much their words cost.
I beg, I plea,
I need Hashem’s mercy,
how can He be so cruel?
just no sympathy!
I’m seriously loosing it…I’m just going to overdose any second. I’m totally shattered! HELP HELP HELP!
Hang in there, blabla. I know what it’s like… Please hold on tight! It’ll pass, believe me. You’re a sensitive, caring and good person. Keep strong. Hope things get better – SOON!
NO YOU DON’T know what its like!!! Nobody can! The craziest thing happened today!!!!!!! I wish i can email you privately so that I don’t have to announce myself to the world…sorry just really need to vent. 🙁
Okay then… I guess I don’t understand. But Hashem’s our Father, and He definitely understands your pain. Why don’t you write a letter to Him? I know it sounds crazy, but I did it when I felt no one understood. Write to Him how frustrated you are. Tell Him how upset and confused you are. Ask Him why He’s doing this. Just get it out of you. Good luck!
yeah I did that a long time ago and now I’m mad at him if he even exhists. I can’t believe he did this to me. I’m just having a really rough day today. But it helps to hear it again from you :] dunno what to say anymore. 🙁 k now for hashem HEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!
It sounds like you’re really lost. Why don’t you talk to a friend, mentor or anyone who cares with whom you can share your terrible “incident” (for lack of a better word)?
I don’t see why you can’t write another letter to Hashem. Write how absolutely mad you are. But please look for a solution to solve your problem. Meanwhile, I’ll daven for you. Hatzlacha.
blaba, I’m sorry to hear your’e feeling this way. You must have gone through something terrible. Just know that there are people here who would love to help you, and some of us have gone through quite a lot ourselves. We will listen , and we will care.
The sickly child lay in bed
His breath was a hoarse rasp
His worried parent felt his head
So hot it made him gasp
They never had an easy time
The mishpacha was quite poor
But though they scrimped for every dime
Between the next world and this one
The gravely ill boy hovered
A new name was added to their son
To keep if he recovered
For days on end the battle raged
The thread of life grew slender
The boy recovered and lived long
Keep your emuna going strong
Was a big part of my life
Though he was never introduced to me
Although life can often be tough
Each neshoma is a gem
Wow, ICOT. How inspiring. Thanks.
Thanks AmYisroelChai and PrincessEagle for your words of encouragement. They show that you recognize that someone took the time to write them and to show them appreciation.
Blabla, I hope that you will be able to navigate these stormy days. And I hope that Hashem gives you the strength to pull through.
Although it is dark now, with Hashems help the light is not to far away.
Don’t give up! Hashem is there even though it might not seem like it.
(I hope my words are not offensive. If they are please forgive)
Drowning in a sea,
Of dark misery.
Does anyone see?
Can anybody help me?
The waves are strong.
What did I do wrong?
The water is churning.
For relief I am yearning.
My soul is badly burning.
Life for the worse is turning.
Despite the blackness.
Through my sadness.
In spite of this madness.
I hope to find a bit of inner gladness.
In the darkness I grope,
To find something I hope.
A lifeline, a rope.
Anything, just to help me cope.
In a dusty little nook.
I find a worn out book.
I open it to have a better look.
My breath away it took.
The first page I read:
To any one in need,
Salvation is bound to come with speed.
As these words sank in,
The damn of my soul burst within.
All the barriers wore thin
Tears flowing, my head in a spin
Softly they roll
The pain, the hurt has taken its toll
Breaking free of this dark hole
I can feel myself getting whole
As the prayers soar up high.
Hashem listens to your anguished cry.
His angels he sends your tears to dry.
The more I pray,
The less my heart does weigh.
The easier the way.
The brighter my day.
As I end my supplication.
My soul refreshed, renewed with determination.
I notice, the fierce black sea backed down in resignation.
In the distance I can see my destination.
In reality G-d is very close to you.
Pour your heart out with prayers a few.
They will surely be answered, though it might take a moment or two.
A beacon of light,
In the dark of night.
I hold on to it tight.
My Tehillim I will always keep in sight.
I Can Only Try – WOW!! That’s really something!
Observanteen, glad to see ya back here 😉 you put it well and you speak such sense.
Blabla, i’m so sorry for your pain. i can only hope and pray that G-d will show you a light right away. Don’t do anything dangerous, pls pls pls. I know it’s hard but you’re strong and you can do it.
CallmeDave – like usual, you’ve written a wonderful piece! i esp like how all 4 lines rhyme – keep it up!
Thanks Princess:) I always loved poetry and never really left this thread – I always had to check out the new ones:)
I don’t really have the time to write although I do from time to time when I’m overflowing with emotions. How ’bout you? Haven’t seen you writing in here for some time…
CallMeDave: Amazing. I love the rhyming. Powerful.
Yes, observanteen, thanks! i love poetry too but i don’t really feel so comfortable to post it so publicly here. i like to write and i do alot, but sometimes it’s hard when there’s lots of turning emotions.. When you say “here” you mean on this thread or in general “here” as cr?
I don’t get you all-you don’t know me (or I sure hope so!) so why are you being so nice to me?!?! I’m soooooo weird. I spoke to people and everyone’s a little shocked at what happened so no comfort. Called my therapist twice so far and spoke to her yesterday! And I’m just being a toy that’s moved around. Everyone’s “playing” with me 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 HHHEEEELLLPPPP
BTW my friend writes a lot of amazing poetry I wish she would post here!
These are the lyrics for a song I composed:
Even in the darkest days, there’s still a ray of light
When your world is crashing down, hope is still in sight
Surrounded by all evil, walls are caving in
Say and think “It’s for the best” and battles you will win
Lift up your head and let it be
Seek out the good from your misery
When all is blind, you still can see
There’s a master plan
Why do you suffer when you don’t think you should?
You need to realize that it is for your good
Then all the painful things that haunt you in your head
Will turn around and become peaceful things instead
Yeah, I meant this thread. I know what you mean about having a hard time writing when there’s a whole lot of emotions twirling around… Hope they’re joyous and happy emotions! At first, I didn’t either feel comfortable sharing my writing with people I don’t know, but being that I feel even MORE uncomfortable sharing it with people I DO know, I decided to put up my writing. So far, I didn’t regret it. Hope you change your mind!
blabla: Since I haven’t a clue as to what happened, all we can give you is support. But I think you should try getting guidance. Ask for help. I don’t just mean going to your therapist. Ask someone you truly trust what you should DO. Take action. Sitting over it makes you feel worse and makes the situation even more painful and helpless. I really hope things will get better. Please do let us know. I’ll continue davening for you.
Middle: Unbelievable. So encouraging! I wish I knew the tune… Thanks for posting this!
MiddlePath, this is so good, i’d love to hear it with the music .. ok after the 9 days are over.
Blabla – kol yisroel areivim, we’re in this together. Beside, you write so well that your pain and desperation is conveyed so clearly that’s it’d be very hard NOT to feel along with you, in some way. i’m so so sorry for your pain. Just hold on a little longer.. a little tighter.. we are all here for ya and rooting for ya, and G-d is too. Maybe after a while the shock will “wear off” a little and you’ll be able to deal with it better / get help for it.
Observantteen, i hear the point! If it’s something very personal i’m more comfortable to share with people i don’t know, but then again, it usually stays right here with me. Posting on here is also a prob bc once it’s up you can’t delete it… i don’t think i’ve posted any writings on here (yet?)..
It’s difficult though not to be able to express yourself in the one way you can bc the feelings are so many and confusing!
observanteen-
PrincessEagle-
Thank you.
There are several really well written poems, which makes this a nice thread.
The kindness and consideration shown make this an ultra-nice thread.
So I got over the shock basically, just trying to bear the fresh pain.
Smashed, pierced,
the words are ringing,
fresh, intense,
the pain is stinging.
Rejected, unwanted,
no place to go,
nobody cares about me,
I KNOW SO!
Abandoned and lost,
PLEASE let me die!!!
I can’t continue living,
just to ball, wail, cry
Please have pity Hashem,
where are you? don’t disappear,
I need You SOOO badly now,
in the depths of my despair.
I’m begging You please,
have some mercy on me,
I can’t stand this insanity,
PLEASE here my plea!!!!
Nothing more can happen,
what more can go wrong?
I just want some freedom,
full of joy and song
Can that happen?
can that be true?
will it come?
otherwise I’ll sue!
HELP! HELP!
I cry in disbelief,
I wail, I ball,
what a rabbi, what a chief.
He’s supposedly so great,
so awesome, so amazing,
what happened to his middos?
suddenly no praising?!
i’ve learned not to trust,
not believe in a soul,
its not worth it in the end,
I’ve had to pay a toll.
I trusted in a “rav”,
someone to listen to,
but in the end its false,
he’s horrible, deceiving you!
blabla, I’m really off to bed now, but I had to respond to your poem. Firstly, it’s beautifully written (as are the others you wrote). Second, please remember that Hashem has NEVER and never will abandon you c”v. You’re his precious daughter who for some reason which we cannot fathom has to go through some hardship. Third, please get yourself the right tools to deal with the pain and your struggles. Listen to CDs that are comforting, empowering and soothing (I think you can get a heter to listen to music if it calms you). I listen to Lucinda Bassett director of the Midwest Center for attacking anxiety and depression whenever I’m stressed out or experiencing anxiety symptoms. (I will listen to them tonight since I had a small incident which made me really edgy. Thanks to her, I have the right tools to deal with everyday challenges.)
And last but not least, please do continue trusting people! Don’t follow everyone blindly, of course, but BELIEVE IN HUMANITY. Most people are nice and caring – just look at the comments above! Just because one rav betrayed you (not that I know what the matter is, so I can’t really judge) doesn’t mean you can’t trust ANYONE.
Good night, hope sleep will calm you somewhat…:) Hatzlacha rabba meod! Layla Tov.
blabla
You’re experiencing the pain of major betrayal
That is clear from your poignant portrayal
You confided in someone you thought you could trust
But his response to your plight seems terribly unjust
Perhaps you can find another mentor
Someone who will not become your tormentor
And please don’t torment yourself as well
For that induces depression which is hard to dispel
You write that no one cares about you
If you read some posts, you’ll see that’s not true
SO for this ONE person who did you wrong
There are many posters here who support you all along
Blabla
Thought immediately of you when Ms Critique wrote on another thread that you should only eat food and not yourself…ever!
WOW! You guys are awesome. First, 2 ravs betrayed me. At least one of them I know everyone listens to and gets “psychologized” by him. I’m DIEING for music now. I need it so so so so so badly!!!! I can’t really call anyone for a heter now so we’ll c what I’ll do. I just sat staring at my meds and almost overdosed but decided I can’t now cuz I first have to shower and get clean. After that we’ll c. I binged and I can’t handle how fat I must be! Also, observanteen-is there a way we can get in touch? MODS? They didn’t listen to my request about minyan gal. Mayb they like you better?! LOL no really minyan gal I don’t know what this is all about. Okay I’m also off to bed before I eat any more. Just cuz I think if you had anxiety … but only if you want to. I’m probably typing backwards right now…just too tired from such a long, painful day. Talk to you all tomorrow…maybe if I’m still alive. Thanks for your MUCH NEEDED!! support! Lifesavers! 🙂
blabla:
I am almost certain you would be allowed to listen to music now to cheer you up. I would do it, go for it.
Yeah? K I’m trusting you guys here (you seem more trustworthy than rabbanim ;(]
I thought you might want that edited. I think it is amazing that you are still go on. You are a very special person, and I mean that. -95
What do you listen to when you’re down?
blaba, I’m no Rav, but I think you would be allowed to listen to anything that would get you out of your current state of mind, and make you happier.
About my poem, which are lyrics to a song I wrote- The song is pretty much straight up Heavy Metal, with a bit of Classical influence. I’m not sure if you guys would really enjoy it. And I’m also not sure how I would get it to you so you can listen to it.
This is not your fault. You are a good person, and you are trying your best, and Hashem understands that.
Everyone goes through rough patches sometimes, but some of us have it much worse than others. That just means that the way Hashem measures our performance is on a different scale.
You are a good person. This is your struggle. You are only accountable for what you can do, and you are doing your best.
Have a good night. I hope you feel better in the morning.
Wow. Its crazy how serious I was last night. Thanks so so so much mod!
blabla: Glad to hear you calmed down. Although I truly care and daven for you (had you in mind while davening shacharis), I’m all of 18 years old. I’m not a certified therapist who deals with issues like yours. B”H, I’m stable, but I still struggle a bit with the remnants of my anxiety.
Fortunately, there are many, many good therapists out there who do know how to deal with this. All I can offer is chizuk, advice based on my experience, encouragement and compliment on your beautiful poems:)
What I WOULD suggest though is that you order the Program for Attacking Anxiety and Depression. It isn’t that expensive ($800) and it really really helps you get out of the depression – but you have to be willing to make a lot of changes and work real hard. If the CDs in itself don’t help, they can provide a coach. I can give you more info if you’re interested. Meanwhile, keep posting and keep strong!
Blabla, how are you doing today?
Observantteen, i have to thank you for the idea you mentioned to blabla – more like a reminder – to write a letter to G-d. i tried it and bH he let me express myself after a while… so thanks for the idea!
Princess: You’re very welcome. Glad it helped you!
blabla: How’s it going? Hope things are better by now. Still davening for you!
pains me to remember
the pain of the girl
the aloneness
of the girl
that nobody saw
pains me to hear
now in my head
the mind of the girl
as she looked
around her
at the world
at her world
nobody saw
pains me to see
can’t do no more for the girl
who saw everything
yet was not seen
just caught between
never quite
here or there
like a solid ghost
nobody saw
she saw
endless
pain
Oh my…hopefully gonna get settled in the next few days. Things are worse than crazy now 🙁
observanteen-can you please give me more info? Thanks a lot!
Thanks for responding. I was beginning to get a bit worried… I really hope things will get better for you.
Here’s the info: It’s called The Midwest Center for
Stress & Anxiety. The founder is Lucinda Bassett and the Medical Director and co-founder is Phillip H. Fisher. The cost isn’t $800 (my mistake), it’s around $300-$400. You can visit them at http://www.stresscenter.com, or phone them at 1-800-944-9460. IIRC, there’s a return policy if you aren’t satisfied.
Good luck. Hope things will work out for you. Please let me know if there’s any change and if you ordered the program. Thanks! Hatzlacha Rabba MEOD!!
Thanks a ton. I’ll check it out! There was a good reason to worry. I wasn’t doing well and sorta still am not. Still considering suicide seriously.
trembling, shaking,
my distress on a height,
tears threatening to spill,
release tension, reveal plight.
Lost, scared,
alone in this place,
things happening too fast,
I can’t handle this pace.
I need to breath,
to cry it all out,
to investigate and discover,
what this is all about.
Hashem I’m telling you,
I officially give up!
can’t handle this life anymore,
I finally went PLOP!!!!!!!!!!!! HHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
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