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June 18, 2012 5:24 am at 5:24 am #1168359🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
SaysMe: Thanks. Not only did you not say anything wrong but you are very right. I tried to write a poem about my other source of pain but it didn’t work. It starts off in one rhythm and goes to another and ends as a narrative. I could NOT bring myself to feel my words so they are choppy. It is not even a sad topic and yet it leaves me so hurt. I am entering a new phase of having 5 teenagers in my house and my role has changed drastically. It is a transition of phases and it is FINE. But I am struggling with being THRILLED that my boys are growing, and being devastated that they don’t “need me” like they used to. I am printing it anyway cuz nobody here will laugh at me 🙂 Take the message, even though I cannot get it to come out right. It’s a topic I haven’t seen before and many of you can probably relate from the “other side”
Holding them near while letting them go
Totally dependent they start out their lives,
Looking to you for their every need.
Holding them in your arms for months as they learn to survive in the world around them.
They toddle away, but never too far,
Back to your arms when they tire or they thirst.
They know they are safe and they know they are loved and they love to be close to your heart.
They sit on your lap, they lay in your bed, they roam but they always come back.
Spending year after year with a boy in my arms.
Holding onto me tight as I went through my day.
Then they grew tall and broad as they entered their teens
Thank Gd I am no longer the center of their universe, the answer to their problems or their source of food.
They have friends, they have the car, they have each other.
They have me, too, when they need me.
They call and they share and they listen and talk.
They ask me questions and they share their dilemmas
And when they are quiet and their sentences are short the rejection runs cold thru my veins.
The maturing and independence that I davened for leaves me empty and sad.
Though we remain very close, and they are baffled by my misperception of their distance
I miss them. Though they are right here.
Closer than they ever were. But my need to give, pulls me to want to be needed.
My misconception that not being needed means not being loved.
My poor self confidence wants them to want me, to depend on me.
But they are here, and they are mine, and my struggles are not their thoughts.
And I fight not to make it their burden, for they would not understand. I am their mother. And they love me. And one day, when they are men, and their babies are in their arms, they will hug me again. And I will wonder why I ever doubted them.
June 19, 2012 12:32 am at 12:32 am #1168360Luna LovegoodParticipantThe familiar sounds of the waves
Lapping against the shore
Soothes my heart and soul
Til my troubles are no more
Basking in the sun
As it washes time away
It’s here,always here
That my heart will stay
Diving into the ocean
And riding on the waves
Wrestling in the water
Playing the day away
This is where I renew
My body soul and mind
It’ll cause my heart to break
To leave this place behind
June 19, 2012 5:02 am at 5:02 am #1168361SaysMeMembernot only sad topics are painful. i’msurprised you havent heard this topic discussed though,because i have many times. i just read an article from aish last week called Raising Teenage Daughters- check it out.
this is all going to be subjective, but its all the opinion i can have.
“They call and they share and they listen and talk.
They ask me questions and they share their dilemmas”- if you have this, you are lucky and your kids are luckier. Many teens, in their desire and need to learn independance, lose their relationship. Treasure what you have and try to hold on to that connection you have!
its hard to want independance and yet fear it, want to let go of the apron strings and yet know the risks that come with it. its a difficult balance and very stressful and nervewracking, and hormones dont help. i dont think any teen enjoys the tension, the arguments, the ‘coldness’ and yet, i wonder if it may be neccesary to grow independant. the conflict of wanting your children to let go and yet come back is an internal conflict they also struggle with.
their quiet and nonresponsiveness are often not rejection, but uncertainty. not knowing themselves, what they want, wanting to talk and not wanting the dependance of needing to. the blinding emotions that yell that you cant or dont understand. its a tough time. what they want most is your love and care, even when they say they dont. especially then.
your feeling that not being needed means not being loved is one i can strongly relate to, because thats exactly what i was (and am) strugglign with my newly married friends. we both needed the other, but then… she doesnt need me anymore, tho i stil need her and even more, i want her to need me! too emotional right now to elaborate on that.
you miss your children. and they miss you. they miss the relationship of past, but they strive in hopes of reaching a new higher plateau in your relationship, even if it means a hard, painful climb. and maybe keeping that plateau in your mind’s eye can help too? once they reach that, once they are past this stage of struggle, they will be able to look back and see what you endured, and then appreciate and need you even more, and their love for you will grow. and its why it is so important to try all you can to keep a warm, loving relationship open to them, so they always see and feel your love and care, not just know it. sorry, end rant.
i absolutely love your last paragraph . it just shows that you get it all. knowing it doesnt make it any easier or less painful, but its the most important part. i wish there was a way to lessen the struggles and pain that are inevitable, but i have no answers. i dont think it’d be a bad idea to have an open, honest talk abt how you both feel, when you are both not on defense, and both open and willing. it’d bring clarity to both sides and can only help, no? wishing you an easy time through this difficult and painful time!
luna- that was beautiful! the peace and calm radiate out of your words in a tangible way! thank you for sharing the calm! i am so happy you have a place to refresh and renew and i hope you are really there, recharging, and creating fresh memories to call up in harder times. its always hard to come back from a high, a happy calm, to ‘real life’ and its challenges, but i hope it will help you come back stronger and energized to face them with a new strength.
June 19, 2012 2:19 pm at 2:19 pm #1168362MiddlePathParticipantThank you so much, SaysMe. And thanks for putting so much into this thread. Things are still the same for me in regard to that issue, but another opportunity just opened up for me, as I knew something would. I just had to be patient and put my faith in G-d. Hopefully the first issue will be resolved as well, but even if not, I know that G-d has a plan for me and I will move on with that in mind.
Syag, I’m so glad you’re back in this thread, you offer so much here. Your poem about your boys growing up is beautifully written and portrays your emotions so well. Your fears and worries come from a good place and it is a testimony to just how wonderful of a mother you are to them. Every phase in a child’s life presents different challenges, and as long as we do what we can and have the faith that G-d will help us through it, that is exactly what’ll happen. Wishing you strength in these stages of life, as well as for your son’s bar mitzvah. If you need anything, you know what to do.
Luna, beautiful! I agree with SaysMe, the image you created is one of palpable tranquility, and I hope that you can maintain that wonderful state of being for a long time coming, even through whatever challenges you may face along the way.
kapusta, NOMTW, blabla, ICOT, hope you’re all ok.
June 20, 2012 12:01 am at 12:01 am #1168363SaysMeMemberoh right! palpable! thats the word i couldnt think of 🙂
June 20, 2012 12:05 am at 12:05 am #1168364SaysMeMembersorry all for the too long posts that dont even have spaces between paragraphs to ease readability. and they’re not poems either :-/. ooops. have to get one of those up soon.
MP- B”H! and i hope it all goes smoothly and well with both! keep up that attitude, as i know u will!
June 20, 2012 12:23 am at 12:23 am #1168365MiddlePathParticipantSaysMe, don’t be sorry, they were great to read! And thanks! I will try.
June 20, 2012 5:42 am at 5:42 am #1168366blablaParticipantI’m nervous, I’m scared,
fear and trepidation,
I just hope I survive,
last through the duration.
I’m off to camp alone,
on nobody to depend,
I must fend for myself,
try not to apprehend.
Will I be myself?
Will I act tip top?
will camp be a success?
or chas veshalom flop?!
Hashem I turn to you,
I know you’ll come along,
only then I’ll know I’m fine,
Somewhere I’ll belong
June 20, 2012 7:27 am at 7:27 am #1168367kapustaParticipantSyag- That was very nicely done and so heartfelt. I love the way you close the poem on an uplifting note. One thing; you write “My poor self confidence wants them to want me, to depend on me”. I’m not so sure its a confidence thing. Everyone likes to be appreciated, and everyone wants to feel needed and I’m sure a parent feels it even more. Regardless of confidence level. Hatzlacha with everything.
Luna- A mashal I once heard: Someone is walking in a thunderstorm and trying to find his way. Its completely dark as the storm had knocked out the power. Every time theres a flash of lightening, he uses it to see where he is and where hes going. The nimshal I heard was to use the “flashes” of inspiration to keep going in the right direction and keep growing but a second thing can be to use the light to make the darker parts easier. That said, I’m not suggesting going for walks in thunder and lightening. ? (Wow, that was deeeep!)
SM, +1 🙂
MP, I’m doing well B”H, thanks for asking.
PE, you still around?
June 20, 2012 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #1168368MiddlePathParticipantblabla, thanks for communicating your feelings to us in that lovely poem. Wishing you much happiness and success in camp, and I hope you have a wonderful time!
kapusta, I’m glad to hear that.
June 22, 2012 3:01 am at 3:01 am #1168369🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantkapusta – Thanks! I think the problem is less about wanting them to want me and more about wanting them to need me. They are really wonderful though and I have gotten LOTS of chizuk since that poem was written [each friend I show it to offers more :)]
blabla – I wish I knew how to reach you, I’d send you a care package! Enjoy if you can, we’re rooting for you.
June 22, 2012 4:35 am at 4:35 am #1168370🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantSaysMe (was rushing before so I left this out)- Your comments are so right. I can’t believe you are that same person who was flailing so badly not too long ago. You seem to have all the right words and understanding and that means that eventually you will learn to pull it out for yourself one day. I remember when my best, best friend got married and I felt like she really deserted me. I wrote a poem but can’t find it. I keep looking though cuz I wonder if it would give any chizuk to you. How is that relationship going? You really sound great. You young ‘uns are so impressive, if only I was as in touch at your age. I was 19 when my sister died (which was only a month from this friends wedding) and that’s when I really developed a close bond with Hashem. I know I was a deep thinker but can’t remember if it was productive or not.
June 22, 2012 5:24 am at 5:24 am #1168371SaysMeMemberSyag Lchochma- thanks so much for ur kind words! its really encouraging to hear that i sound like i’m getting somewhere! Esp since someone inreal life this week didnt think so :-/. i do feel like i’m getting places tho, with some parallel falls…
that relationship is still going, but sad to see it dwindling more of late :(. we do speak maybe once a week or twice in 3 weeks? but she’s moving next week, and then???? then i guess we’ll see :(. not excited but thats life, no?
wow, talk abt a double hit. i can’t even imagine standing through such pain :'(. You are obviously a very strong person with a real, deep kesher to Hashem. And i’m so so glad to have ‘met’ such an inspiring person and amazing mother too! You are clearly a really special woman, and one in touch with her real role in life. Yasher kochacha!
And thanks for the compliment, i’m truly flattered. and undeserving! but i hope you are right abt pulling m/s out. not quite there yet! but i do think that struggles and pain clearly give a sensitivity to ppl.
June 24, 2012 6:30 am at 6:30 am #1168372Too CoolMemberTTO: Someday we will all be together
they learnt in a bright frigid cardboard (box)
together just 17 senior girls
when in walked Mrs.
and led one girl awaythe flame of seminary was lit on that day
so many places, so many choices
the decision has to be made so very fast
so soon we start applying
the pressure begins
especially once they say “I am in”
Chorus
some day we will all be excepted
some day we will all be in a sem dorm
never will we have to be anxious or be scared
for we will be our living up our sem year
classmates and friends won’t be there to greet us
only strangers and the staff will stand by and smile
we will make some new friends there once again
in Yerushalaim bezras Hashem
we beg every day when we daven
we ask Hashem to please get us in to sem
He knows where to place us
He always does, we learnt
I have emuna and so should you
that Hashem will place us, eventually
it won’t take to much longer, you know why
so together we are all gonna party, together we are all gonna sing
we’re gonna say “thank you Hashem for rejecting me- oops I mean for everything”
Chorus
some day we will all be excepted
some day we will all be in a sem dorm
never will we have to be anxious or be scared
for we will be our living up our sem year
classmates and friends won’t be there to greet us
only strangers and the staff will stand by and smile
we will make some new friends there once again
in Yerushalaim bezras Hashem
June 27, 2012 5:06 am at 5:06 am #1168373SaysMeMemberHello all! time for a bump!
Hope everyones doing well. its been quiet…. but i’m hoping no news is good news in this case!
Syag Lchochma-back in hiding, so just a wave! i hope you’re doing ok and things are only getting easier. thinking of you!
PE- its been a while so hoping u’ll pop in soon! hi!!!
MP- hope those things and everything are going uphill
luna- hoping that beautiful scene is still with you!
NOMTW, kapusta, blabla- (wave!)
how is everyone doing??
June 27, 2012 5:23 am at 5:23 am #1168374Think firstMemberHello says me, bump is right I miss the days when I was posting here I really enjoyed it. Well I hope youre doing alright,
MP- keep the music coming along, I listened to some more of your music on souncloud you’ve for nice stuff
Pe- I guess you busy in the real world like I’ve been, good luck
I hope to be able to post some poems again soon
June 27, 2012 5:27 am at 5:27 am #1168375SaysMeMemberi knew i was gonna miss names. Sorry think first! hope you’re doign well!!
June 27, 2012 5:32 am at 5:32 am #1168376🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantGosh you sound great! Much of my silence (though I DO strive for silence sometimes) at this time is due to being off of work for the summer which means a) I don’t have an open computer throughout my day b) my kids are home and I try not to be online even if I can, and c) since the kids having nothing much to do all day, I don’t often find the computer free :}
At this moment though, I am posting a lot because I am SUPPOSED to be writing a bar mitzvah speech and nothing gets me online faster than having something ELSE that’s much more important to do!!
I don’t usually call out to anyone who isn’t posting, just incase they are working on abstaining, but I do think of you all and hope life is starting to look more transparent. If you keep focused I find that the smoke screen slowly disappears. I can even anticipate some of the hard knocks I get before they come because I know my weaknesses and when I see myself tripping over them I always expect a shove from behind just to up the ante. And if I pass . . . well I feel even prouder than ever!!!!
It’s there for the asking – but I do NOT mean to imply it comes without blood, sweat and tears as they say. Just don’t forget to want it while yo are bleeding, sweating and crying 😉
June 28, 2012 4:49 am at 4:49 am #1168377SaysMeMemberSyag- sry, didnt mean to call u to post- thats y i just waved silently! thanks for sharing that message. veryyyy much appreciated, and has got me thinking. so glad you are coming out proud and victorious!
June 28, 2012 4:49 am at 4:49 am #1168378SaysMeMembermusic is a pathway
an entrance to my heart
it holds a key to reach inside
when i feel falling apart
music holds the code
to opening locked doors
emotions flood out, eyes aglow
awakened, spirit soars
whether i’m filled with sadness
or fears keep me awake
the music calms me, warms my soul
direction i can take
and when i’m full of joy
and smiles light my face
the music helps to elevate
with its upbeat pace
the music touches deep
its tune can touch my heart
the tears that so long have been stemmed
now break the walls apart
the words, if you will listen
can pierce you and hit hard
and tefilla pours like waters forth
as i let down my guard
and whether its in thankfulness
or begging ad mosai
i know my words will rise up high
Hashem will hear my cry
so when i’m cold and broken
or feeling numb and dulled
i turn to hartzige music
the void soon will be full
i’ll focus on the lyrics
let the melody inside
let it connect me once again
for i don’t want to hide
and as i turn my face
to my Father up above
i feel assured He’s holding me
I’m enveloped in His love
June 28, 2012 5:53 am at 5:53 am #1168379🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantGreat poem! I feel the same way about songs. That was why I stopped listening to secular music, I found myself very influenced by songs and their words/stories. For me, it wasn’t always a good thing 🙁 But I think it helped 🙂
June 28, 2012 6:38 am at 6:38 am #1168380kapustaParticipantA “good” day just got “better” after reading a horrible comment on a different thread. 🙁
SM, the poem was great! 🙂
Syag, I hope I’m not encouraging something you’re trying to stop but its nice to see you around.
July 12, 2012 2:21 am at 2:21 am #1168381Doodle-Man™MemberHello? I can’t believe there hasnt been a post here for 1 whole week.
I’ll post a poem I made up.
I Lost My Dictionary
by moskidoodle
I lost my dictionary
I don’t know where it did go
The word vague is now vague to me
The word know I do not know
I lost my dictionary
Now words I do not know
Speaking of words’what does that word mean
My words can no longer flow
July 12, 2012 3:04 am at 3:04 am #1168382Song of BlessingParticipantHahahah off the top of my head… just for fun…
I was sitting in the garden
Drinking some tea
When someone
Came up to me
“Hi” they said
“Whats your name
And why are you sitting
Are you insane?
There’s so much to do
Before its too late
How can you sit
Watching the gate
The clock is ticking
The time is near
Get up and work
And have no fear!”
I look up at them
With my big green eyes
And wonder why
In great surprise
Do they think that sitting
In a garden is lazy
I started to feel
Kind of Shaky
“Now look here you”
I said pretty strongly
“Dont tell me what to do
You put it all wrongly
I’m not just sitting
And wasting time
I’m making sure that I
Will feel just fine
I know there is
So much to do
But I’m not just sitting
Staring at my shoe
I’m relaxing you see
And I think thats ok
So maybe you should go
And have a nice day”
-SB 😀
July 17, 2012 2:51 am at 2:51 am #1168383bygirl93MemberI feel as though I’m drowning,
lost in a pool of confusion,
grasping the friendship,
pulling it up,
salvaging it,
lost; left out; despair,
every call I make,
calling out,
Help me! See me! Save me!
July 17, 2012 2:52 am at 2:52 am #1168384bygirl93MemberFriendship; connection,
lost and found,
strong as ever; never sever,
a bond; forever,
distance; makes it stronger,
meet; as though no time has past,
Time has come; Time has gone,
Time to start anew,
renew old; start afresh,
bond together,
our friendship will always stand!
July 17, 2012 2:52 am at 2:52 am #1168385bygirl93MemberFamily is there through thick and thin,
No matter what no matter when,
I love you so much,
More than you know,
Sometimes we yell,
sometimes we fight,
the sorry resonates through my heart,
the deep regret pounding as my heart thumps.
Those 2 little words to be uttered,
Beyond truth, beyond meaning
Beyond right, beyond wrong,
I AM SORRY!!!!!!!!!
July 17, 2012 2:53 am at 2:53 am #1168386bygirl93MemberThis was written at least 4 years ago, just found it.
A TRUE FRIEND:
A friend is,
Someone who care.
A friend is,
Someone who shares.
A friend can be,
Someone who knows.
A friend can be,
Someone who grows.
A friend,
Helps you with a rhyme.
To your friends always be true.
Because, TRUE FRIENDS are far and few.
July 17, 2012 2:54 am at 2:54 am #1168387bygirl93MemberWritten in Junior High:
A group of girls; all together as one,
Oh great! Oh no! My life is done!
One in the center with the rest all around,
Who is that girl, they all surround?
That is the most popular girl in school,
She thinks she is very cool.
She is the QUEEN; Bee, some might add,
She starts and ends every fad.
Out of their ponies a single hair does not fall.
They are all too perfect; too superlative you might say,
They were not created that way.
Oh for goodness sake!
These girls will never be your friend,
Those ice cold stares,
Those frosty glares.
July 17, 2012 3:06 am at 3:06 am #1168388bygirl93MemberIt is a work in progress- it’s something new I’m trying out, please tell me what you think. All constructive criticism will be taken!!!:
Reading,
Calm;
Serene,
Relaxing.
Book,
New world;
Unexplored.
Waiting.
Page turner,
Fun;
Adventurous,
Suspenseful.
Library,
Home;
Quiet,
Safe haven.
Thoughts,
Escape;
Spread,
Lost.
Mind,
Concentration;
Logic,
Gears.
Control,
Order;
Exact,
Perfect.
Head,
Charge;
Boss,
Leader.
Group,
Together;
Connected,
Joined.
Friends,
Helpful;
Care,
There.
Family,
Sacrifice;
Together,
Strong.
July 17, 2012 3:33 am at 3:33 am #1168389SaysMeMemberwow, from ur first poems, its clear your friend is dear to you and that u really treasure it. Your family poem is beautiful :). You seem to have a really great and positive approach in your relationships and that will help them endure time, distance and challenge.
i like your last one! i really like how the topic change flows from one to the other, related yet new, and heading to a new topic again!
July 17, 2012 3:55 am at 3:55 am #1168390bygirl93MemberSays me- thank you! That’s exactly wat I was trying for in the last poem- I kinda just started with the first word- and did the word association game to continue through it-
July 22, 2012 4:48 pm at 4:48 pm #1168391MiddlePathParticipantFaith:
What a concept.
One that keeps me alive
Keeps me sane
But
Am I living in the real world?
Loneliness
Heartbreak
Disappointment
Self-destruction
Faith hides them all.
Keeps them restrained in a locked cage
But what if the cage opens?
If reality kicks in?
I tell myself I’ll be fine
I’ve gone through worse
And I laugh
But is it funny?
No.
It’s simply ironic
Yet expected
That something else unfortunate will happen.
I smile
At G-d’s sense of humor
Because wow, does He have one.
There’s no question
That He is in control.
Who else but Him can create
Such a perfectly executed storm?
Such a beautiful landscape of scorched earth?
Such a high cliff to be thrown down?
Such a huge waterfall to be dropped down?
Inner Peace
Is my salvation.
It called also be spelled:
Inner Piece
Referring to that one piece
Inside me
That is a part of Him
Which is indestructible
And that piece IS me.
What’s the proof of that?
I’m still here
Not destroyed.
So who am I?
I’m a part of G-d
And G-d is a part of me.
So I know
That everything will be fine.
Because the Creator of all things
Is in me.
That is faith.
And that is indestructible.
And that is reality.
What is pain?
Suffering?
A facade.
An illusion.
A test intended to confuse us
To try to pry us
Away from our essence.
It hasn’t worked on me.
Pain?
Suffering?
I know them for what they really are.
They are nothing.
Faith?
I know it for what it really is.
It is everything.
July 22, 2012 6:10 pm at 6:10 pm #1168392No One Mourns The WickedMember*Feebly waving*
Hi. I know I’ve been MIA. I’ve been going through h*ll and have been laying low for a while. It’s nothing in particular. I thought once school let out for the summer things would brighten up, but I guess school was a ‘good’ distraction from life. Without that, everything became glaringly more obvious. I’ve been torturing myself with a question: How is it that a girl who has so much going for her (pretty, smart, good/balanced natured could have so little confidence in herself and her accomplishments.
July 22, 2012 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #1168393SaysMeMembermp- Having faith does not mean denying your feelings. It doesnt mean suppressing pain, hurt or upset. Its a life-long work, but to the point where it is instinct to realize your emotions may be misplaced.
It is expected to hit bumps, and bigger ones as life goes on. That is the purpose of life. Life is about the hurdles and stumbles and challenges, and between them we are given breaks to rest, and recharge. Just like that miracle and rescue was so clearly designed and orchestrated just for you, that rock in the road that made you fall was shaped just so and placed just there just for you, but with the utmost love and care, so you can stand up and become stronger and more clearly see Him in retrospect. Like the mother may let her child ignore her call for supper so that he will learn for himself that supper is for his sake, to feed him, though it seemed a hindrance. Like the teacher steps back and lets the 2 kids argue it out themselves, so that they can learn problem-solving on their own. And she may even be the one to purposely pair those two up! The pain and suffering are not nothing but precisely what is drawing you higher up. Its those that will have the greatest reward. They are brochos in disguise.
Nomtw- hey! Sadly gotta hafta nod and say I know what you’re saying with school…. Do you have a good friend who recognizes your uncertainty in yourself? Who can pump you up and point out your strengths, accomplishments, sensitivities, achievements? It can make a world of a difference if its coming from a sincere place. Its easy to be blinded to your own worth and good. Its a very easy trap for the yetzer hora to entangle us in. And a hard one to climb out of. If you feel you are making a difference, doing s/t for others, its the best thing you can do for yourself. Try to find yourself a feel-good job or volunteer program for the summer? Or help out in a chessed org? Wish I had the right words to open your eyes to all that you are….
July 22, 2012 7:30 pm at 7:30 pm #1168394SaysMeMemberoops. The danger of typing a reply in word then copying is you dont realize how long your reply really is. Sry!
July 22, 2012 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #1168395Luna LovegoodParticipantBehind every person lies a story
Do you wish to know mine
Of the past I left behind
My family
My friends
A very happy life
Replaced by conflict
Anger and strife
But my story has yet to end
And my life I have yet to mend
I wish to see a light
Glowing so very bright
A light to chase away the night
A light to give me strength and might
To conquer the sadness and fears
That has accumulated over the years
So this is the story that I hide
I hide it deep inside
Away from the world
That is very cruel and cold
Where all they do is judge you
July 22, 2012 8:42 pm at 8:42 pm #1168396🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantMP and NOMTW – please give me a chance to gather my thoughts, I have so much to say to both of you.
SaysMe – Beautiful answer. You really sound great!
July 22, 2012 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm #1168397SaysMeMemberthx Syag. I can put up a pretty good facade some times 🙂
July 22, 2012 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #1168398🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantNOMTW – Okay, you first. It is very easy for someone wonderful to feel that way. Here is the secret. Your less Gdly side (your yetzer hora, if you will) wants to see if it can rob you of your simcha and menuchas nefesh. When you haven’t accomplished much or are socially inept, or if you have other failures, then putting yourself down is a piece of cake. You can be called a loser, a failure, a bum, you name it. But if you have accomplished a lot, and polished yourself up, and really done well with yourself, the button to push has to be internal. No sense arguing with reality, instead your core is doubted, attacked, belittled. All your motives and strengths are questioned. But it is ALL A SCAM!!!!!! This is a piece of you trying to drag yourself under and steal your glory. Just think how stupid it would be if your Y”H tried to tell you you were a failure, it wouldn’t work because you have diplomas to prove it. But if the Y”H decides to attack your insides, who will tell him what a fool he is? YOU must. Pull yourself up and say, “You know what? I’m not so bad. I have some great qualities and my depression/inner voice/y”h is just trying to unhinge me. I AM NOT FALLING FOR IT!”
I read an awesome R’ Twerski story where he speaks to a girl who was using and cutting. He asked her how she could destroy her beautiful self. She laughed and said everyone thinks she was just garbage. He said, “You’re right, and that scar on your face is really ugly” to which she replied that she didn’t have a scar on her face. R, Twerski explained to her that his insult didn’t hurt her because she KNEW for a fact that she didn’t have a scar. If she KNEW FOR A FACT that she wasn’t garbage, she wouldn’t believe that insult either.
You may have been told that you will never be good enough, or maybe you are expecting perfection, or maybe you are hoarding faults of yours that you (very) mistakenly think negate your richness. Well you need to just tell that little voice that it is full of baloney, and that you are awesome and have friends and can call yourself good things even if you are still a work in progress. Call its bluff.
I always believe that people like me because they don’t know me. That when they find out who I REALLY am, they will not like me anymore. It always keeps me from feeling secure in anything, waiting for that day to come. But it isn’t real. I worked hard to find out where it came from, but that isn’t the point. The point is that it isn’t true, and you cannot give it credence.
You will have to forgive me if I gave you the wrong shmuz, maybe this isn’t what you are about. But in my anonymity I was willing to take a chance 🙂
July 23, 2012 12:04 am at 12:04 am #1168399SaysMeMemberSyag- that was an amazing answer. and even if not perfect for nomtw, its beneficial for so many, myself included, to hear. Thanks so much for sharing, and with such clarity.
July 23, 2012 7:40 pm at 7:40 pm #1168400MiddlePathParticipantSaysMe, wow. Thank you so much for your post. You are definitely right. It’s funny, I usually do see it that way, until I’m dealing with something myself.. then my entire mentality changes, and I usually just try to hide the pain instead of using it to grow. Thanks again.
I wish I had the strength now to respond to everyone the way I used to, but I don’t. I need to get back to neutral myself before I can do that.
July 24, 2012 12:53 am at 12:53 am #1168401Luna LovegoodParticipantPeople are like a box of crayons
Each one is unique
But when brought together the picture is complete
The green becomes the grass
The blue becomes the sky
The white is the clouds drifting peacefully by
The yellow becomes the sun shining so very bright
The black and gray combine to draw a starry night
Everyone is different
Each person is unique
Some are like a ray of sun while others are very bleak
Some are shy
And others cry
Some are sad
Others are always glad
But when they stand together
They can weather any weather
July 24, 2012 2:26 am at 2:26 am #1168402SaysMeMemberLuna- that was reallly nice! i really really liked it a lot! and hi again!
slowly everyone’s coming outta hiding, i see….
MP- we’re all wishing the best for you! Dont feel obligated to reply when you can’t. Focus on lifting your own spirits first, and the poets and posters here, we’ll try to help! Just keep heading up and looking forward!
July 24, 2012 3:57 am at 3:57 am #1168403kapustaParticipantMP, I think someone once posted a quote (from Rabbi Brody?) “Emunah checks in where logic checks out”. If/when it’s not logical, and when things don’t seem to go “right”, Emunah is the lifejacket. Hatzlacha. (btw, the inner peace/piece thing is amazing)
NOMTW, sorry you’ve been having a hard time. I can’t give you much more than whats been said already but I do think the suggestion of a Chessed organization of some sort is a good one. It doesn’t have to be straight out, maybe visiting an elderly relative/neighbor? Hope things get easier soon.
Luna, those were great poems. One thing i’ve learned more recently is to assume that everyone is hiding something. The second poem also has a great message, especially for the three weeks. Thanks!
(Thanks, you know who you are :))
July 24, 2012 4:15 am at 4:15 am #1168404SaysMeMemberLuna- wanna apologize. i have no clue how, but i completely missed your first poem. i just realized now when i saw kapusta’s line “those were great poems”.
Your story keeps on going, this chapters not yet even done. But life has surprises for us, and you may be approaching an unforeseen high part, and a place where you can heal very quickly and easily, bezras Hashem. I wish you will be given a clarity and internal strength and love to overcome those hurts and sadness…
July 24, 2012 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #1168405blablaParticipanthey guys I’m back and survived camp! was kinda hard but survived!
July 24, 2012 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #1168406🍫Syag LchochmaParticipantwelcome blabla! Glad you made it through!
July 25, 2012 12:04 am at 12:04 am #1168407No One Mourns The WickedMemberSaysMe: Thank you for your kind words. I do have a friend who I can confide in, the issue is that she is on the verge of getting engaged and aside from the obvious panic and fear of the ensuing loneliness; I also don’t want to bog her down with this…
Syag, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insightful and thoughtful words! Yes, it’s partly what I guess we can call the “yetzer hara”, and it’s partly the awful dating world that is getting me down. I am tall and have a healthy curvy (Not. Fat.) figure. I strongly feel that a girl needs 1 outstanding quality to get ‘noticed’. It can be money, looks, brains, etc. It can be all too easy to start self-deprecating.
July 25, 2012 2:43 am at 2:43 am #1168408MiddlePathParticipantLuna, your poem about the box of crayons is so beautiful, and so unbelievably true. In general, your poems are really amazing.
Thanks so much for your encouragement, SaysMe, Syag, kapusta, NOMTW. I’m slowly getting back to normal, and I’m taking a few steps at a time toward using my struggles and difficulties to make myself a stronger, better person, and seeing things in a different light. Whether or not my appreciation shows right now, please know that you all are putting meaning in my life.
blabla, it’s great to see you back. How are you?
Think first, ICOT, hope you’re doing alright.
bygirl93, really nice poems.
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