ATT POETRY PEOPLE

I’d like to start this new page off by just saying thank you to “dancinggirl” for starting this wonderful thread. There has been so much help, support, and beautiful poetry in this thread, and we have you to thank. I don’t know if you still post here or not, but I felt that we should acknowledge what you’ve done. Thanks!

I sweat,

I shake violently,

don’t know what I fear,

just anxiety,

can’t control it,

my hands tremble,

heart beats the speed of a bullet,

stomach nausea like I’ll vomit,

eyes darting every direction,

can barely type these words,

and I google it,

and search for a cure,

a solution to my earthquaked body,

I breath,

I attempt all relaxation techniques,

failure…

Sorry this is just a ramble and doesn’t make much sense to others…

Slowly, silently drifting apart

like the tide from on the beach

cannot see the little shifts

but with time see the breach

i feel like we are losing touch

a bit more every day

unpleasant silence, upsets

we seem off kilter in a way

i feel we’re both losing our

sensitivity to each others needs

treading on nerves we’d long ago

learned to detect and read

am i just not compatible

with a friend who is engaged?

too sensitive to be pushed off

do i unfairly get enraged?

I wonder if it’d be better

for us to take a short break

or only to talk twice a week

if it’d lessen the ache

it’d make for less hurt feelings

when it seems to keep going wrong

and it’d be a way to prepare for

not talking, in not too long

its not what i want, not at all

but this isn’t working well

we both don’t share our feelings, thots

won’t ask, won’t say, won’t tell

has it come down to walking

on eggshells with each other?

both scared to speak, then both get hurt

I cry beneath my cover

appointments, classes call

busy day and nite

sheitels, gowns, and kallah class

there is no break in sight

this wk coming, that week going

no schedule i can keep

at 2 am we’re on the phone

my body begs for sleep

but, no! I want to talk, to share

my day, and hear of hers

i cannot let the time dictate

our rants, our laughs, our words

i want to see her one more time

before her name is changed

but this does not anymore seem

so simple to arrange

i understand the urgentness

of things you have to do

if slots open, u go right then.

It must be done, it’s true

when u have work or class i know

for me you won’t be free

and things may pop up to be done

but …. can’t u schedule me?

We both want to see each other

who more, i don’t know.

can’t you book an evening off

to spend time with me, though?

If you don’t have the space or time

just tell me, that is fine

i won’t come til your shabbos kallah

won’t have your ear just mine

but that might have to be the way

this is a busy time

just tell me so, don’t let me hope

for u know thats a crime.

Says me. You really depict in ur peom how your feeling, and its hard. I know.

SaysMe–

I hope things have improved since you posted.

Think first–

Very nicely done.

Think first, wow, what a poem, and what an amazingly positive attitude you have! This should give encouragement to all those unfortunately out of work. May you continue inspiring us, and may things only go well for you.

SaysMe, I’m sorry that other things have gotten worse, but I’m glad you spoke to your friend and are doing better with that. Thank you for keeping us updated on things. Keep your focus on the good things, and hopefully everything else will turn around for the better.

I am sorry that’s all I can post at this point, I am exhausted from school work, and can’t really focus so much right now.

nope, not doing well. And making everyone around me angry and that just comes back at me… A spiral down. There’s only so much hurt and insult i can take in 2 weeks before it gets inside affects me

blabla, please, please keep in mind that you aren’t alone! All of us here care about you so much. We are praying for things to only get better for you. And even if things aren’t getting better right now, please don’t give up. Giving up is letting the pain win. Please don’t let the pain win! You are in control, not your pain! We can’t possibly know why G-d continues to do things that are seemingly always bad, but if these things are happening, we have to understand a few things: That we are capable of overcoming them, that they are there to make us stronger, and that G-d is doing it out of love.

For me, growing up, I went through a stage where I felt my existence wasn’t worth anything, and that I’d be better off dead than alive. And that lasted quite a few years. I got through it because I believed that if G-d gave me such hardships, it meant that I can overcome them and that they were there to help me grow to become the best person I can be. It was all about how I looked at it. And looking back, I am so happy I stayed alive during that period, because I see now how it really helped. And you know what, even if now, I wouldn’t have seen how it helped, I’d know that there will be a time when I WILL understand why it had to happen, and that if I cut my life short, it means I wasn’t able to handle it and chose to not have complete faith that it was best for me. So please, for your sake (and for all our sakes here in this thread, since we all care about you so much), continue to push forward, keep in mind that G-d is doing all this because He loves you. G-d never hates you. Believe me, I’ve had many times in my life when I was absolutely sure that G-d hated me. But all that did was make my troubles even worse and less bearable. And worst of all, it wasn’t true. G-d loves all of us.

Sorry for the long post, I just can’t bear to think that you’re giving up. We all care about you here, and love you, and want things to only get better.

SaysMe, I’m so sorry things aren’t doing better for you. I am praying for your well-being, and I hope the hurt and insults fade away quickly. We all care so much about you here, and want things to only be good for you.

PE, hi! Good to see you back here.

This is a conversation between the brain and the heart:

B: think positive and all will be good

H: I have negative feelings I wish I could

B: look let’s just be smart and forget all that’s past

H: I try to do that but it doesn’t last

H: you see, for you its all logic like 1 plus 1, for me its feelings please don’t make fun. I use you to remember things and the feeling comes along this is my nature nothing right or wrong.

B: aha I see ur in pain, well don’t use me to think about it and all will be good. That should do it.

H: well brain, you see it all starts with me, a feeling comes along that gets me to use ur memory that pulls up more memories full of feelings that gush back into me and then I’m in a swirl. Feeling scared nervous or just upset, almost like its happening now. My ventricles are very powerful they gush with feeling, I know you don’t understand to you its not appealing.

B: listen heart I don’t want to fight were part of the same body we must have a purpose. There must be a way for us to work together and maybe we can make our owner feel better?

H: Yes, true I think we should make peace as long as we understand eachother and how we work. So when I have feelings don’t just say oh its for naught its helpful to feel distraught. It helps one mourn over something that has happened so they can move on afterward without it resurfacing are you chappen (understanding)?

B: ok, ill let you feel, but when its too much ill let you know there a limit to how much time you can spend feeling!

H: no no you got it wrong feelings don’t have limits and bounds. You feel until its all out and then yyou move one but you can’t tell me when the time has has come.

B: yes ur right I see the sence it has a purpose indeed. So you do the feeling and ill stand tight, ill wait until ur alright. When you are and got it all out, I can help us move about. Ill help us get through decisions we need to make and together I think we’ll do alright.

H: I’m in, I feel great that we made up.

B: Ok

Blabla: Please don’t give up! Pain can be unbearable..I know. Every morning you need to give yourself one reason why you NEED to get out’ve bed. Take that reason and milk it for all it’s worth. Many a morning I couldn’t even find that one reason. It takes unbelievable strength to get up on those days, but refuse to let the pain control you :-/ Hang in there..

Unrelated, but I wanted to share something….Everyone remembers the terrible tragedy of Moshe Berkowitz a’h untimely passing. I wrote this little blurb about him shortly after…

The hour was late, the sun had set

You ran into the yeshiva to daven maariv, heaven knew it would be the last one.

The earth stood in awe at your fervent prayer.

At the 23rd hour, tragedy struck

A pure, sterling, loved and revered neshama was taken from its earthly cradle

Screaming, crying, pain, the shot heard round the world

From silence to sorrow hundreds gathered to grieve

From all backgrounds & social classes they flocked

One thought in mind-You.

Why, How, Where, What, When

The questions, the rumors, the stories

No one could fathom why you had to go

We cannot understand so many things

The heavenly angels looked down and saw a treasure

They asked god to claim it for himself

When we come into this world, we cry and the world rejoices

Let us live our lives so that when we leave, the world cries and we rejoice

Moshe, we are all crying for you.

No One Mourns The Wicked, that is a beautiful poem! And welcome to this thread! Hope to see more poetry from you.

blabla, hope your posts get put up.

Middlepath: Thanks!

THE UNNORMAL

How do i begin to share the great pain that i own

About a life of solitude of being totally alone

Born into a family that was completely the norm

Until i was born one day and brought on the storm

Many physical problems i was unfortunately given

How would i survive in a family where only the normal live in

So many problems was i bestowed with on my birthday

And born to a father who always looked away

To them being different was a tremendous curse

Nothing in the world could be any worse

So to protect their name i had to hide my defects

according to my family i belonged with life’s rejects

I was their dirty little secret to be hidden and ashamed

Because i brought a curse on our family and them i defamed

My father made me feel as if i had ruined his perfect name

A son born to HIM so frail and abnormal and not the same

My mother tried to do the best that she could do

But you didn’t disagree my father that much we knew

So i lived my life full of shame and disgrace

For being the cause of disturbing their perfect place

My siblings carried on their fathers cue

they knew that to me no respect should be due

It was all right to sit on their plateau and to abuse

They huddled together and would mock me and set off my fuse

To whom could i turn with my pain so embedded and raw

As i would cry myself to sleep and pray to a g-d who never saw

My existence was ridden with pain and strife

So many times i wondered how can i live this life?

This whole terrible existence carried on throughout childhood

If i could escape by grabbing on to a shooting star i would

As i became an adult the stress manifested and grew

Causing more problems to me someday it would kill me i knew

At the age of 30 i finally made my escape from their hold

I moved to a different city it was an attempt to be bold

And with therapy and distance my self worth did arise

And i found confidence in myself that was a surprise

I found out that i was smart and even funny too

Things i never realized because they made my life so blue

I live my life now with happiness and pride

No worries about a family that would always deride.

Ty Middlepath ive just been following this thread now for a little while but i didnt feel right commenting until i contributed i like the feeling on this thread of caring and empathy and you are a big part of that thank you for keeping this thread going.

Goq, thank you. This is my favorite thread, for the reasons you gave.

ICOT, thank you. And thanks for asserting that people from troubled homes can become the best spouses and parents.

SaysMe, haven’t see you here in a few days. Hope things are going better for you.

either there’s something wrong with my computer or I dunno! i posted like 3 more poems last night!

A broken heart,

a crack down the middle,

deep,

sharp and through,

it tore my being,

ripped my soul,

destroyed my essence,

and left me alone,

in the icy dark night,

in silence,

isolation,

HELP! I can’t take it anymore!

Dancingirl– some of the most talented people who were about to create somethin new or those who have invented concepts and machines that the entire world uses today, have been told their idea was silly and would fail. Well you’ve proven them all wrong and have what to be proud of, I personally have gained support right here so I thank you very much!!

Dancinggirl, you’re around! Yes, this thread really became something incredible, thanks for starting it!

blabla, I hope you read that piece that I posted. No matter what you go through, please know that you are not alone in life, even if it seems that way.

PE, hi! Glad to see you back here, and thanks! That longer piece, I copied it from a blog with the author’s permission, but I don’t think I have the right to say who it is, I’m sorry. And yes, I try to follow it too.

Yes I most definitely did read it! Thanks for the encouragement!

They are whispered to and fro these words of hate

They make positive friendly feelings dissipate

For those who speak it they do not care

Hey they are having fun! who cares about fair

It’s not just a habit its a way of life

It brings ruin and causes a world of strife

They speak in low tones come hear my tale

Did you hear about Ploni? his test he did fail

These talkers gather with much happiness and glee

Listen to what i found out about Mrs. Ploni

Did you know that she wears a dress that is short?

And did you know her husband had to go to court?

They drink in these words that bring grief and pain

The words travel from cloud to cloud and brings on the rain

What do they care if the person of whom they speak

That their poisonous story the havoc it will wreak

After 120 they will have to answer to Hashem

Why it was so important to defame all of them

What will they answer what defense can they say

After a lifetime of causing so much harm and dismay

Thank you MiddlePath, Unfortunately i have a lot of experience having been a subject of loshon hara throughout my life it is really debilitating to have other people constantly talk about you it drains you a great deal.

Middlepath i have so much respect for all that you have endured, your one of the most thoughtful posters here always having a kind word to say keep up the great work.

i’m completely falling apart, losing myself, unstable emotionally and hashkafically. I thought i had bitachon but the foundation was never firm and its all breaking apart around me. I’m falling falling hard and fast, and there is noone around to catch me. Those who care are busy or scared, those who should care don’t know how to show it and are just more angry at me than anything else. I’m watching the ground coming closer and can’t prepare myself for the painful, horrible crash that is coming.

Middlepath – I certainly would not condone anyone talking or whispering about you in public but I want you to know it may not be bad. Sometimes I’ll see someone who has suffered as you have and I find myself thinking about how much pain they have endured, how well they seem to be doing or how sorry I am.

I saw a boy walk past my house, he was way off any derech and very into drugs. I was watching him cuz I was thinking about how he looked exactly like his father and how his father also wandered in that direction at that age. I thought about how his father cleaned up his act and made a nice life for himself and wished the same for this boy. Appearantly getting caught up in nostalgia and warm wishes on the inside, looked very much like ‘staring’ on the outside because he made some nasty comment to me indicating he just thought I was some frum old lady giving him the evil eye. I felt awful that he thought that, and am much more careful now to assume sensitivity, and to smile. But I never woulda thought. . .