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I was hoping nobody would notice the hours I post here! LOL
But thanks for the offer, if I can get a hold of your email address I’d be glad to contact you. I just don’t know how to get it
I’ve come to hit a rock bottom,
of a stormy ocean,
one that I’ve battled for long,
one that I’ve lost its wars,
I’ve been submerged,
under its tumbling waves,
crashing on its shores,
white mist above me,
in the dark deep blue,
rumbling groaning waters,
sharks around me,
forceful waves.
I’ve reached the bottom,
hit the stony sharp rocks bellow the surface,
I’ve hit it and can’t go further down.
No further, no closer,
I’m trapped at the bottom,
never to arise,
from this dark gloomy sea,
I’m tired of it,
I’ve had enough of life,
I’m done completely,
I let my overwhelming emotions overcome me and I break down.
balling,
tears flowing like a river,
I reach for the knife,
create soft marks in my skin,
it makes me feel good,
I can harm myself,
punish myself for all the bad I’ve done.
I’ve had enough of battling this world,
fighting for my life,
I now succumb.
I’m dead.
Hashem,
I’m not a malach,
your giving me too much on my plate,
and you blame me for killing myself?!
HOW DARE YOU?!
I don’t know what I write,
dunno what flows off these keys,
dont know what I’m typing,
dunno anything…anywhere….anymore.
I thought I’m artistic,
the colors didn’t show,
I thought I could write,
the words didn’t flow.
I thought I could bake,
couldn’t make the dough,
I thought I could boat,
couldn’t even row.
I thought I could play music,
the notes didn’t go,
I thought I’m getting better,
but I still didn’t grow.
I thought I’m athletic,
a ball I couldn’t throw,
I thought I’m climbing higher,
I’ve reached a plateau-or maybe not even that?!
blabla, please don’t hurt yourself. It’s overwhelming and long and such a heavy load, but it will end! You will overcome! it may be taking longer than anyone would want, but each day is another day marked off of the cheshbon. Keep focusing on the sunshine that you know is coming, and believing in yourself! You WILL feel its warmth and see its light, you WILL! It might take another month, or 2, or even 5, but you are getting closer and closer with every hour, every step, walking on to the opening of this dark tunnel. I hope your in touch with kapusta or others who care. (kapusta- that was so special of you! Yasher koach!) Hang in there! Hoping every day is sunnier than the last!
blabla–
I agree 100% with what “SaysMe” posted.
Keep going, you can do it!
kapusta–
Not for the first time, I’m impressed with your kindness.
May you be zoche to the brachos and happiness you richly deserve.
Yes Kapusta clearly has outstanding middos. One of the nicest people I’ve met
Hey people I’m still around haven’t had time to write lately but ill have something soon. Bla bla keep on writing ur writing inspires me, it really does. Maybe you can incorporate a wish or a hope in each of ur poems like at the end. Its just a wish? Like I wish this dark tunnel would brighten up or I hope these waves allow me to survive. I think it can have an effect. What do you think?
blabla, I’m sorry I’ve been away for a bit. I just wanted to talk about your new poems. First, I am so sorry about how much you’ve been suffering. It is clear in your poems that you have so much on your plate right now, and just the fact that you are still able to come here and relate it to us through your beautiful poetry is an amazing thing. I know I’ve said this before, but I really think it would be good to try to write down every day something good that has happened that day. It can really help show how good things also happen, not just bad. And please don’t think that you don’t know how to write! You are definitely one of the most talented poets I’ve come across, and you convey your feelings and emotions so well that I can feel the pain you are going through. Please know that we care about you here, and will always give you encouragement. Again, I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long.
And I like Think first’s idea. It would help give a positive spin on your writings, and may also help you discern what it is exactly that you feel you need most, and may help give us all a better understanding of how to offer you support and encouragement.
SaysMe, your kind and encouraging words to blabla are very inspiring. Keep it up! And I’d love to see new material from you!
Kapusta, I agree with everyone, you are definitely an extremely nice and thoughtful person. Keep doing what you do!
First, I’d like to mention that I appreciate all those who are providing support-its what keeps me going! Even if I don’t respond, I really do read it!
To those who suggested writing good things down…I guess I could try…but i’d keep it private so that nobody who knows what good happens to me can figure me out 🙂
Now for me adding a hopeful twist…I’ll try that now:
Daunting days,
scary ways,
stuck in a blaze,
I’m in a daze,
don’t want to graze,
lost in a maze,
but forced to obey,
I can’t betray,
and so I delay,
these painful days,
hope I’ll survive this faze,
perhaps amaze.
blabla, that is great! And let me just say, that you already do amaze. The fact that you can come here and write so beautifully, with so much emotion and color, is an amazing thing. Keep it up, and you will definitely survive this phase! And I like the hopeful twist at the end. Wishing you a wonderful shabbos.
Thanks MP. And Bla Bla, look at that u did a hopeufl twist, I wish upon you that all ur hopes come true!
Amen! And yes I survived this torturous phase…was very very hard and not doing well now 🙁
Enclosed in a jail,
iron bars,
clanging together as i shake them vigorously,
attempting to break free,
to run unbound,
to be released,
these metal rods,
they lock me in,
into their cruel grip,
they isolate me,
in their rusty cells,
the sturdy gated windows,
the heavy padlock on the iron door,
stuck here forever,
the rusty smell chokes me,
I’m alone here,
all alone,
disconnected,
detached from a foreign world.
Will someone rescue me?
The Producer
The Producer sadly shakes His head
As His guest gets up to leave
Because there was still much to be said
More of the tale to weave
Though He worked long and hard on this tale
A brand new show to premier
If the watcher now wanted to bail
Up to this point the film was bland
The story standard and mundane
It was leading up to something grand
A random chapter picked would show
A hospital ward full of joy
A yeshiva filled with bright young men
Learning each and all day long
Their studies supported yet again
By the saved boy, now rich and strong
At the weekly Shabbos table
Their family content, happy and stable
A great-grandchild 100 years hence
May cure the common cold
If we saw the full tale unfold
Another descendent, a less famous one
With an important role to play
Picks up schoolkids on his morning run
And drives them home again each day
Which is what he prefers
With the kindness he confers
The last clip shows a child in a scary place
Lost in a large and busy crowd
He turns; you see he has your face
So many faces go spinning past
Like snowflakes in a storm
In a world so chilly and so vast
The ones you know can keep you warm
The present is just one small piece
ICOT- amazing poem. Thanks it inspiring.
blabla i just read ur post and cried. I hope u did not dare to follow through on those thoughts. I am listening, and my heart is hurting for you. Please don’t give up. Even if today was black, you know there are up and down days. Maybe tomorrow will be even a bit better. Don’t mark today, skip it and wait for tomorrow to mark the sunshine with a poem. I am hoping you can feel my care, cuz it is real. I don’t know what kind of support one sad person can give another, but as long as i’m not making things worse i will try and do whatever i can. Let me share just a bit of the burden u are carrying, lighten it up a bit cuz i believe in you. Sending a hug your way. Please let me know how u are doing, feeling. Wishing you the best!
Think first–
Thank you.
blabla–
“The Producer” was for you.
None of know how our lives will turn out, what ups and downs are in store for us, or even what may be done years, decades and even centuries down the road due to our actions.
Please keep in mind that you’re not just responsible for yourself, but for all future generation you (IY”H) will have and all the things they will accomplish.
As “SaysMe” stated in such a heartfelt manner, please never, ever hurt yourself. Get whatever help is necessary, each and every time you need it – you’re far from the only person who has this type of struggle and there are people who have experience helping. Your happiness and well being matters not only to yourself, but also to those who care about you.
Please keep posting here and let us know how you’re doing.
:'(
Please blabla. Call your therapist too and tell her. Let her help you through this low. Listening does help a lot really. If you’d want, i wish i could be available to you, to listen, whenever i could. i am on email more than coffee room… Please don’t let yourself get into that mindset if you can. Don’t let yourself be alone if you feel like that. i wish you could tell your parents if you felt that low, but…don’t turn to something that can leave scars. You WILL get out of the darkness. don’t leave scars to remind you. You will shine and shoot up, i believe that. and then you will hopefully be able to forget this time. i’m out of words, can only give you tears for your pain. will try again soon
ICOT, that was a masterpiece, and is a true piece of encouragement for anyone who reads it. I hope it was able to touch you somewhere somewhat blabla.
Maybe try to find something you can take that pain and frustration out on, NOT on yourself! Don’t know if you play any instrument, but playing loud hard, either really fast or slow songs. Drumming and smashing- even on homemade drums! (i can tell u how to make those!) My all-time favorite quote: “Therapy is expensive. Bubble wrap is cheap” To twist, jump on, pop one at a time, or tonz at once. Even smashing foam cups! Let out the pressure, turn on music or the shower and SCREAM! Paint or draw angry scribbles. And of course, poetry and most of all talking and sharing your feelings. Here in the CR, with a friend, a therapist, a relative. Be strong, blabla
PrincessEagle, observanteen, Middlepath, AYC- Where are you all? Please come back
Into blurred vision,
I’m plunged,
a fuzzy film,
remains,
blocking my view,
foggy brain,
windy thoughts,
stormy mind,
and I can’t study.
I can’t concentrate. 🙁 🙁
Hey e1!!!! How are you all doing?? Well, i can read back to some and see the answers for that… Thanks saysme for the welcome. How are you? Was thinking of you!
Blabla, i see you’ve continued to have it very tough, is it any better?
ICOT – that’s great! You wrote it especially for this? Do you ever publish?
Kapusta – just for good measure, i’ll add my kudos to the list! Did you ever get to exchange your email addresses?!
MiddlePath, you’ve done some nice commenting, as well as saysme, and the rest….
SaysMe, thanks for noticing by absence.
PrincessEagle, thanks.
I think I’m going to take a break from this place for now. Maybe I’ll be back when I feel a more positive vibe in the cr. Blabla, good luck with everything. Everyone, please keep this thread going, it is a wonderful thing. Wishing you all the best.
MiddlePath – things are so much more positive now. And people are just ignoring many of the negative posts so they don’t take off. And not only that, you can just choose your threads well. I don’t want to encourage anyone to be in a chat room if they have real-life things to do, but don’t go away sad, things are certainly improved.
middlepath please don’t leave. Couldn’t u just come to the poetry thread? Bookmark it and avoid the rest?
I feel like slowly everyone encouraging and uplifting is leaving. This thread is dying, the CR is dying. I understand ppl wanting to leave til things clear up and theres a shift. But if all the positive ppl who care leave, what does that leave? Whats to motivate the change?
I can only speak for myself but thats how i feel. I try. I try to be helpful blabla. I know i care so much and try to show it and encourage, support. But a support group has strength in numbers. I am struggling myself. To give strength when i feel i have none is hopeful but i don’t know how helpful or strong what i try is. And i doubt it is much. At least in the poetry thread i hope to gain strength. From poems, and from the replies and care shown. But when the number of those has dwindled so so much…. I wish AYC would come back. I wish the poetry thread posters would be able to post more. I wish when i feel like blabla and am waiting desperately for the words of wisdom from others, that my reply isn’t the only, or amid only 1 or 2 more. Can’t we keep the strength of kindness and caring alive at least here, in this thread?
I don’t completely understand what you said saysme but what I did understand was that there are people leaving the cr because of other issues. I used to post more often and read all the threads, and because I’ve seen the change I decided to stop but I stuck to the poetry thread. This, IMHO is the one serious and straight, supportive thread around and I hope all those leaving will change their minds! And I wanted to thank you for all your incredible support-if only I can be that supportive…its hard for me to post usually because I’m busy…now I have mid winter so I actually have the time to write this up. Usually I write poetry when I’m too overwhelmed to write anything else! Sorry! (((hugs)))
thanks blabla. for that all. i know i was just ranting and it may not have made great sense…i’m glad i help somewhat. you can be supportive, and u are!!
i hope ur busy with good stuff. And enjoying your vacation. If that’s the poetry source, then i’m glad ur not in the mood now. Thanks for making me smile.
Hey there everyone, don’t give up keep doing ur part and the thread will come back to life. Like us all the thread is going through a down time.
Dear thread,
I know you’ve been down
U may even frown
Ur feeling lost and forgotton
And u may feel like u hit rock bottom
Don’t throw in the towel now
Be proud and take a bow
Look through ur pages of beautiful lyrics
Real emotions no gimicks
You’ve helped so many burden overcome
Don’t you stop ur job is not yet done
The pain you’ve washed away
You’ve made for many a bright day
And the burdens you’ve lifted
Everyone of ur posters is uniquely gifted
You’ll stand tall as u once have before
Soon poeple will be knocking ar ur door
I know you’ll welcome them in like you always do
Your amazing support for many a jew
So ride the tide it’ll be high soon
What you’ve accomplished can’t be ruin
Ur glory will be back its true
You can do it, yes you!
Says me, bla bla, kapusta, observanteen, middlepath, princesseagle, I can only try, we can keep this place alive! We can do it!
my pillows soaked with tears
emotions running high
wondering why when i should be happy
i feel the need to cry
so many things are happening
so many challenges and tests
this week been long, lots of different stresses
leaves me yearning for some rest
too many occurances together
everything all in one
my emotions are pulled, extreme hi extreme low
overwhelming, this is no fun
shaking from pressure and fears
happiness and joy make me dance
tears of frustration that just will not stop
noone to listen to my rants
just wanna go to a friend
and let my emotions be free
let myself collapse in sobs, yells and cries
let out all the pain within me.
SaysMe-
*hug*
I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. Hope tomorrow (literally and figuratively) will be easier. Hang in there. 🙂
(Not quite at MP or AYC level but maybe something.)
SaysMe, i don’t know if you will come to check this before shabbos. On the hope that you will i am just dropping a quick line for you.
Firstly, i’m truly sorry and i am feeling for you. Now and through the past few weeks when i couldn’t post. I was hoping for your happiness and i knew that you are strong and have that very determination to want to get past the pain etc and will do all you can to do so. i’m reading what you posted a few hours ago and all i can say is that i’m sorry. And like Kapusta said, i hope too it will be better tomorrow – today – now! and have a great shabbos! Maybe we can also exchange email addresses ;)!!!
Think first – wow, that’s really something, i love that piece!!!! Just to point out that it’s not nec. the best thing for everybody individuality to be posting here. Hope all’s well with you all, so long!!
think first- abelated 🙂
kapusta, princess eagle- thank you. Kapusta- ANY reply is something and everything. A hug is even more. PE thanks for believing in me when i’m wavering. No email exchanging for now- i bug enuf ppl as is. Not so sure abt shabbos. I did get a lot of tears out. Good to have that ability again, bad that i am so sad i couldn’t stop… But no crying on shabbos. Or at least we try. Have a good shabbos all.
I like to mention a vort I live by and I hope it’ll be uplifting for us.
When Moshe Rabeinu was told by Hashem to take Klal yisroel out of mitzraim He said “Hashem I don’t know if I’m capable of doing this great task” and Hashem told him “you want to know the biggest proof that are indeed capable of this great task? Because I sent you, and I never give someone more than they can handle.
Sometimes we feel we’ve been dealt a realy tough blow, or we have too much on our shoulders and we feel like ” I can’t handle this!” Well understand that although it may be tougher and greater than anything that’s has come our way until this point, the understanding that Hashem who created you and I and who gave you this challenge feels that you are indeed capable of overcoming, and handling this challenge should empower you and make you feel ” If I got it, I can handle it!”
I’ve been through hard times not by choice and this has aleways helped me. I hope it will help you too.
Also, a good excersize is to tell yourself verbaly over and over ” I can do this, I can do this” you’ll see you will start beleiving yourself.
Wishing you all and empowered Shabbos!
believe it or not, its the one i live by too. though it doesnt sound like it now…. and the one i tell other people…
If thats the case, I’m sending over a virtual oversized suitcase of hugs.
Thinking about you. 🙂
i want a real hug so badly :(.
My bff got engaged, so i’m losing her. She has been just about my entire support system for a couple of years. Knows me and gets me inside and out. Best friend anyone could ask for. We think and feel the same in so many ways that she truly can finish my sentences and verbalize my feelings, and knows just what to say. Always encouraging, motivating, believing in me. Always there for me. And even just from when she was seriously dating, and ww couldn’t talk deeply, i felt lost and fell. And while i’m soso excited and happy and ecstatic, i’m sad and scared for myself… Makes me feel like such a horrible friend.
You are NOT a horrible friend, you are a friend who is feeling horrible. It isn’t easy to feel that way and it does get better, but that wont make you feel any better right now. Just tell yourself that if Hashem is pulling away your crutches, He must believe you have enough balance to take a step on your own. It sounds so cliche to say, “believe in yourself” but it is really the foundation.
I know what worked for me might not work for others, and since you don’t know me you might not be able to accept my words, but I will go out on a limb.
High school was very hard for me for many reasons. A friend and I wrote many poems and shorts stories about anger and depression and about evil adults and boyfriends etc. We lived and breathed our pain, read and wrote about our misery and could see no way out. Over time I found that we were perpetuating that misery. I can read about your pain and bring myself right back down to those places, I can only imagine what is involved in writing them.
Writing about smiles and rainbows isn’t the answer, but writing poems and stories about little sunshowers and small bursts of goodness or happiness that I actually felt or experienced helped surrounded me with those feelings too. The poems about hope perpetuated hope and made the feelings bigger and more alive. They had to be about real moments, not fake ones. But they kept them growing and built bridges for me.
Just a thought, NOT a mussar. Please accept it as support from a friend who gets it.
***two hugs**
thanks Syag, ok i’m not horrrible. Like i said though, i already felt myself stumbling just from when we couldn’t talk lately, so i don’t believe in myself.
Your high school story sounds very similar to a friend of mine :). With this friend, after a while together we realized we were foing just that- focusing on and exacerbating the misery. And we switched to being encouraging and focusing on solutions. We’ve both been positive, and when one was down the other played the encourager. recently though, she’s been holding ME up and without her eyes seeing light, i’m stuck in the dark. writing has always been a way for me to work through emotions, both positive and negative. I 100% agree that positive writing helps me focus on that, and is a step above writing to get out the negative. But when i’m down, all my writing stops. I can’t write poems of hope and happiness, nor of tears and fears. Not at ALL taken liek mussar. To take the time to send that post shows support! I wish i could apply it, but right now its a point for me to put on hold til i get that back. Thank you.
here’s 2 versions of a poem i wrote at the end of HS. the shorter one was to all classmates and was the part of a packet i gave to all classmates that included the names of all the girls in our class grouped by which sem they went to and the address+phone number of each seminary. the second longer one was to my close friends and was included in a gift for that person.
short version:
Can you believe four years are gone?
Our years together are second to none
We did lots together and had much fun
We shared many memories, tons, and tons
A period of our lives is now at the close
When this happened, no one knows
It came so suddenly, we all say
We wish is would not be this way
The time has come for use to go
Our own ways, to the unknown
But all together, we can win,
Stay connected, be close as kin
Attached here is a simple list
Read it once, you’ll get the gist
Keep in touch, once in a while,
Long version (and more personalized version)
The time has come for use to go
Our own ways, to the unknown
We leave our school to go away,
To a new life, to all new days.
Seminary is but a place to grow
To listen, to take in, and to know
Some may party, some may study
But all are going to have some buddies
We were like one for many years
Shuffles and mixes, moves near and far
We had our group, our circle of friends
But we never thought that this would end
A period of our lives is now at the close
When this happened, no one knows
It came so suddenly we all say
We wish it would not be this way
Please give us a little more time
To gather some gems we may find
Some pearls of Chachma, some diamonds of Binah
We missed out so much, Hashem Yishmor
You’ve helped me with everything, it shows you care
I could not have done this journey without you
How can I ever thank you?
I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
You don’t sound like a bad friend, you sound like a normal person. A long time ago, I used to take private swimming instruction and when I was learning how to float, the instructor would “hold” me. When she switched hands, I reached out to grab her. Right now a support system that you’ve come to know and trust is “switching hands”. Its completely normal to feel what you are.
Writing is a release of emotion, but if you have an “emotion eraser”, that would be great. Maybe thats music, exercise, drawing, cooking etc. but something that gets your mind away from the serious things. If you are looking for a “pick-up” song, one of my favorites is “You’re Never Alone” by Avraham Fried.
Wish I could give you a real hug now. I know PE already offered, but my email address is available too.
Keep going. It can and will IY”H get better. 🙂
Guess having gone under the water and panicked before makes me more scared. Piano is my escape, but unfortunately not available at night when i need it most usually. Interesting though, cuz most ppl tell me that i can use piano to calm myself etc but i should more importantly write to work through the emotions… Thanks for the email offer, but same answer right now.
Beware PE and kapusta, i might just take you up on your offer one day!
I miss hugs, I do
And i guess kisses too
i don’t get enough
but i need them, don’t you??
the warmth of the feeling
the showing the caring
it doesn’t suffice
in just mentally knowing
i need to be shown
i need it to be said
to feel the embrace
or the stroke on my head
Wish i could say that
to those who could give it
but the need to be shown
not all believe it
the last time i asked
i turned someone away
scared them off
in discomfort, they say
i remember when i’d
leave home every day
with a kiss, and at nite
a hug with me would stay
how i long for that
to have a bit once again
from a mentor who knows
my true pain, or a friend…….
Saysme – My dad said his dad never showed affection, so my dad used to touch, hug, kiss us everytime we passed by him. I try hard to do the same to my kids. I know this wont help your current need but I’ll make all of tomorrows hugs in your zchus, and I will daven that you get it back tenfold.
when will the tears stop?? Never??
I want to just be happy for her. I AM so happy for her! But i need her :(. She’s my best friend, she’s closer than any sister could be. She knows me inside and out, understands me, gets me. I don’t wanna lose this friendship :'(. I don’t know how to cope with these emotions. Shes the most special, sensitive, caring, kindest, encouraging, understanding friend. Before her i didn’t know such a friendship could exist and its not one i think can be replicated ever. And now i’m losing her. And i can’t stop crying. I get teary just thinking about it and keep bawling myself to sleep. How long wll this go on? Or will it not stop til she’s married and i adjust? Or til i numb to it? My emotions are on overdrive. I miss her so much already. All the conversations i was waiting to have-will they ever happen now? All the advice i was waiting for the right time to ask-now i’ll have to navigate alone? Or will i now need real help. Thats what every
one else thinks now… A year and a half ago we began learning mussar sefer together. Every night we learn together and then t
alk, generally for at least an hour, often more. And yom tov aside we rarely miss a day. Maybe once every month or two. And now that’s all gonna stop! I won’t even know what to do with myself in the evening! Its been for talking for a couple of years now! I’m losng so much of myself too! My daily learning, my ruchni role model, my friend, my support, my daily lift no matter what happened. I’m not ready to lose her or our friendship. I don’t want to ever!!! :'( :'(
My email is definitely available, whatever you want is fine.
If you’ve had some experiences in the water, then use this thread as a life jacket.
IMO, writing is a good, healthy release of emotion, but that said, I think sometimes the best answer is an escape where you can walk away from the emotions for a little bit. Maybe thats a book, listening to music, cleaning (!) whatever it is, something that will keep your mind off things. And then once you’re calmer, you can write to get the emotion out. Just my opinion.
I hope today was a better day, and tomorrow, better still.
🙂
(I wrote this before I saw you’re last post- gonna add a little now.)
I also know the feeling of close friends getting engaged/married. Right now is probably when it’ll be hardest because she’s in a just engaged mode and you’re (very reasonably) in a “losing her” mode. Things will adjust (and get easier IY”H) soon. Change isn’t always easy but it doesn’t have to be bad.
I’m sorry, I know that sounds very cold. Keep in mind that the way He sent you such a close friend, He’ll send you another support system.
*hug*
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