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Rabbi Daniel Machanic is fantastic. You can ask him any question in the world, and he will explain it to you in a way thats really easy to understand. Dont be afraid to ask but be sure you are to the right person.
BS”D
You should not be struggling alone (and of course you are never alone because Hashem is with you all the time). But is there someone you can reach out to in “real” life? Of course we are all here for you but you can probably find someone to talk to in confidence, either in person, or by phone or messenger software.
Where are you located? In a large community or are you one of a few frum people where you live?
Teenager: i was only teasing. go back to your previous post you spelled some words with the right letters but in a mixed order.”ebing-being, jsut-just,abdly-badly”.So i was JUST BEING nice and feeling BADLY for you and wanted to correct them:-)
teenager–being alone–that’s tough. I hope you can find someone who can give you the kindness you need, and show you how special you are. The fact that you keep picking yourself up is admirable in and of itself. Try to find someone who you respect that will carry the burden, and guide you on the path of growth and true self worth. Much hatzlocha.
I am. So what?
What you can do the next time you have someone stare at you, you could just stare right back at them, until they look away. Also, try tricking your brain into thinking it’s something positive. For instance, think, wow I must be beautiful, and that’s why people can’t take their eyes off me. You can also go right up to them and say, I’m sorry, but do I have a booger in my nose? Turning this uncomfortable situation into something positive and/or comical makes it all the easier to handle.
Things are actually pretty bad, but hopefully going up.
-teenager
I hope things keep heading upwards. Its good to have you back in the CR!
Teenager: don’t worry i’ll live with your typo-errors, I’m more worried about your happiness than that.But i can’t help myself if i saw the same type of errors in this post! Not that you spelled them wrong but you mixed up the order.
Yoshi I’m legit cracking up from u!
BS”D
Hmmmm….is there a rebbetzin, perhaps a baalas tshuva or someone who went through yesurim herself and overcame them, who you can speak to? Indeed, most organizations have trouble dealing with someone who does not fit their usual profile because they have already assisted hundreds of people fitting that profile and have never really helped anyone like you (even if they would really like to be there for everyone). But somewhere, usually outside the organizations, there is someone you can speak to who can help you and guide you from ahavas Yisroel and a sense of identifying with you.
OK now I am going into tough territory and I hope I am handling this right (I have done some volunteer counseling myself online and semi-anonymously so I have some experience especially as I myself was off for a long time):
If you are bothered by people staring at you, ask yourself why.
If you think that they know you and see you as strange and different because you went off, and you are now sincere about coming back, pay them no attention and just think that they are rude and crude. (Reminds me of a not so polite rhyme/song I made up about real or imaginary people who don’t like the fact that I wear a full beard which was really about not being ashamed of keeping the mitzvos behiddur…I won’t share it here b/c it would be censored LOL).
If you are being stared at because of your dress and you feel ready to return to the right path, be triply careful about tznius.
Then you can say to yourself that if someone is staring at you, it is because you are a good example and that his reason for staring is a good one.
Hate to make this public, but ALL guys notice girls at some time – we can’t always keep our heads down or out to the road/wall because we occasionally have to cross busy streets and we have to pay attention to pedestrians when driving. But a good guy will look at a girl who is improperly dressed and, if she is Jewish and known to be same, pity her and not think much of her except that she has fallen. On the other hand, when a nice guy sees a nicely and properly dressed girl especially nowadays when girls are not as careful as they should be, his thoughts are not improper – he thinks, hmmm…someone is doing what she should and is a good example (and if he knows who you are he may just have a shidduch for you LOL).
Teenager – I am sure you are well aware you need to live your life for today and not worry about tomorrow or what happened yesterday.
You need to focus on getting through one day at a time. You need to sit down, pen in hand and write down something to do today and then aim to try and acomplish that. Just going to the park, the zoo, a mall – anything. But it will be one aim and one goal and you will do that one thing. After a while you can start to look at what you will do tomorrow in much the same way. From that you can build.
You say you are alone. In reality we are all alone inasmuch as we are all individual people with our own brain and with that brain we make the choices that control our livves. Some people’s brain though for one reason or another are a little more hazey and less focused. So in order to clear the fog in your brain, just try to focus on one day and one goal for one day and only when you are confident move on to tomorrow.
You will get there in the end. Try to stay focused
Itzik: nicee lol, and its not bc she’s not snuit, she said her parents don’t no so obviously it can’t be sniut bc they WOULD no!! Right??
BS”D
SyrianSephardi:
From Teenager’s posts, I have no idea what her relationship is with her parents or how strict they are in their practices. As I really want to see if I can find her someone who can help, I will look at them more closely tomorrow before Shabbos B”N.
Teenager:
I can’t promise anything but if you would like to communicate with someone via the Internet I will try to find you that someone who can help. I don’t want you to reveal your location to me; I’d rather find you someone online and then perhaps that person will know someone locally who can help (or perhaps Hashem will guide me to someone who turns out to live a few hundred meters away from you).
Does the person have to davka be from the same segment of frumkeit/same community that you are from? I am a Lubavitcher (of the very “chassidish” type) but I am less than 2 degrees of separation from Yidden all over the spectrum especially when it comes to people who can elevate the communications technology that Hashem revealed by using the Internet and phone/messenger software to help others.
Regarding the staring, I am speaking about ehrliche guys.
However, I have also met decent frum men who have a big yetzer when it comes to staring and the like and even making comments. Pay them no attention; it is their yetzer at work and they rarely act on this in any way. Sometimes it is just hard for a man or bochur to avoid looking – if it bothers you and occurs in a particular situation such as chassunes or restaurants/pizza shops/shopping on your local main street then perhaps it is best for you to be in a group and not alone when in that situation.
(again I am in very dangerous territory) If you are considered very attractive and the staring bothers you, much as I hate to say it, perhaps avoid makeup and jewelry or wear shapeless clothing of the sort you would wear at home or to the gym so as to avoid any unpleasant eye contact. The message you will then be conveying is that you don’t want anyone looking at you and that you want to be ignored. In that case also choose glasses over contacts if you need eye correction (which you should do anyway if you are active in any way be it sports, cooking or manual hobbies. I had a mishap with Liquid-Plumr before Pesach a couple of years ago and I would have lost my right eye if I had not taken my Rebbe’s advice and gone ahead and worn contacts – instead all that happened is that I damaged the coating on my old right eyeglass lens).
But do not think every man is a potential abuser; I can’t imagine what you have gone through and can therefore understand your fear and lack of comfort, but not every man is a menuval.
Again I wish you the best and I would like to help in some small way if I can.
Teenager-your log in name shows us all that you have a whole life ahead of you. You shared in your last post some horrific things you have been through, and you NEED a woman in your life who you can look up to, trust with all the pain you’ve been through, and can guide you in a way that can help you understand the true essence of inwardness (aka tznius). Have you ever contacted Nefesh, Ohel, The Yittie Leibel Helpline, or maybe even a high school teacher of yours that you admired for her sensitivity?
This isn’t something that you should go at alone, and what you went through is not something you should EVER have to experience again.
I know of some wonderful teenagers who have been where you are and are now very successful, beautiful, ruchniusdik young women, who are on a path upwards, and continue strengthening a kesher with their mentors, and who are very fulfilled.
Please, please, consider doing this, and believe that Hashem does have someone out there who can guide you, care for you, and be there when you need them.
teenager: my heard goes out to you!!! like ames i wish i could do more to help you!!! may hashem give you the strength to keep going on & help you!!! i really wish i could help you more, keep strong!!!
teenager: wow, it’s truly amazing, how even when you fall you’re still trying to climb back up. i think we could all learn a lesson from you. good luck
syriansephardi– I respect your concern, but please be cautious about being judgemental on such a serious and sensitive issue. There’s no reason to believe that you know teenagers relationship status with anyone including parents. Let’s continue the supportive words that are needed in this thread.
Dearest Teenager: My heart it breaking for you and your pain, I admire your courage to be open about your situation even in an anonymous place like the cr. I do hope that you are in therapy, if not…I’m sure we can find a place for you that is free as well as anonymous. I know that day to day life must be hard for you but…I feel like for someone in your matzav..think of yourself like your whole life is just 24 hours long. when you wake up in the morning you are a new person with a new life…..(sounds silly but not really it’s just a coping tactic) From your posts i can see that you are not public with your family about what happened to you and I feel for you…believe me I know what it’s like to no be able to talk to the people you are closest (or would like to be) with….for whatever reason it may be, I’m sure yours is good, for you, for now…. have you ever considered rachels place, it would mean that you would need to go public on some level but there are other girls there like yourself. Just something to think about…for when you are ready. Till then I wish you only bracha and hatzlachah and please know that you are in our prayers. Hashem has his reasons and although we can’t understand them we have to live with the fallout of some of his descisions, know that we are here and will do what we can to help you make some sense of it all. You have your whoel life ahead of you…so let’s make it a great one. Good Shabbo
Teenager, please ignore those well meaning people who really don’t know what you’ve been through.
Please ‘listen’ to me. I want you to go out when you can and look at four different types of trees / flowers or plants and write back to me what you saw. Look at the colours and the many different hues, look at their height. Take it all in and write back to me a one paragraph essay on what you saw. Then I’l reply to you again.
Head up high, you can get through this as I said one day at a time.
BS”D
Teenager, I am so sorry that I did not understand who it was that abused you; I might have spoken differently. I’m not interested in bringing anyone down or making you have negative feelings; I only want your special neshomo to heal and I want to try to help with that in some small way. Anyway, what is important is that YOU realize that you are a real bas Melech and that you are not worthless.
During the wilder times in NY, I was robbed once because I had a space between my window gate and my window that a scrawny little crackhead could and did get through . In Moscow some lowlife used a screwdriver and chewing gum to pick my lock. Was it my fault? NO!! And I know my stuff when it comes to issues of home repair; you could say I should have known better. But so what?? There is no reason why I or any other decent law abiding citizen should have to live in fear and have to worry that a good lock can be picked. But some people do evil and no matter how innocent or careful you are, they will do what they will do. That does not mean you are worthless. It means that they did evil.
Don’t worry about what you did during your hardest times. No one will hold it against you; and if you feel that they do, perhaps you can go to another community where people will only know who you are now and that you are growing any minute. I was away 7 years, came back, and I have trouble getting people to believe I was away 7 years (and the person who caused me the trouble that mistakenly convinced me to go off suffered very badly around that time and is now suffering again as the financial crisis will soon strip him of his ill gotten position of power whereas BH I am finding ways to be one of the ones who profits from the crisis as the cards are reshuffled).
AS for the message of how to find me, it did go through but it probably looked complicated so I’ll make your life even easier. If I find someone to help you, and I will do my best starting tomorrow afternoon when my US contacts are online or reachable, I’ll open up and post an anonymous, fresh Hotmail or similar account where you can reach me (and where I can have a notification in my toolbar or browser that you sent me a message so I answer ASAP). OK :)!
One more thing – about moving. Are you pre-sem age, after sem, or still in high school? If you feel everyone is looking at you, maybe you can go somewhere else as I did when I came back so you are with new people. If you can go to sem far away, or find a job out of town, or if college is OK in your circles, etc etc etc that may help you a lot. Away can even be a few subway or train lines away – it does not have to be a flight away.
A gute voch and a gute choidesh. Hashem is really on your side because He sees how much you suffered yet how much you want to do the right thing. He will send you the right message and the right messenger to help you get over this and serve Him besimcha again while you reach the highest heights!
itzik_s: we cannot post email address’s but if both of you send an email to one of the mods, we can hopefully pass on the proper information. You can reach me at: [email protected].
YW Moderator-55
Teenager–thanks for the clarification. I see what you mean about the tznius not being the problem at hand. I would like to reiterate though, if there is somehow a way to get a woman in your life who you can trust, and build a relationship with face to face, it would be quite healing. It is so brave of you to find the strength you have to get back on track, and build, and what I find especially touching is the way you understand the pain of other teens and how they need someone in their life to understand them.
It is a great mitzva to inspire others to help those who need it and you are doing just that right here by giving us the insight you have, and asking us to be sensitive to someone who might come our way.
Keep striving for what it is that will give you the strength to grow and realize your amazing self worth.
yankya, i can’t believe i’m actually asking this, but do you know how i could get in touch with these programs? or maybe another one? i googled but i’m not really interested in going to a real meeting. but i would try something online.
i can’t believe i’m going to press “send post”
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