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Is approaching a person completely out of the question?
SF: Approaching is fine. Going on a date just because someone approached you is not fine.
Had someone ever done that, I would have told them the name of someone to contact to set up the shidduch, and made it go through normal shidduch channels.
Attraction is important, but you don’t want to lose sight of the essential foundations of a long term relationship in your initial attraction. I think the ability to research and match hashkafos is a wonderful aspect of the shidduch system, as well as the ability to say no gracefully after one or two dates, which minimizes premature emotional investment.
Therefore, even if you meet by yourselves, I think it’s important to use a shadchan and do research.
“Approaching is fine.”
You agreed that suggestion was only a weak b’dieved.
A weak bedieved is fine in a situation where a weak bedieved is the most compelling option. It is not out of the question.
Yet you’re only adding that major qualification when challenged. Otherwise your comments could easily be read, and would easily be understood as originally written, to be supporting a boy approaching a girl and asking her out. Even if the alternative is not snapping an unauthorized photograph.
You’re asking a good question. There’s a fine line between being untznius, and pursuing something that has a chance of working out.
So to clarify, it would be fair to say that you support someone asking out a girl he sees in public, with the only major qualification that he feels there’s a chance of it working out?
LAB, the issue isn’t as black and white as you’re making it out to be. “Asking out” can mean anything from asking for his/her number to go on a date, which I think is inappropriate, to asking for his/her Rebbetzin’s contact information so he can find out more about her, which I think is fine. I neither support nor oppose asking out in either situation.
Hashem has His ways of getting people together who are meant for each other.
Provided both parties follow the spirit and practice of halacha, there is no reason this can’t work out.
Is this different than someone marrying their friends’ sibling, which happens pretty frequently? This just requires more carefulness and tznius to ensure the initial impression holds up.
SF: Approaching is fine. Going on a date just because someone approached you is not fine.”
I think approaching someone (in a respectable place and in a respectful way) is perfectly fine. I FURTHER think that if the person would like to go out with you (after her ascertaining from a decent amount of conversation that you are probably not an ax murderer or something), that it would be ok to go out for coffee or the like and thereafter make your inquiries. Both parties should keep it VERY public, and not give out more personal info than that with which you are both comfortable.
I have made no secret of the fact that I do not believe that everything has to always go through a shadchan, necessarily. People who are mature enough to be getting married, SHOULD be mature enough to assess whether or not they want to go out with someone whom they happen to meet. Sometimes THAT is the bashert thing that is meant to be (Yaakov and Racheyl meeting at the well) and happen in that way. We don’t always get a second chance.
Just want to mention that even the poskim who are machmir on taking pictures of someone so that you can find out who they are and see if you can date them; are maikil if it is at Amuka.
OK Heres a question: would the ladies of the coffee room rather a guy have an old yeshivish car or a new car?? and why??
They would rather you have a new car, but would have been willing to live with an old one. And by “would have been willing” they mean, if they want the new one. And the explanation is, it’s a lot easier to would have done it than to do it.
live right: So random people just walk up to you on the street and ask you out right there? This happens at least once a week? I don’t believe you. You’re a troll.
I have never in my life had a new car (married 36 years), and drive a ’91 camry. You drive what you can afford to buy. Would I prefer a new car? Of course I would. Less likely to break down as mine always does, and safer options installed. There is no shame in driving an old car, but as Tevye says, “it’s no great honor, either.” There is no honor in a Yeshivah boy b’davka driving an old clunker. But if he cannot afford a new one, he should stick to what he CAN afford. A girl who is impressed by fancy cars and woudl reject a wonderful young man for not having one,is lacking IMO.
Brony: Yes. Torah learning and financial stability.
Self-confidence easily becomes arrogance, which is off-putting to the best girls.
There is a HUGE difference between self-confidence and arrogance. Most people can tell the difference, I think.
Working a on shidduch right now where the boy (good, solid boy, in yeshiva) saw a girl who seemed to be what he was looking for. He didn’t go over to her, didn’t speak to her. Just asked me, a family friend of the girl, to get her resume, hear what she’s looking for, etc. As someone who know both parties, it can definitely be shayach. It was done in a very nice way, with nothing inappropriate. We shall see what happens!
Being confident enough to approach girls in the street is actually gayva but you wouldnt understand that.
What do boys dream, think and imagine about?
PSA: If you’ve never been approached in the street, you are ugly.
Or ussually 4yr. Olds don’t get dating requests in the street, that why no one has asked ME yet.
Another question: What do guys think about girls who use men’s products such as deodorant, body wash or shampoo? I personally hate smelling like strawberries, cocoa butter or orchids so I resort to men’s stuff, but do guys think that’s weird or are you all used to it?
I like smelling like strawberries and stuff, mens products have such a strong disgusting smell. The only rrason why society makes them use such smelly things is cuz nothing else will cover up their reek.
Well someone did tell me the other day that I smell like a Mexican, but I didn’t take it to heart cuz it was my darling sister who said that…. I guess I’m just not the peaches and cream type of gal, but I don’t use men’s product to cover up my non-existent reek. I just don’t like smelling like fruits and flowers. So maybe it’s a good thing we don’t know each other in real life, maybe we wouldn’t get along that well in the end…. 😉
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