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I came back from seminary, and my younger sister litrally resents me in the house!!!! I can’t take it anymore…
She feels she has to compete with my clothing styles, act as if I’m not there by taking charge of the house when my parents are not around… feels she cant partake in a family outing if i come along for the ride, cause she feels she belongs in the front seat and can’t be seen for what ever reason in the back…
I feel I should just move out… I don’t belong here anymore!!!!!
Yomtov cooking, she litrally takes over the kitchen… I’m not jelous of her, I just want to belong in my place!! if I ask her to do sth, she insists that I ask her nicely… even though i ask her in a decent normal manner!!! I litrally need another place to go!!!! and fast!!!
Does anyone have any ADVICE????!!! I’d be more than happy to hear!!!
Realize that in her mind, you ‘ran away’ and left her to take on all your responsibilities in addition to her own. Now that you’ve returned, it’s not so easy for her to just relinquish those responsibilities and the residual power that came along with it.
You must give it time. It’s very hard to go from top dog to second-in-command.
smick, I do not mean to insult you at all here I just know that this happened in my family when my siblings came home from seminary.
They acted like they were frummer than the rest of the family, that they had to “pasken” all of our sheilos and that we had to change the way we do everything in our house because we do it ‘wrong’. I don’t know if you’re doing this but if you are, that might be the reason she is acting strangely to you. I could totally be off base here but just something to think about.
Good luck and hope it all works out!!!
i say take her out for a good time and get some bonding time in to show you are not looking to step on any toes and you just want to be her older sibling. that’s what i did with my younger sister. on top of that, i also let her know that i am not coming back and re-claiming anything, and that i just wanted to help.
😀 Zuberman! 😀
its so funny, i just went through the same thing. ive been dorming in yeshiva, first in america and then in EY for about 4 years. when i came home engaged and spent two months at home my sisters acted as if i had no right to be in the house!! they consistently told me that things had changed;they were the booses and i better stay out of their way!! little shnooks. gaarrrrr!!!!!
Does anyone else have advice??
Normally, I’d suggest you speak to her directly. It sounds like you’re both running into the same issue: who’s the “senior” person.
Since this is your mom’s house, I’d suggest you involve her in this. Let her know from your perspective what’s been going on. Your mom, presumably, sets the house rules:who sits in the front seat, who’s in charge in the kitchen, etc. Time for your mom to take control back. Sounds like your sister is acting like your home is HER domain, therefore, I think it’s time for your mom to remind her it’s her own domain, and how she’d like the two of you to act and share responsibilities and privileges. Ideally, this would have been worked out between the two of you prior to your trip to Eretz Yisroel, but since it was not, now would be a good time as any to re-establish those roles and boundaries and practice living them. Your mom might have to put her in her place. It sounds like you’ve tried peaceful methods.
I’m sure they’ve picked up on your attitude, which is pretty clear from the title you gave to this blog. Remember that you left and she had to step into your shoes and be the “big sister” now for a whole year. I’m sure it felt pretty good since she’s been in your shadow all this time. It was her time to shine. She’s not ready to relinquish that spotlight now and just let you come back and take over like in the old days before sem. I would sit down, maybe like yossi z. said, in her favorite restaurant/coffee shop/ice cream store, have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know how you’re feeling and ask her how she would like to handle the situation. I hope that if she hears that you are willing to listen to her take on the situation it might help her back down from the defensive position she’s sitting in. The best defense is an offense, so that’s what she’s been trying to do since you came home – push you out so that you can’t take over. Hopefully if you can talk it out (with you doing a lot of listening), you can restore some sholom bayis to your house. I have heard that getting along with your living partners (siblings, roommates, etc) is a segulah for getting along with your spouse. Try to make it work out, the effort will be worthwhile.
Noone else seems to have anything else to add… I guess not many people go through this, or maybe I’m mistaken….
Smick, lots of people have helped you. A “thank you” would be nice. JMO.
Time for a family conference.
There’s something disturbing about the “pecking order” that seems understood and accepted here. Where are parents to encourage each child to shine and prevent one from domineering while the others cower? How about each sibling learning to respect the others?
thank-you everone with your advice in this matter. I REALLY do appreciate it!!
Why would your sister want to spend time with someone who considers her “annoying?” And unappreciative?
The best way to create loving feelings ???? is through ???, giving. Just give her unconditionally without expecting anything. Be positive and appreciative of the things she does do, and in time be”H you’ll both be able to begin a new chapter.
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