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Hey everyone!So i didn’t check to see if this topic came up before–sorry if it did. I’ve been following the coffee room for a while and finally made my own account cuz there was something i wanted to hear everyone’s opinion on.
I was recently speaking to a 19 year old girl and the question that she seems to get from a few people is “what’s the oldest age you would go out with?” She doesn’t want to put a cap on anything cuz you never know where your bashert comes from…
whats everyone’s take on this?
The guy should be, at max, 10 years older than her.
B”H barriers are falling. I’ve seen so many “mismatched” shidduchim recently – 22 boy w/24 yr girl 29 yr old/18 yr grl 23 yr by/25 grl – all off the top of my heard within the last half year. Within reason, you can afford to be flexible.
She shouldn’t be dating at all. By dating she is creating agunos. What a cruel game.
My take is that she’s smart in not limiting herself
The problem with hard caps is that they might prevent someone from going out with someone with whom they might hit it off.
I was speaking with a woman (yes, I know I’m going to hell for it) a while back about what she was looking for in a shidduch. She listed off a number of things including an age range of 25-35.
I then asked her if she met someone who was 36, but met all the other criteria would she consider it? After saying that she would, she then agreed that she didn’t have an absolute age cap.
Age certainly should be a factor and, I suppose, there must be a point where age is an absolute deal breaker (I don’t see a 19-year old going out with a 70-year old man regardless of any other factors). Nonetheless, while I one can have an age range, no one should reject someone solely because they fall a bit out of that range.
The Wolf
2-3 years, and I’m flexible on who is the older one too. There is no reason a 23/24 y/o boy should only see as his peer a 19 y/o girl
To The Wolf: you’re married so you’ll go to an outer circle of purgatory. But you’ll be in the good company of all the men (and women) of the CR, won’t you.
Wolf i agree that that one shouldn’t make a limit but there is a general range that most ppl would marry. You mentioned a 19 year old and a 70 year old. Thats extreme. But what about a 19 year old and a 29 yr. old? Yes i know there are ppl like that who do get married but generally thinking- Its a totally different age gap one is closer to 20 and the other is closer to 30. Im not putting a cap on age though if a shidduch is redt and the boy is 7 plus yrs older than me i wont be too quick to consider…
P.S. can you use the word gehinim instead of______? I have sensitive ears:)
I know a very succesful marriage of a 55 year old widower with a 25 year old never married woman. They had 3 children. (He had 7 children beforehand as well.)
helpful:
imo, that age gap is sick! and more than that, the life experience differential is way too much. methinks there’s something you don’t know.
mox: Thanks. its taken a lot of hard work but B”H results are being seen.
AZ- welcome back! Yeah this thread is right up your ally…:)
Yenta:
I know it inside out. A beautiful Yiddishe marriage and large misphacha. With beautiful frum children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.
helpful:
imo, that age gap is sick! and more than that, the life experience differential is way too much. methinks there’s something you don’t know.
Marriages like that could work… but they are surely the very rare exception rather than the norm. You cannot make general rules from the exceptions — and certainly not from the very rare ones.
The Wolf
With beautiful frum children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.
Obviously, then, this marriage occurred at least 70+ years ago. Things may well have been different then as well and the conditions then may not have been the same as contemporary conditions regarding expectations in marriage.
The Wolf
squeak, would you care to explain urself?
I don’t know, when I was barely 20 I went out with a boy (? he’s not really a ‘boy’ anymore) who was 28 going on 29. I have been described as mature by most people who meet me, which is why the shidduch was redt. I was really uncomfortable with it from the outset, but people told me not to limit myself. So I went out with him once, and I was still uncomfortable, so I said no (he said yes).
My parents have an age gap of 10 years, but at this point I can’t see myself with someone more than 6 years older than me… obviously, it depends on the person, so I won’t put a hard cap, but I’m very hesitant to go out with someone who’s a lot older.
If you feel uncomfortable with a particular person, that’s reason to hesitate or say no. But that says nothing about the possibility of a person you may meet sometime in the future.
When I was growing up it was assumed that the husband would be supporting his wife. Therefor the boy need to be a little older as he had to have work experience. But now that the wife is supporting it is better if she had some work experience.
Age shouldn’t matter but a 60 year old with a 20 year old is a no no. Sooner or later the attraction will wear off and then there will be trouble
I went out with a guy who was 24, and I was 18. I am considered ‘mature’ but still, it was uncomfortable. I said no after a few dates, even though he was interested. I don’t know why men always want younger and younger girls. It’s definitely contributing to the whole “crisis”.
I would also think that men wouldn’t want a girl who is fresh out of high school or sem when they are more grown up. I’d want someone within 2 or 3 years of my age, because as much as people think it doesn’t matter, it does. Priorities and interests change as you get older. Especially when you’re young each year makes a really big difference.
About the 25/55 year old marriage, good for them for making it work! But I wouldn’t believe they have too much in common.
They had very much in common.
19!?!? She’s but a babe! People need to live life on their own a little and learn what they want out of life before they get married. Imho, I don’t think driving from your high school graduation ceremony straight to your wedding is a good thing.
If she’s old enough and competent to drive a multi-ton moving vehicle capable of great harm and damage, she should certainly be ready for marriage. Back in the good ‘ole days, and not all too long ago at that, we used to get married not long after bar/bas mitzvah. One should surely not wait long after high school graduation to move on to the next phase in life.
In any event, the girl referred to in the OP is at least 23 by now and hopefully has received several mazal tovs already.
Curiosity, in the yeshivish world, 19 is considered a normal age to get married- young, but normal.
I started dating at 19 1/2 when I was a full year back from seminary. At that point, I had a full year of college and full-time work experience under my belt. I was young, but not too young to have an understanding of the world and an idea of what I wanted out of life.
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