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(another real, earnest one)
Someone, anyone, please offer pointers, tips, or help in general. (as I wrote, this one’s for real (for a change) – please no prying)
Toad’ah Rabbah
Empty nest prevention? If you have a daughter lose to this new child’s age, how does that help empty nest prevention? If your child is feeling jealous, I’d suggest you carefully monitor your behavior towards the new child, as you must be showering extra attention on her in order to make her feel welcome, while your own child is perhaps being treated in a somewhat less attentive manner.
gosh franco, please don’t ever consider going into the mental health field.
LF – if you are serious, and if you are interested, I do have a friend who has added two little ones to her own 5 (13 and under). I would be happy to facilitate a supportive connection under these very unusual circumstances.
I’d suggest you carefully monitor your behavior towards the new child, as you must be showering extra attention on her in order to make her feel welcome
That’s actually a good thing.
What needs to be monitored is that Froggie’s daughter is getting extra attention.
I was in a similar situation this year taking in a little boy….
could be that children that age (9) get possessive envious etc. I found that speaking to my daughter about the “wheel of fortune” sometimes we are givers sometimes we may be in need… was helpful.
chazak Veematz
tizku lemitzvos
you should be gebenshte
going along with what YesOrNo said (and I repeat his brochos to both of you) I think communication is key. I don’t know what kind of communication you have with your children but it would be beneficial to talk to your daughter about her being your flesh and not at risk of losing her “place”. In words she can understand – let her know that you want her to partner with you in making this other girl feel welcome. Let her know that it is really hard to share the people you love but that no matter how much you give to this “newcomer” it will take nothing away from your love for her. And let her know that you understand it sometimes feels hard or she may feel jealous so she can always come to you for an extra special hug. But let her know that when she is feeling like acting out it may be because she is feeling bad inside and she should come to you instead of acting out because you want to hear about how she feels.
These may sound “lofty” for a child that age, but truly they are feelings and thoughts she may surely have and she will get it. It can give her the assurance she needs and the safety net (knowing she is allowed to feel anxious and ask for an extra hug). These are conversations I have had with children that age on their level, and you would be surprised how much it helps them to know that they are understood, and are not “bad” for wanting their “life” back.
Children understand so much more than we give them credit for and so many of their difficult behaviors or anxieties come from things we never would think of discussing with them. It is great for them to learn to be in touch with themselves as well as connecting with an adult for support.
SL is so right
its happening cause your daughter feels that now your spending much less time with her & giving her much less attention which she dearly needs for a kid her age.
make time for each of them for personal attention & love
A nine year old is a NINE year old! How on earth SHOULD she feel????? She didn’t ask your you to bring in her replacement (and that is probably exactly how she feels). It’s a truly noble thing you have done,but she is your first priority. Please don’t let her get lost in the shuffle. Chessed is a wonderful and meaningful thing, but not when it comes on the “plaitzes” of your own very young child, who BTW, will not leave you as an empty nester B”EH for many years. You could all benefit from family counseling, in my opinion. I do admire your generous spirit that impelled you to do this.
In addition to what Syag said (very well put), if you haven’t contacted them yet, Ohel may have some ideas/resources for you to look into.
Wishing you much Hatzlacha in this amazing Chessed and continued bracha for you and your family.
You didn’t tell me not to look so I did. But you ask not to pry so I’ll try not to pry, Shy.
Anyhow, I think SL is right on about her feeling she is losing her place. Adults also feel that way often when an in-law moves in. However, rather than talking to her to try to understand, you should rather affirm her place with quality time.
Not wanting to lose your position is not a matter of Midos Tovos. As the Maharal writes, even the greatest Tzadikim did not like being put down. Think about the reaction of the ???? ??? ??? to Yehoshua’s confidential Nevua, and Rabbeinu Hakadosh — of whom it says ???? ??? ???? ????— when Rebbe Chiya told him that Rav Huna Reish Galusa is outside.
Just like no amount of Midos Tovos would cause you to enjoy getting hit, the same goes for becoming insignificant in some way.
Therefore, 1- reaffirm her importance with quality time, and 2- include her in the decision making process. This would avoid jealousy since she is not being brushed aside rather, on the contrary, getting a boost of confidence. Just like you are not jealous of a Kattan since it is through you, make it go through her.
This idea of including her in the decision making is also helpful for dealing with an ex-youngest. Don’t reach past him, reach through him.
HaLeiVi – thank you for the affirmation! I would want to jump in tho and restate that I think it would be a mistake to omit the explaining part. I think adults are mavens at leaving things unsaid when they shouldn’t. The reason i say it is important to be clear and verbal is because you can add all the “together time” you want and hope it will give the message you intend, but you never know what calculator the daughter is using. She may think you are giving equal time, or less time. She may think your hour at bed time isn’t quite parallel to the other girl’s 15 minutes at the library. It is important to just say, in words the girl will understand, that her spot is “set in stone”. Say it, don’t imply it. please.
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