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Many times it happens to me that when I do something which although might be totally unnecessary, but, however, is really nice & thoughtful for someone else (friend, neighbor, family member…) or a favor for them, yet they don’t bother to acknowledge anything about it. It can really be very upsetting, annoying or frustrating. So after a while if I see that they’re not saying anything about it, so I’ll ask them something about it. I always feel so hurt & stepped on.
Like why can’t people have the menschlichkeit to give a proper thank you or something to that effect? What does it take for people in general to make a person feel appreciated? If it’s a 5 or 10 minute phone call or a card in the mail, so how much effort does that take from a person?
I know & understand that many people are busy & somewhat harried in their busy schedules, but can a person not find those few minutes in their day when something of the like happens to pick up a phone & say for example I just wanted to thank you so much for___________ I appreciated it so much!! It was really thoughtful of you-I really enjoyed it!!!
Can someone give me insight/tips as to how do you people deal w/ these types of issue’s when they happen to you? How do you handle it? But only answer if you have good advice. Leave out the uncalled for comments, please.
Thank you
“I always feel so hurt & stepped on.”
You are correct that people should at least say “thank you,” but not everyone does.
-Try to do things that make you feel good about it even if you don’t get back the appreciation. If you are doing the deed just to get the appreciation, you may be disappointed.
-Tell them it seems as if they don’t like the job you’ve done for them and how would they have done it differently.
-Tell them calmly that you feel unappreciated when you do the good deeds without any positive feedback.
-If you’re asked to do another favor, let them know up front that you’d really like to, but it’s important for you to feel acknowledged and not taken for granted.
-If the recipient(s) not only do not acknowledge your efforts but actually give you grief, then you need to reevaluate if perhaps your energies are better used elsewhere.
I’ve done this myself right here in the cr and only post a fraction of what I used to.
Someone once said this
“If you have ZERO expectations, you’ll have ZERO disappointments”.
And internally, you can try to work on wanting to want to do chesed without acknowledgment. One of my favorite quotes is: Expect the worst, but hope for the best. Expect no recognition, while you hope they do. That way you won’t be as disappointed or let down when you get no feedback.
It is very frustrating though, i know. But if you feel angry after, then it’s not true chesed. It’s not worth doing for yourself if you feel taken advantage of. Hatzlocha!
Hummingbird, what you have brought up is very closely related to an essay I posted recently about being perceptive. From what you’ve said, I can see you are a very perceptive person and always looking out for things that can be done to help others. And the bottom line is, unfortunately, that most people aren’t that perceptive, and therefore, don’t notice the things you may do for them. I don’t think it’s that they’re unappreciative, I think they just may not realize the full extent of your chessed for them, and therefore don’t think of showing appreciation because of that.
Now, in terms of what can be done to help you in such situations, I think ayc’s suggestions are really good. It could be if you tell these people what you are doing for them, and show them how much you care for them, they will start realizing it more, and begin showing the appreciation you so deserve. That would help in your personal dilemma. But on a broader scale, I think the only way in general that people will begin to show appreciation and give thanks in these types of scenarios is if they become more perceptive to these things. It’s difficult, but I think everyone is capable of achieving it.
Here’s the thread I was referring to in case you want to look at it: http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/being-perceptive-its-amazing
You did something thoughtful because that’s the type of person you are. But keep in mind that not everyone is thoughtful like you so chances are you wont be getting a thank you.
Also, i while reading your post i kept thinking… does Hashem have the same question for us?
2qwerty, my thoughts exactly! Can you imagine how Hashem feels that WE his people take all the things he has given us for granted? Can you imagine if people do not have hakaras hatov for people who are doing nice things for them which are palpable and recognizable on the instant that it is done, kal v’chomer how can they possibly show the proper hakoras hatov to Hashem who gives them everything, life and breath itself?
Hummingbird, doing mitzvos and helping others in and of itself should make you feel good. That is what WE are supposed to do. Just knowing that you are doing the right thing should make you feel good. If you are thanked and appreciated that is the cherry on top. Seriously, don’t ruin the good feelings about doing the right thing be clouded by a receiver who forgot their part of the equation. After all when we do a good deed, or we help others we are not doing it for recognition, we do so because we are ovdei Hashem and we are here to please HIM and do his bidding. Know that every time you do a good deed Hashem says thank you and he bentches you for your kindness and generosity. If you can accept that then you won’t need thanks from anyone else. It still would be nice, but if it doesn’t come you won’t be so upset.
Hummingbird, keep doing nice things, as I am sure you will, because it helps make the world better in ways we may not even realize.
There may be a plethora of reasons someone does not acknowledge your thoughtfulness such as they are enjoying the good feeling as a break from the usual stress, and they forgot to show appreciation.
I would just add a piece of advice that I tell myself (when we are on speaking terms), which I read in Pirkei Avos. I am not wording it exactly, and I have to work on being more careful about not just remembering the concept, but also the exact wording. But it went like, “Dont do the good deed for the sake of the reward. Do the good deed ‘not’ for the sake of the reward. (Maybe someone can polish the wording up).
Continue doing what you are doing and know you are doing good things and Hashem is appreciative.
-If the recipient(s) not only do not acknowledge your efforts but actually give you grief, then you need to reevaluate if perhaps your energies are better used elsewhere.
Something happened a few days ago where I went out of my way to help someone and I felt very used. I decided exactly as you wrote, that if it bothers me so much, its better not to do it at all. But it’s still my problem. I was bothered by what she did, but if it wouldn’t bother me, I would still be doing the Chessed. (That was a question in statement form)
Also, i while reading your post i kept thinking… does Hashem have the same question for us?
Like they say, the truth hurts. Thank you for mentioning.
kapusta
“I was bothered by what she did, but if it wouldn’t bother me, I would still be doing the Chessed.”
-Tell them that although you enjoyed doing the chesed, when she did _____, it made you feel unappreciated and used. See how she responds. You need to communicate your stand on the event.
-Tell them calmly what it is you need from her so that you will feel more comfortable doing the chesed.
-You’d be amazed how some people just didn’t realize and immediately change their behavior. But if you still get grief, replace this chesed with another recipient. There is no shortage of need in this area. You mention Ohr Naava in other threads; there’s actually a special chesed coordinator there.
It shows a lot about your character, that you are bothered by the fact that you would still be doing her chesed.
Kol hakavod.
“Am I wrong in my feelings?”
Feelings are not wrong. Work with them.
When you respond to the simcha invitation with the finished product of your hard work, include a card “Your early response is greatly appreciated”
___ greatly appreciated the hours of hard work
___ moderately appreciated the hours of hard work
___ did not appreciate the hours of hard work at all
Additional comments:__________________
You may wish to include a self-addressed stamped envelope for the humorous spoof as well.
AYC-
Thank you for your reply. I don’t think it would work for her, and hopefully its more of a one time thing. I tried telling someone else, and it didn’t really help the situation.
Could you tell me a little more about the Ohr Naava thing?
Thanks for the last line. I needed it now. 🙂
Hummingbird
You’re quite welcome.
One thing I’ve learned in life is that you can’t live your life worrying about how others will react when you are doing nothing wrong. That would make it THEIR problem, not yours.
However, when you say “I’d feel so uneasy doing something like that”, that’s totally different.
Would you feel better with the following card:
The favor of an early response is greatly appreciated.
M__________
has _______ enjoyed this (time consuming) personalized message
Additional comments:___________________
You can add a smiley face on it.
How does this feel to you?
kapusta
You’re quite welcome.
Some people just don’t get it, that’s a given. At least you tried.
I’d love to give you the number of the chesed coordinator (it’s her cell number) but obviously I prefer not posting it here.
You really have such special qualities about you. No matter what you are going through, you have high standards. Just remember to focus on all the GREAT stuff going on in your life right now as well…
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
About the Ohr Naava thing, could you tell me a little more about what things it may involve? Also is there a way to contact her through email?
Thanks again.
Hummingbird, sorry for hijacking your thread. I feel for you :/
It is called to quote my shver, hakoras hatov to the Ribono Shel Olam & mi’maila hakoras hatov the people who after all are created be’tzelem Elokim.
I’m sorry I’ve taken so long in answering. I had a medium-sized post up last week which got lost (it never made it in).
I’m not sure what to answer. It bothers me when I watch someone hold open a door for the person behind, lend a pen etc and not get a thank you, so I’m kinda with you on this one. The only answer I can possibly give you is that people are human, and forget. I’m not saying its right, but it’s the way it is. I don’t believe people mean to be nasty or hurtful, but thats what happens. I don’t have any real practical solutions other than when you do something, do/give it in person so at least you get a thank you (which is probably better than nothing) and you won’t feel like your hard work went unappreciated.
One more thing; just because they didn’t call doesn’t mean it isn’t hanging on their dining room wall and they look at it every day. Even if they don’t say anything, don’t instantly think all your work was for nothing.
(Btw, you sound like an amazing person to do that. Do you do Pesukim specific to each person? If not, may I also suggest that you record the Pesukim for certain names instead of having to look each time.)
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