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LOL charlie! never heard that one!
myshadow
dont steal from matziv.com
a aferican american a jew and a pollak go it 2 a forest the aa brings a water bottle just in case he gets thirsty the jew brought food in case he got hungy the pollok broght a car door if its hot he can just roll down hte window.
tutzech, hey sorry wtvr I put here I got in emails, but omer davar bshem amro, jokes from matziv.com I guess!
A man is driving and out of nowhere a cat jumps in front of his car. He is unable to avoid hitting it and the cat was killed. He finds out where the cat’s owner lives and goes and knocks on the door.
A lady answers the door and the man quickly tells her what happened in a sad voice.
“I’m so sorry madam, but I just ran over your cat.”
He allows her a few moments to mourn over the cat and then he adds, “But I’d like to replace it”.
She wipes her eyes with a handkerchief and then looks up at him and says, “That would be fine, but how are you at catching mice?”
_______________
Anyone recognize that one?
squeak,
lol. It does sound slightly familiar but I have no idea where from.
America, Israel and Poland are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it’s going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 100 lb. TV and lounge chair. They approve.
The Israeli astronaut says, “I’ve always wanted to learn Shas. I want the 150 lb. Artscroll Shas to learn with.” The NASA board approves.
The Polish astronaut thinks for a second and says, “It’s gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made.” Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. The American steps out and begins discussing major sporting events from the last two years. The crowd cheers. The Israeli astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute drosho in absolutely perfect aramaic. The crowd doesn’t understand a word of it, but they’re impressed and they cheer.
The Polish astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
“Anybody got a match?”
******
A German walks onto a bus with a duck on his head and sits down next to a chasid.
The chasid asks “Where’d you get the pig?”
The German replied “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”
Said the chasid, “I was talking to the duck.”
(I thought I saw these here, but can’t find ’em.)
It’s December 24th in the middle of the mall and a group of children are lined up to talk to Santa Claus.
The first kid comes up to Santa and Santa says, “what is your name?”
“Johnny.”
“Johnny, how old are you?”
“Five.”
“Ok, Johnny, take a present from under the tree.”
The next kid comes up to Santa.
“What is your name?”
“Andrea, and I’m seven.”
“Andrea, you can take a present from under the tree.”
A third kid comes up to Santa.
Santa asks, “What’s your name?”
“Moshe ben Reb Yitzchak!”
“Nem tzvay,” Santa whispers. “Take two.”
UJM, u got a great supply!
brooklyn19: ha i like that one!!!
What’s white, black, and red all over?
Not a newspaper;a yeshiva bochur on his first date!
Brooklyn-
Here’s a story that actually happened 🙂
My grandfather (who wasn’t Frum) was in the mall during The Season, and saw all the kids on Santa’s lap, so he went too! So he was sitting there and Santa asked him, “So, what do you want for Crachsmuch?” to which my grandfather replied, “Well, actually, I’m Jewish.” So the “Santa” whispered to him, “So am I.”
🙂
Here’s another one that really happened.
A little girl asked her grandfather, “Whose teeth are those.” Pointing to his mouth.
To which the grandfather replied, “Mine, I paid for them…”
Mrs. Beautiful
Hey! My grandfather told that to my sister! She asked him how many of his teeth are really his and he said, “all of them. I paid for them!” Typical him! I didn’t know it was a known joke. I thought it was his original one!
lol seriously? well they say the jews hog the best jobs…
Mrs. Beautiful: LOL. Good line.
intellegent, maybe it started from him…
I doubt it. The first time I heard that joke, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
here is a good joke. aperson walked in to a bar. he said ow
Here’s another true one. I was trying to bribe a little 5 yr. old neighbor into a favor. I told her I would give her a glow in the dark sticker. She asked me to explain exactly how that works. After explaining how “glow in the dark” works, she asked me, “If I close my eyes, is that dark enough to see it glow?”
Mrs. Beautiful,
that is so cute! Kids come up with the funniest things.
mrs. beutiful: good line.
Mrs. Beautiful
ya never know! it’s a small world… It could be he heard the joke and used it but I always thought it was his. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it even if it wasn’t his original! 🙂 LOL!
Mrs. Beautiful,
that is sooooo cute! I can eat it up!
Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is NJ 🙂
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”
“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).
The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”
The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”
The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, in which it was about 130 degrees. They then turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to his office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, “The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,” on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi, and Max on the dashboard.
squeak…just read your post 2 weeks later…Mary Poppins! lol!
Squeak…was that roundabout the same time that the Dead Sea was ill?
A man dies and goes to heaven. In front of him was a large wall with clocks, each with a little name on it.
“What are those?” he asked G-d.
“Well, each time someone tells a lie, their clock moves a little bit.”
One was stopped- “That was was Washington’s, the first president of the USA. He almost never lied.”
“So where is Obama’s, our next president?”
“Oh, that one is in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan.”
David was out playing in his grandma’s backyard when she felt an earthquake.
“David” she yelled
“I didn’t do it” he answered
I posted such i nice joke last night why didn’t the mods put it on. If you don’t like the story with the wife change it for a shviger!
resubmit it with the changed words…. i need some humor in my life..
here goes: a man takes out a mortgage on his house when he can’t pay it the bank takes away the house and puts it up for foreclosure.His neighbor comes up and sees him crying “why so sad my friend?” he asks. The guy answers” A pity i didn’t take out a mortgage on my shviger!!”
Does anybody like my joke:-(
I just saw it… I LIKE IT!!! this should also be put under the shadchan-MIL joke forum…. people will get a kick out of it….
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the Branch and wrote this,
“Put
all your muny in
this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the
harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
havesomeseichel, im rolling about the fan joke!
<blushing>
im really really upset i wrote such a long joke today AND last night bc it wasnt posted and its STILL not posted!!! im very mad!!!! and theres nothing wrong with it!!! mods plz post it!!
sory you are upset but the answer is: No. YW Moderator-72
RoshYeshivah: ha i loved it!!! great joke!!!
asdf: thanks buddy.
mod-72 where’s your heart? the poor syrian is crying like that and you don’t seem to care!!
RY- you don’t know syrians, they don’t cry.
~a~
that still doesn’t give mod-72 a heart!
You’re right, our job is to be nice. We should always assume that everyone else is supersensitive. It’s hard.
~a~
RoshYeshivah: your welcome buddy!!!
Hey syrian go make a new screen name n post ur joke!!! I’m dying to hear it!
Mod 72 be nice!!!
I’m always nice… btw the “joke” was deleted by different moderators. YW Moderator-72
mod-72 if you’re really nice then go ahead and find syrian’s joke, moderate it and post it!
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