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Why Jews are not weathermen:
A cold front may or may not be coming in from the north tonight, depending on the will of HaKadosh Baruch Hu, followed by a slight drizzle, Im Yirtze Hashem. Then tomorrow, if Moshiach hasn’t come yet, there will be Im Yirtze Hashem heavy rain, Chas V’Shalom.
A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police.
The man says,” Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I’m not taking any chances this time!”
Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediately fell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window.
“Can you spare a dime?” asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window.
“Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?”, begged another wayfarer.
More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, ‘I don’t have any money!’ He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. “What do YOU want?” Ben yelled.
“I saw the sign on your windshield,” the man began, “and since I’ve been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I’d give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet.”
A man was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading. After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all that it says here?”
The agent said, “You most certainly have… why do you ask?”
The man replied, “Cancel the sale, this house is too good to part with!”
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, “We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.” As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!” With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, “We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s.”
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there!”
I asked my friend , “What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?”
He said “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
I asked “Can you explain?”
He said “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”
Still not convinced, i asked him “Give me some examples”.
He said “Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it ”
I asked “Then, what is your role?”
He said “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Bodoland should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions…
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. The Momma bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
A disheveled man was standing on a busy city corner. With open palms toward the sky he yells out give me a sign, I just need a sign.
The manager of a pizza restaurant walks out and hands the man a sign. He says just wave it at the passing cars!
A police officer stops a blond woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
After boarding and taking off for a long flight over the ocean, the speaker comes on with an important message for passengers.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are introducing you today to the latest and newest aviation advancement in history. This plane is flying without a pilot or co-pilot. It is controlled by way of radio from the ground. Sit back and relax and enjoy your flight. Be assured that absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong, absolutely nothing can go wrong………”
I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car.
I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State’s rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix.
I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn.
Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the $3 fee.
I was shocked.
“Is that all you have to do”? I asked.
He answered, “Well, you drove it here, didn’t you”?
My Granddaughter bought me one of those fancy do everything cell phones for my birthday. She said she’d come over on the weekend and show me how to use it.
The bad thing is I spilled some water on it and feeling horrible I called her up and told her what happened. She told me take out the battery, take out that card thingy dingy and put the phone in rice and leave it sealed in Tupperware over night.
I told her I’d call her back the minute I did all of that. When I called her back she asked what took to long. I told her that I do things the old fashioned way, I don’t use that minute rice stuff and it took me twenty five minutes to cook the rice. She asked if I had submerged it in the rice yet and I told her that I had.
She paused for a moment and said, the rice trick doesn’t always work. I’m sure it’s going to work fine, I call her tomorrow after I get all of that sticky rice off of it tell her the good news.
During war games between two Army bases, a Sergeant had enough of a Private that didn’t seem to know which end of his rifle to point at the enemy. Instead the Sergeant gave the bumbling soldier a broom handle. “Point this at your target and yell ‘Bang! Bang!’ since you’re too dumb to use the real thing!” yelled the Sergeant. So during the game “capture the flag”, the dumb Private ran across the battlefield yelling “Bang! Bang!” Sure enough, the enemy soldiers fell when he aimed at them. “This is GREAT!!” and the Private started yelling over and over “BANG! BANG!”.
Soon he came across a rather huge, tall, and fairly muscular enemy soldier heading right for him. “BANG! BANG!” he yelled. Nothing happened. “BANG! BANG BANG!” Still the enemy soldier approached and was picking up speed. The Private yelled over and over “BANG! BANG!” until the enemy soldier hit him, knocking the Private off his feet onto the ground and walked over him….
And was yelling “TANK! TANK! TANK!”
Two scouts were making a lot of noise on a field trip. The scout master asked them to “please not yell” and to “go find firewood”.
I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”
A lady goes to customer service and asks for a refund on the disposable barbecue she has brought back to the store.
Assistant: “What seems to be the problem, madam?”
Lady: “The food is missing.”
Assistant: “I’m sorry?”
Lady: “Look, on the outside of the packaging it clearly shows sausages, chops and burgers. When I opened the package they were missing.”
Assistant: “Madam, it says “”contents for illustration purposes only”. You have to supply the food.”
Lady (somewhat sheepish): “Oh. I may as well take the other two barbecues out of the freezer, then.”
Joe and Mark, two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and refreshments. At the end of the party, they both went outside.
Joe crossed the street, while Mark wandered into a subway entrance. When Joe came back, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.
“Where did you go?” Joe asked enthusiastically.
“I don’t know,” gushed Mark, “but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!”
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
“No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we have no power. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.”
A passenger was having difficulty lugging his oversized travel bag onto the plain. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
some choice In-flight Announcements
1. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments.”
3. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
5. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes “whoo whoo” like an owl.
They shine the light in the redhead’s tree, she goes “Tweet Tweet” like a bird.
The recruit started riding a pretend motor scooter making motor sounds and beeping a pretend horn. The military decided to discharge the young man due to his instability. As the young man was leaving the base for the last time he rode his pretend motor scooter. When he got to the front gate he stopped and put down the pretend kick stand.
He turned off the pretend key and started to walk away. The guard said, “Hey, what about your motor scooter?”
A young Navy officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?'” Asked the salesman. “So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.” said Alex.
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight.” replied the fishmonger with a grin.
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters.
Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”
The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked
“How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward — NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”
A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge showed the marooned sailor a few news headlines and told him, “With the captain’s compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still wish to be rescued.”
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Yes,” he said, “that’s what they call it now.”
An elderly lady decided she wanted the inside of her home painted so she looked in the newspaper and found an ad that said “no indoor house painting to small or large, call such and such number.” so the woman gave the man a call and the next day he came to her house. The woman showed him the bedroom and said she wanted it painted light blue, he measure the room, wrote down the color. Then he went to the front door and yelled out “green side up”, then they went to the kitchen and she asked for a light yellow, the man wrote it down, went to the front door and again yelled, “green side up” this went on for two other rooms with the man always going to the door and yelling “green side up” after they were done getting everything on paper, the woman asked the man how come after every room was finished he would go the front door and yell “green side up” ? the man laughed and told her that he also does landscaping and that he had just hired three idiots to lay sod across the street.
Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. “That’s impossible says the doctor. You’re all nuts. You’ll get lost and never come back.” But, the lunatics wouldn’t relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says “OK! If you can answer a simple question I’ll sign the pass.” He turns to the first lunatic and says “What’s three times three?” The lunatic starts counting on his fingers “3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?” The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: “What’s three times three?” The lunatic immediately shouts “WEDNESDAY!” The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What’s three times three?” The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says “Nine.” The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he’s writing he says “This is incredible, you’ve always been thoroughly insane. How’d you do it?” The lunatic responds, “Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!”
Two best friends were having lunch together. One was trim and the other was rather rotund. The trim friend ordered a salad, his friend ordered a Ruben sandwich with large fries and a milkshake.
The trim one said, “You don’t have to eat every speck off your plate; being overweight can put you in an early grave.”
His friend replied, “You know I don’t like wasting anything. When it’s my time to go I plan on filling the box.”
I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a doctor walked by. Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, “Just how long have you been waiting?”
A man driving by an insane asylum got a flat in his front right tire. He took off his tire and put the lug nuts in the wheel cover. As he rose he accidentally kicked the wheel cover and all the lug nuts went into a deep ditch. Looking in disgust he noticed an inmate at the asylum watching him through a chain link fence.
The man shouted out, “Why don’t you take a lug nut from the other three wheels and use them to replace the lug nuts you lost?”
The driver said, “That’s a great idea!”
The man replied, ” Well I may be crazy, but I am not stupid.”
One of the tourists asked why an elephant would be wearing sunglasses. The guide answered, “Well, they do this to so they can go unnoticed at the beach.”
The guide replied, “I guess it works.”
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally a police car came pulling up to the scene. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
So I’m heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she’s like…
“Young man, speeding? I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
I look up to her and I say, “I’m so sorry I’m late officer, I got here as fast as I could…”
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding…
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace…
Two weeks later he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
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