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Joseph-
Prof. Google is one of my best online friends, but no, I haven’t used it for any answers.
Genius??? hahahahahahahahah – thank you, but the “humorous item” thread is perfect for that!
(I actually botched the second line – I should’ve said “he wanted to sleep under a bike, but it was two tired”).
I liked those jokes too, but smh1 was right – siz nischt klug tzu reitzen un die vus zenen nischt unzer freint – (apologies for the usual teeth-shattering efforts).
atheism is a non-prophet orginization
SOme men join the army cuz theyre single and they like war; others join the army cuz theyre married and they like peace
Mary went to church one day and told the priest her husband had just died. The priest expressed his condolences and then asked if John had any special wishes for burial. Mary told him clearly. they finished making arrangements and then the priest asked Mary if the were any last requests? Mary: “Yes, in fact he did, Mary please put down the gun…”
abcd1234- that last joke was absolutely nauseating and not even funny. Thank you. Please make me laugh in the future..
I think the joke is that the police are investigating how the man died of gunshot wounds and asked his widow if she heard any last words from him. She says, “yes, he said ‘Go ahead. You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, anyway’.”
This one I heard from a nice old man about 15-20 years ago.
What is the word for “elevator” in Hebrew?
Ya’aleh V’yovoh
squeak, did you hear any lines as you passed the Statue of Liberty, when you came over in the boat? (I don’t mean from the people throwing their tefilin over…)
Joseph- You are absolutely hilarious!
Subject: Eruv.
Two guys have been learning together for 20 years. One of them is going to make a bar mitzvah so he says to the other one, “I am making a bar mitzvah and I would like you to come.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“But I really want you to come.”
“You don’t understand. I just can’t come.”
“But why can’t you come?”
“I’m not Jewish.”
“What do you mean? We have been learning together for 20 years.”
“I enjoy the intellectual stimulation.”
“But we learned that a goy that keeps Shabbos is ‘chayav mitvos.'”
“I never kept Shabbos. Every time I was ready to leave my house, I put a key in my pocket.”
“But we have an eruv here.”
“I don’t hold from that eruv.”
A Jewish lady’s grandson is playing in the water at the beach when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, “Hashem, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given tzedokkah? Have I not davened? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?”
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, “Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?”
She responds, “He had a hat!!”
his last words were: “YES, YOU LOOK FAT IN THAT DRESS!”
Joseph, while I truly enjoy the banter, I don’t remember how we got to the level of personal attacks. Are you trying to make fun of my age or the age of my joke?
smartcookie – where do you come in?
squeak – neither. it seems we’ve been passing jokes between each other (re: yours in the bowling/bar thread.) yet it surely wasn’t (intended as) anything personal. alls well that ends well…
A little kid sees that his mother is getting gray hairs and asks her why. She tells him that every time he does something bad she gets another gray hair. The boy thinks about this for a minute, his eyes get really wide, and he says, “What did you do to grandma?!”
SQUEAK- sorry, I didnt know you were having a private conversation. This usually doesnt happen on a public forum. But sorry if I disturbed your uplifting, most serious conversation with Joseph. I was just getting a kick out of his humor and wanted to let me know that he made me smile!!!
A lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy…so the lawyer asks if the Jew would he like to play a fun game.
The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The elderly Jew doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Jew’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
A favorite of mine, since I know the type of personality:
Sol, a meticulous German Jew, needs to go visit Japan on business. So he calls up the travel agent and has him book a round trip ticket for him. But Sol warns the agent, “Make sure that you get me a window seat. I must sit by the window.” The agent tells him no problem, he will take care of it.
The day before the flight, Sol calls the agent to confirm. The agent confirms. Sol asks him if he is sure that he got a window seat on the flight. The agent confirms this too.
When he gets to the airport, he goes to the check-in counter, checks in and then asks the ticket agent, “I want to make sure that my seat is by the window. I have to sit in the window seat.” The agent checks and confirms that a window seat is reserved for him.
At the gate, he presents his boarding pass and asks the attendant to check the pass and make sure he has a window seat. She assures him that he will have the window seat.
So Sol makes his way to his seat, and whaddaya know, it is NOT a window seat. It’s the middle seat NEXT TO the window seat. The entire flight, Sol is fuming. So the second he gets off the flight, he goes straight to the telephone and calls up the travel agent. He yells into the phone, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I made sure to request a window seat, I confirmed it half a dozen times, and when I got on the flight I saw that you had NOT gotten me the seat you promised! I get very claustrophobic when I’m on a plane unless I’m right by the window.”
So the agent asks him, “I’m sorry for the mistake, but if it meant so much to you to have a window seat, why didn’t you just ask the person sitting next to you to please switch? I’m sure with your condition they would have agreed?”
Sol replies, “Of course, I would have asked. But there was no one sitting in the window seat!”
Ha Ha G123…Really great!
A Non-Jew called Jack was sitting next to Yankel on a flight. Mid flight he turns to him and asks him how come the Jews are so clever. Yankel replies “basically it’s very simple we have this amazing herring which we eat that just boosts our IQ tenfold”. “Can I have some please”, asks Jack. “Sure, replies Yankel, but it’s gonna cost you $50”. “Huh $50 for herring? OK if it’s gonna make me clever”…
He buys it and eats. “Um this is great but why so expensive?” asks Jack.
“See it’s already working on you replies Yankel!!!
a polish biplane blew up over a polish cemetery, later that night on the news “650 dead allot more still missing”.
here’s a groaner that’s popular with the kids:
#1: how do you spell rust?
#2: (slowly) R..U…S..T!
#1: (laughing hysterically) I’m not!
get it? ( “are you Esti?” )
more jokes, people!
thank you Yoshi for starting this!
smhi- hee hee- how do you spell rule?
smartcookie – cute!- I’ll pass it on. You must have kids too 🙂
Another groaner…
What goes round a football pitch and doesn’t move?
The fence…
SORRY GUYS
A boss and three employees were hiking in the woods and got lost.
They only had enough provisions for three people.
The boss said “To be equitable, I’ll ask three questions on the same subject. If each of you gets one right, I’ll go hungry. Otherwise, the person who misses his question does”.
The employees agreed.
“Ok,” said the boss, “which large ship struck an iceberg in 1912 and sank?”
“The Titanic” answered the first employee.
“Fine,” said the boss, “Next question – how many people were lost?”
“1,500” replied the second employee.
“Correct” said the boss.
He turned to the third employee “Now for your question – what were their names?”
How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but a lot of light bulbs.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb needs to really want to change.
They knew it would need to be changed.
How many fortune-tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many yekkes does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000
How many TWU union members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s the electrician’s job.
How many YWN posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1) It depends how long the “How to change a light bulb” thread takes to get approved.
2) Is it tzniusdik to change a light bulb?
3) Make sure the light bulb has the correct hashgocha.
How many ICOTs does it take to change a light bulb?
None – We can only try
Trying to entertain the kids? Here’s a cute one….
What stays in one place yet travels all around the world?
A STAMP
The first Jewish Female gets elected president of the U.S. She calls her mother in Florida and invites her to the inauguration.
“Vell, I am not sure I can make it”
“Why,Mom? This is a big deal- you have to come”
“Vhat am I going to vear?”
“Mom, I am going to be the President- my private dress maker will make something especially for you and it wont cost you a dime”
“I dont know, air fare is so expensive…”
“mom, you dont have to worry about that- air force 1 will be there for you- on the house”
“and accomodations- vere vill I stay?”
“Mom, you dont get it- Im going to be living in the White House! You can have any room you choose!”
“MMMM… Ok- I’ll try to come”
“phew, Thanks Mom”
At the inauguration, An elderly woman in a spiffy new dress nudges her neighbor and says “You see that lady up there by the podium? The lady with the sign President? Yeah, you see her?”
The person nods.
“Vell, her brother is a doctor”
from my daughter:
what Bracha do you say on a joke?
…………………………..
Ha’adama, since most jokes are “corny”!
hey for all you femenists:
A femenist is speaking to a group of women about the importance of signing prenuptials. After half an hour one women says, “ok you have me convinced. Let me just double check with my husband…)
had to actually search for this thread. shame on us!
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
brooklyn- Good one! :o) i’m gonna spread that one around!!
Nice one brooklyn but a bit stale.
Come on guys, no more jokes out there???
An elderly couple got into an argument. Trying to “get” her husband, Grandma said, “You know, I went out with Danny and he wanted to marry me. And look – he’s now a millionare!”
“I’d also be a millionare if you wouldn’t have married me!”
brooklyn19- nice nice NICE!
Another similar one:
The Mayor and his wife were walking in the street when suddenly his wife gives a very friendly wave to a passing builder.
“How do you know HIM?”, asked the mayor in astonishment.
“Oh I was actually gonna get married to him you know before I met you” replied his wife.
“See how lucky you are,” said the mayor, “if you would’ve married him what would you have been? The wife of a common builder!”
“No No,” replied his wife, “if I would’ve married him HE would’ve been the mayor!”
yeah – same joke in different words
great jokes!!! very entertaining!!!!
ICOT’s joke about the titanic reminded me of this one…
a man walked into a prominent manhatten office on his first day of work. after explaining to the supervisor what he was doing there, the supervisor showed him around the office. right before he was about to start the superrvisor asked him what his name is.
“Abe”
“oh, we go by last names around here, what is it Abe…?”
“Darling, Abe Darling.
“and one more thing Abe…”
after coming out of surgery the woman went to the receptionist to make a complaint
“I was very disturbed to hear a distinguished doctor as this one using a four-letter word.”
“oh, what was that?”
“oops”
tutzech
that post reminds me of how some kids do public speaking.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive” The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
nice ones doc!!!!
Two goyim captured a jew.. each of them were only able to carry with them, one item. The goy#1- a knife, Goy#2- a gun, and the Jew was allowed to hold a flashlight. As they were getting farther from the city; into a forest, the Goy#1 hears: “i’m gonna peel ya… I’m gonna eat ya… I’m gonna throw your peel out the window!!!!” afterhearing this, the goy decides that he’d rather kill himself then go thru all that pain, so he cuts off his head. a few minutes later the Goy#2 hears: “i’m gonna peel ya… I’m gonna eat ya… I’m gonna throw your peel out the window!!!!” after HE hears this he also decided that he doesn’t want to got thru sucha painfull death so he shoots himself!! a few minutes later the jew hears: “i’m gonna peel ya… I’m gonna eat ya… I’m gonna throw your peel out the window!!!!” after HE hears this the jew thinks to himself: if i’m gonna die, i might as well see who it is. so he shines his flashlight in the direction of the voice…..
and it was a mokey talking to a banana!!!
the phone rings person on the other line asks is mrs newman there so she replies shes teaching how about rabbi newman hes working in the factory how about reuven hes in yeshiva learning
how about bobby newman
shes alav hashalom
then who am i speaking to
daisy da goita
A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?”
The man responds politely, “No, ma’am, I’m not Jewish.”
After a little while she again queries him, “You’re really Jewish, aren’t you?”
Again he responds, “No ma’am, I am not Jewish.”
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, “Are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, “Okay. Yes, ma’am, I am Jewish.”
“Funny,” she says, looking puzzled, “you don’t look Jewish!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man says to G-d: “G-d, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
G-d says: “So you would love her.”
“But G-d, the man says, “Why did you make her so dumb?”
G-d says, “So she would love you”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I no know. I go to kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
ok i’ll give it a :}
joseph- i think the middle one is a bit cruel…
it’s a good thing it’s not true!!! :o)
noitallmr
I see you were by the lipa concert a few years ago in yardley
Why do women live longer than men?
Because G-d adds them the time that they wasted on parking.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Why don’t women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A women who won’t do what she’s told.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
So, G-d made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked G-d for a companion. G-d said, “I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. It’s going to cost you an arm and a leg, though.”
Adam said, “Well, what can I get for a rib?”
Bogen. “Why do women live longer than men?
Because G-d adds them the time that they wasted on parking.”
Watch yourself! lol 😉
ha ha
love that one :}
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