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Nine-year-old Robert returns from school one day filled with excitement.
“Daddy,” he exclaims. “Today I was chosen to have a part in the annual school production. I will be playing the role of a Jewish husband.”
“Go back to them,” declares the angry father, “and tell them that you want a speaking part.”
A Jewish man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, “Where are you racing at this hour?”
“To a lecture,” the man responds.
“Who will give you a lecture at this hour?” the policeman wonders.
“My wife,” he replies.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks upset, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them NO WAY!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!
Thank you mepal- those were great!
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde’s headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
mepal, good ones!
h2, LOL! I LOVE blonde jokes!
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.”
The Italian guy says, “If I get another slice of pizza, I’ll kill myself.”
The redneck says, “If I get another ham hock, I’ll kill myself.”
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.”
The Italian guy’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.”
“Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”
Junk Science
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the
Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was
attempting to show how conditioned we have become to
alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged
people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only
one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible
Are We?”
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Mod 42: That was excellent!
“Doctor, you’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands
from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot of coffee?”
“Not really – I spill most of it!”
Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry
Walking through San Francisco ‘s Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners…
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry.’
‘Moishe Plotnik?’ he wondered. “How does
that belong in Chinatown ?”
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry.”The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, “Can you explain how this place got a name like ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry?’
The old man answered, “Ah..Everybody ask me that. It name of owner.”
Looking around, the tourist asked, “Is he here now?”
“It’s me, Me him!” replied the old man.
“Really? You’re Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?”
“Is simple,” said the old man. “Many, many year
ago I come to this country. I standing in line at ‘ Documentation Center of Immigration.’
Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland .”
“Lady at counter look at him and say to him, “What your name?”
He say to her, “Moishe Plotnik.”
Then she look at me and say, What’s Your Name?
I say… Sam Ting!
a very old one.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, ‘You’re in charge of sweeping.’
To the Scotsman he says, ‘You’re in charge of shoveling.’
And to the Chinese guy, ‘You’re in charge of supplies.’
He then says, ‘Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.’
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, ‘Why didn’t you sweep any of it?’
The Italian replies, ‘I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.’
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, ‘And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.’
The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin’ him either.’
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy …Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells…
‘SUPPLIES!!’
LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!
BS”D
Tznius problems in your neighborhood? Call the volunteer modesty squad “Bulvanim” NOW before the whole neighborhood sees the bishe!
We break all exposed body parts, so that they will have to be casted or bandaged and therefore covered for a few weeks or months. Second offenses? We are licensed tree and Sharia surgeons and we cut that offending part off right at the root! Are you jealous of your 5’10” neighbor “Hot Chanie”? We help with such gayve as well, and if you call us she’ll be 4’3″ in no time!
We are authorized to act as modesty enforcement volunteers by the Islamic “A Pistachio is Not Even as Big as a Banana But We’ve Got Oil So We Get Nukes” Republic of Iran, and by Mullah Omar of Kehillas Koidesh Taliban d’Herat.
Brooklyn Bulvanim: 718-BUL-VANE
Rockland County Bulvanim: 845-MEN-IVAL
Otisville Bulvanim: They’re the ones who’ve already had experience in Brooklyn and Rockland.
PS: Are you or is someone you know 300 lbs or over, with the midos of a rabid pitbull? If so Bulvanim needs you – call us now and help us put an end to the problems of tznius violations in our communities now! Bleach and egg throwers and other schvachers not welcome.
My husband got a text “My wife’s food melts in my mouth…I just wish she would defrost it first!”
BS”D
Sign on grocery in “Kiryas Shygetz Aross”:
“We accept only kasher lemehadrin food stamps!”
BS”D
Math lesson in Creedmoorer Mesivta:
OK, kless, now I is wantink to teach you from der metric system so you ken also to know how much silver bechers is in a ton det you schmuggle in fin Eretz Yisroel. So you should know dat dere iz two kinds fin ton:
der short ton in det is 2000 pounds
end now der metric ton det is 1000 kilos which is makink like 2440 pound unless you pay in kesh den we iz givink you a little bit more…
one smart talmid asks:
Vus iz a Sharp ton?
Ah, a Sharp ton det doesn’t weigh like no real ton because a sharp ton, det’s a three hundred pound vindbeg gefilt mit hot air! You are wantink to schmuggle into Americhke gold, you vant a long ton, not a Sharp ton because fin a sharp ton, it opens its mouth and out come all der hot air end den you gots notink!
Hilarious, as usual!
Maybe link it to the ‘Yiddish’ thread. lol
Local ad for a plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”
Outside a hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
EDITED
kapusta: those were awesome!
i like the pizza one the best kapusta
Sorry if this is a repeat, but I could get through only 30 pages. And there were plenty of other repeats.
What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?
Aim and shoot again.
Mr. and Mrs. Descartes were having a New Year’s Eve party. Mrs. Descarte went all out to make it special. She fixed all kinds of hors d’oeuvres and pastries and to keep it interesting, she didn’t put them all out at once. Every hour she would bring out new delicacies for her guests to enjoy.
She had made some special canapes that she wanted to serve an hour after the new year came in. However, these canapes had to sit out for awhile before being served. Yet she didn’t want the guests to have them early. So she asked her husband to guard the canapes and not let anyone touch them until the proper time.
One of the guests went over to talk to Rene (that’s Mr. Descartes for those who aren’t familiar with him) and noticed the nice canapes. He started to reach for one, but Rene stopped him saying:
I think they’re for 1 a.m.
A woman was having a house built. As it was nearing completion she met with the GC to go over how she wanted the house decorated. And she was very specific.
In the living room, she said she wanted dark blue walls with white trim, and hardwood floors. The GC wrote some notes on the paper on his clipboard then went to the window and yelled out, “Green side up.”
Then they went into the dining room. The woman pulled out a sample of wallpaper from her purse and said she wanted that paper and pink draperies. Again, the GC wrote some notes, then went to the weindow and yelled out, “Green side up.”
This went on through the kitchen and the den. Then they went upstairs, and in each bedroom, after she told the GC what she wanted, again, he wrote notes then went to the window and yelled out, “Green side up.”
Needless to say, the woman was getting concerned. She couldn’t imagine what he was trying to do to her house. Finally, unable to contain herself she asked if he was getting her wishes down accurately, and he assured her he was.
“So why do you keep yelling out the window, ‘Green side up’?” she asked.
“Oh,” the GC replied, “I’m just giving instructions to the blond outside who’s laying the sod.”
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle..’
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
Here is my favorite. Anybody in the CR from Texas? You’ll appreciate it.
One day a man gets a knock at his door. There is a Polish person there. He asks the homeowner if he would be willing to rent him that little house in the backyard. The homeowner explains to him that it’s an outhouse, and he wouldn’t want to live there. Still, the Pole is persistent and eventually the homeowner agrees to let him rent, and move in to, the outhouse.
After a few days he notices a TV antenna on the outhouse. He thinks that’s a bit strange, but no stranger than just living in an outhouse. But after another few days, he notices a second TV antenna on the outhouse. Now his curiosity has gotten the better of him.
He goes over to the outhouse and knocks on the door. When the Pole answers, the owner says to him, “I can understand one TV antenna. But please tell me why you need a second TV antenna.”
The Pole replies, “Oh. That’s not mine. It belongs to the Aggie I sub-let the basement to.”
haifagirl, I’ve heard that many Aggie jokes just substitute “Aggie” for (ethnic slur referring to Polish people) jokes, but this is the first one I’ve heard that included both.
BS”D
Did you see the new D-ek edition of Perek Shira:
It says: “And the jailbird sang, I will bring offerings of fake Gucci bags full of cash and kidneys..”
Mods: Can you please tell me what’s wrong with the jokes I tried to post? If I know what the problem is, I won’t do it again.
I found three:
I didn’t delete any of them.
I would surmise the following reasons:
The carrot one was morbid and unpleasant to posters with families in that situation.
The Marine Corps one was denigrating to the Marine Corps
The Armadillo one, I don’t know why it was deleted, I don’t get it though.
BS”D
Armadillo was deleted because it is not kosher, not even in Creedmoor.
None of these are as funny as the two elephants in the tub.
80: Thanks.
I hope this isn’t a repeat:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi go into a bar. The priest says to the others, “Hey, did you hear the one about us?”
haifagirl, I thought the second line goes like this: The bartender looks at them & says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
haifagirl i didnt get ure jokes……
Sorry sunflower… A joke explained is no joke :-/
mepal: Loved your jokes from yesterday, especially the ones about the dog and the false teeth 🙂
ok mepal i couldnt really care. the thing is that i am very slow at jokes so…..
an apple tree with a bunch of apples sitting in it,
when a strong wind came and 3 apples fell down to the ground, the apples still in the tree started laughing at them..hahahahhahahahaha ,the three apples on the ground look up at them and reply, imature…grow up.
Really this should go in the riddle thread, but it works so perfectly here, I think.
Who was born in this year?
Not this year, though.
sunflower: Rene Descartes was a French philosopher. One of his most famous quotes is, “I think, therefore I am.”
Did you have trouble with any of the other jokes?
Eequalsetc. – Huh?
As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf’s, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she’d never get stuck in a snow drift.
So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn’t wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.
After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena’s car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time.
“Sure,” said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.
A little confused, the driver said, “OK you can follow me if you want to. But I’m finished with the Kmart parking lot and I’m headed for Wall-Mart next.”
BS”D
What do you call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez, Hassan Nasrkaka, and Ismail Haniyeh (YMS all of them) jumping from a 100 story building?
A good start!
or, If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Al Sharpton and Hugo Chavez all fall off the Empire State Building together, who falls to the ground first?
Who cares?
haifagirl. i got the quote i heard it before but ure jokes on the other hand…….
BS”D
Application to join the Ku Klux Klan:
1) First and Last Name____________________________________________
2) We is sorry but if you is can read this aplikatin and fill in 1) you is diskwalify.
Btw can somebody tell me what’s the difference between a joke about a blonde and a joke about a brunnete ?
BS”D
Want to live in Mea Shearim as the chilonim imagine it, but with none of the sense of history that Mea Shearim offers and with no real rabbonim and rebbeim to keep your most vile and fanatic impulses in check?
Come join us in Ramat Beit Shimush, where you will never have a dull moment. Burqa ladies, tinfoil shtreimel wearing hooligans singing Hashem Hu Malkynee and We Shall Overcome off key and loud, a great tznius patrol that is always standing by to bleach the many avyrois of your daughters and wives, lots of rocks flying on Shabbos, and more! Admittance to our hyliger kehilla is only granted to those who promise never to seek gainful employment or to publicly receive handouts from the tzioinishe medine. And now, thanks to our alliance with the Admou”r meCreedmoor and his money printing presses, we actually pay you to demonstrate against the medine and anything else you want to do that disrupts life for the tzioinim.
To find out more about our housing and related schemes, our selection of garbage bins for burning, our subsidized tire loans so you can buy up to 10 tires a week to build burning Shabbos roadblocks, and our new Machon leTznius under the direction of Rebbetzin Brooche Burqa, contact us now:
Creedmoor office: 718-444-BURN
Otisville office: 845-1-RIP-OFF
Yerushalayim office: (052) WEL-FARE
We, the combined Tznius and Rabbinical Welfare Council of Ramat Beit Shimush are standing by to welcome you in our fight against an honest day’s work!
A recycled joke – I first heard it as a Nasser joke, then as a Yasser Arafat joke, then … Beforehand, it was probably a Hitler joke, and a Ahasueros joke.
Here goes.
Ahmedinajad goes to a soothsayer to have is sooth said. He asks, “When will I die?”
The soothsayer tells him, “You will die on a Jewish holiday?”
“Which Jewish holiday?” he asks.
“Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
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