A Humorous Item

Kapusta – that was really good!!

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was

taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not

speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same

spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought

this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the

area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with

the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as

he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two week later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving

without a seat belt.

Men . .

In the News

Kiddush Clubs Observe Siyum HaShots:

On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.

The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums and brandies until every bottle was empty.

“Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition,” said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. “We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth.”

The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.

Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.

“It’s shameful,” said Shikker. “The OU is waging a whole campaign against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated.”

Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening.

“You can’t spell spiritu ali ty without spirits,” he noted.

He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the haftarah “shokkel more during Musaf.”

Some rabbis see it differently, however.

“They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that schnapps,” said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. “Or even worse, they desperately need the bathroom.”

Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.

“When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three bottles of Four Roses,” said Shikker. “I’m very proud of that.”

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

“Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front,” the preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you.”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,”Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t ’til next Wednesday!”

Even superheroes bleed sometimes.

Good point Frenchie, but that piece was really for the mods to get hana’ah.

SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR THE HIGH HOLIDAYS

During the last holiday season, many members expressed concern

over the seating arrangements. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the… (Check one:)

___ Talking section

___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?

___ Stock market

___ Sports

___ Medicine

___ General gossip

___ Specific gossip (choose:)

___ The rabbi

___ The cantor

___ The cantor’s voice

___ The cantor’s significant other

___ Real estate prices

___ Fashion news

___ What others are wearing

___ Why they look awful

___ Your neighbors

___ Your relatives

___ Your neighbors’ relatives

___ Shul politics

___ Who’s having marital issues

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?

__ Doctor

__ Dentist

__ Nutritionist

__ Psychiatrist

__ Child psychiatrist

__ Podiatrist

__ Chiropractor

__ Personal trainer

__ Stockbroker

__ Accountant

__ Lawyer

__ Criminal

__ Civil

__ Real estate agent

__ Architect

__ Plumber

__ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ )

__ Golf pro [tentative; we’re still trying to find a Jewish One]

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)

__ On the aisle

__ Near the exit

__ Near the window

__ In Aruba

__ Near the bathroom

__ Near my in-laws

__ As far away from my in-laws as possible

__ As far away from my former in-laws as possible

__ Near the pulpit

__ Near the Kiddush table

__ Near single men

__ Near available women

__ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services

__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services

__ Where I can sleep during the rabbi’s sermon

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:

__ I can see my spouse over the mechitza

__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza

__ I can see my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend’s spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:

(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge:

$________________________

Thank you and we will try to accommodate your request for a truly meaningful holiday experience.

A man goes to the Ruv in his town and askes the Ruv for help with his problem. He says he has a problem with guaiva (he is a baal guaiva). The Ruv says right now is the hour I answer the publics shailes as soon as I finish with the shailes I will help you. The Ruv sits the man next to him and calls in his first shaile the man goes into a complex shaile in kashrus. The Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and says to him “so how would you answer this shaile?” The baal guaiva turns to the Ruv and says I have no idea I don’t know how to learn. The Ruv turns to the man asking the shaile and answers him. The next man comes in and askes the Ruv a shaile in business how to invest some money. The Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and says to him “so how would you answer this shaile?” The baal guaiva turns to the Ruv and says I have no idea I don’t know much about business. The Ruv turns to the man asking the shaile and answers him. As soon as the room is empty the Ruv turns to the baal guaiva and yells at him you can’t learn and you don’t know any thing about business and you have the chutzpah to be a baal guaiva? What do you have that you are a baal guaive about?

nameless… probably because it’s not a joke.

I read an amazing story not too long ago, which is probably where this was adapted from. It involved a couple from Tel Aviv who were arguing over whether or not to purchase an upscale, late model luxury car. The couple decided to bring their dispute to a Rav in Bnei Brak to settle the matter. (Was it R’ Chaim Kanievsky? Or was it his father, the Steipler? Or the Chazon Ish? I can’t remember which one, but it doesn’t matter). The Rav asked the couple what their argument was about. The husband said that he wanted to buy the car because they could afford it and it would make him and his wife happy to drive in a comfortable vehicle. The wife said she agreed but was afraid that having such a car would invite jealousy from their friends and neighbors, and she was afraid of the eyin harah.

The Rav then asked the husband, “Can you tell me a vort on the sugya of gemara you are currently learning?” The man replied that he was had not learned Gemara anytime in recent history. “Can you tell me a vort on this week’s Sedra?” The man shook his head no. “Can you tell me what this week’s Sedra is?” Again, the man replied in the negative.

The Rav then said to the couple, “He does not know any gemara, he cannot tell a vort on the current parsha, and he doesn’t even know what Sedra will be read this week. There is nothing for your friends and neighbors to be jealous of. You can certainly buy the car without worry.”

BS”D

Looking for a yeshiva in EY where your son will never goof around during sedra and where you never have to worry about him leaving?

Try Yeshivas Beis Asirim, the division of Yeshivas Maasiyahu for bochurim from chu”l.

Our easy admissions policy just requires your son to buy a bit of white powder or some esev hasodeh in Eretz Yisroel, and we’ll take him in for a full two year learning program.

Our rabbonim and dorm counselors include luminaries of practical learning who will show your son how to make back the cost of his ticket, and that’s all you’ll pay because our program provides free room and the safest dormitory in all of Eretz Yisroel. Since our dorm is locked at all times, you never have to worry about where your son is, and for a few cigarettes or some homemade wine the counselors will always let him use their cellphones to call you.

Present advisors to our program include HaRav Shlomo Benizri, and we proudly await the arrival of HaRav HaTzaddik Rav Elior Chen, an expert in discipline and remedial education.

To find out more about Yeshivas Beit Asirim, call our Head Dorm Counselor, Moshiko “Big Bad Moish” Hakolbishvili during daylight hours only or when his Rav doesn’t notice he has a cellphone.

Morris Rabinowitz in 1936 fled his native Germany. He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he could bring into the U.S.

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained:

“Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth.”

The customs official shook his head and said, “Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”

“Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food.”

The customs official shook his head and said, “You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?”

Morris looked around and spoke softly. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “once in a while I like a ham sandwich.”

Isnt this thread supposed to be humerous???

BS”D

LOL I posted it as a reply to the Yeshiva Advice but I put it here bc the one who started the thread is new and might not have appreciated the humor.

Mepal, if you want it posted, retype it without CAPS.

BS”D

The story about Rabinowitz reminds me of a true story from Hanoch Teller:

A druggie went into the old 47th St Photo with a pair of stolen tefillin. The Chossid behind the counter recognized the name on them, so he acted fast and said that the seller was missing the one for the other arm and therefore all he could pay was five dollars.

The druggie accepted the fiver and was duly reported (the story does not mention if he was arraigned – this was the 80’s when such offenses went unpunished) and the tefillin were returned to their rightful owner.

Same happened to me, but the genius who stole mine tried to sell them in a local shul on Shabbos. As he was but a typical early 90’s emaciated crackhead, it did not take much for people, including an old friend of mine, to get my tefillin away from him. (Even without my name somewhere in the tefillin bag, they were clearly a double set of Chabad tefillin and would have made it back to the Beis Chabad where I davened anyway).

I had already reported the loss to insurance and was misyaesh, and since these were the days of crummy cassette answering machines I barely understood my friend’s message.

Finally he reached me and I got my tefillin back and canceled the claim. They had a problem from day one and had this not happened I would not have had them checked.

Sadly, I sold these tefillin when I went OTD. They were not the best ones and I had always thought of replacing them and leaving them in shul, but I never got around to it and instead ended up selling them to the shul, whose (erev) rav had caused me the tzuris that made me go off.

I now have a new double set.

if a guy has money or brains he may have a reason to be a baal guaiva otherwise… stuff it

BS”D

Leroy Washington was a rather intelligent black gentleman, all the more so because he worked for a Jewish store in South Carolina before civil rights. Leroy even managed to pick up a bit of Yiddish while working for his employers.

Somehow, when election day came around back in the 1950’s, he managed to get all of the infamous polling questions right, even the ones as absurd as “how many bubbles in a cake of soap?”.

Then, the examiner, a typical cracker who did not know Yiddish from Chinese, pulled out a copy of the Yiddish newspaper. Asked to translate the headlines, Leroy said: “That headline says the Jim Crow laws are unconstitutional, you dumb shaygetz!”

The flabbergasted examiner allowed Leroy to vote, and even asked him if he wanted to vote a few times more.

BS”D

A dank tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel!

---

I once went to visit the masmidim in Federal Koilel over in Otisville, and after I spoke to just two of them, all I have to say is a dank tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel.

The first one, he tells me his name is Reb Gimpel. I ask him, who sent you here to learn, and what do you do? He tells me, I’ll be learning here for five years because ich bin geven a fire end insurance adjuster.

I tell him, but wait, that is an honorable and respectable way to make a good parnosso.

He tells me, you don’t understand, I adjusted all of the fires in my buildings so insurance would pay me good. Then I worked a while as an insurance adjuster, you know, I tried to adjust the insurance so I’d get as much as I could.

But you want to meet the real roish koilel? Here he is, Benzene Vass…

So I look at Reb Benzene, a little schlump of a guy with a beat up old hat and a ratty old reckel mit such a schmeck, and I ask him, first of all, what kind of a name is Benzene?

He tells me, listen, myne nomen iz Bentzioin Veisselbich but I’m not a tzioini so I don’t want that anyone should call me nothing with Tzioin in it.

I said, yes, but Benzene, Benny? Stinky, oily chozzerey that causes yenne machle besides, eppes you can be called Benny?

And he says, here, I tell you why dey all call me Benzene…

I goes before the judge and he tries to say myne name, and he can’t. So I says, you ken call me Benzene Vass, because I varf der vasser benzene on the floor from the buildink and set a match and that’s the end from the buildink.

And he roll his eyes and den asks me “So how do you plead”. And I says: “Not guilty, Your Honor!”

He look at me and he say: “You just tell me you throw white benzene on the floor of your building and set it ablaze and then you plead not guilty? I hereby sentence you to six months in detention based on your diminished intellectual capacity!”

In oder words, he say I’m too shtupit to sit more from six months! He’s too shtupit to be a judge!

I say to him, Reb Benzene, next time you should get a smarter judge!

He says: “You know, my wife, she says the same tink!”

—A denk tzi G-tt far Federal Koilel

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New White House Staff. So far we have:

Rahm Emanuel – Chief of Staff – Jewish

David Axelrod – Senior Advisor to the President – Jewish

Ronald Klain – Chief of Staff to the Vice President of the United States – Jewish

Larry Summers – Economic Advisor to the President – Jewish

Paul Volcker – Economic Advisor to the President, Former Head of Fed Reserve – Jewish

Tim Geithner – Treasury Secetary – Jewish

Peter Orszag – Head of Budget – Jewish

Am I the only one noticing that Obama and Biden are not so much assembling staff, as gathering a minyan?

KiloBear you wrote that so well I was able to read and chapp 🙂

funny!

Hi! I love this thread! Keep it going strong.

A few months after my grandfather was nifter, my little cousin pointed to a picture of him and asked her mother,

“Here Zeidy was nifter already?”

I dont know if this joke was already said here, but I’ll say it and sorry if it was. There was a jewish actor named moish looking for a job. He finally found a job at the zoo. There was a monkey that knew how to do excellent tricks and died. No other monkey in the world knew how to do those tricks, so the zoo got lots of money from the monkey., SO when Mr. monkey died, they were too scared of their business to announce its death, so they hired this jewish actor to dress up in a monkey suit. The jew dressed up and was an excellent attraction at the zoo.

ONe day, as MOish was swinging really hard on the monkey bars, he accidentally flew off into the lions cage. Moish’s heart started beating, a huge sharp toothed lion was just awaken from its sleep. As the lion approached him, he managed to yell out, “SHema yisroel HashemELokainu HAshem Echad” The lion responded “”Boruch shem kvod malhhuso lolam voed” Moish freked out and said, “SHimon is that you!” “Moish is that you” responded the lion. “How long have you been working here.” All of a sudden the zebra from the next cage said, “Rabboisai, if you don’t want us a;ll to lose our jobs, keep it down.” 🙂

I dont know if u hear dthis one… A sultan called over a rov and a karaite to find out who has the true version of yiddishkeit. They both took off their shoes upon entering, and the rov took his shoes with him subconciously b/c he was so worried how was he gonna shlugg up the karaite. The karaite looked smug. The karaite told the sultan – look how chutzpadik this rov is! Taking his shoes withim. “Whatcha gottasay?” asked sultan tzi der ruv. in der ruv hot gezugt, “Well last time in history a yid took off his shoes, it was moishe rabbeinu by the sneh. And well, his shoes were stolen by a karaite! So I took mine with me!” The karaite yelled, “SHeker v’chozov! There were no karaites back then!” “And you claim to ber real!”

Excellent, BY2! Welcome back to the humor thread!