A Humorous Item

BS”D

Vaad Merkozi d’Sinas Chinom veMachloikes introduces Dor Reshoim.

No longer do you have to do background checks on shidduchim because we do it all for you completely anonymously. Our worldwide network of male volunteers (bulvonim) and female volunteers (choleriois) comb through every detail of your potential shidduch’s life and the life of his or her family. We even install hidden cameras in homes and cars to find out the really important details like music being listened to, dress, head covering and every last word exchanged by members of the family to each other and to everyone they interact with. We even have moles in major banks and financial institutions, as well as the welfare administration, so you can find out if your potential shver really has money or is just mortgaged and leased to the hilt!

Our system is very simple. We assign every prospective shidduch a number which is posted with their real name and address in every mikveh, coffee room, pizza shop and simcha hall in the US, Eretz Yisroel and Europe. Then, our network of bulvanim and choleiriois who see that information report back to our kommandanten who in turn share their information with you depending upon that all important factor – how much you pay them.

Our affordable sliding scale of payment, with rates depending on yichus, factors you want us to observe, and the car you drive (including whether you own it or lease it) is determined before the number is assigned and is as arbitrary as the shidduch process itself thereby guaranteeing its value.

For more information call 1-888-RESH-OIM now or contact Mechel or Gnendle in the men’s or ladies’ mikveh respectively.

mepal, I dont get it…

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist

complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and

asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his

needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little and play with my children. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my

friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I

have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help

you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell

the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger

boat.”

“And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second

one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of

trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then

negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your

own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico

City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct

your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting,”

answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big,

you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” asked the Mexican.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the

coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying

your friends.”

And the moral of this story is: ……… Know where you’re going in

life… you may already be there.

yeah, the son in law one was good.

Welcome, funny bunny! Stick around!

here is a few good jokes:

what do you get when you put a grandfather into the oven? baked ziti -zaidy

what do you get when you put an uncle into the oven? “fetter”cheini

your son in law is like an esrog: you first check him out for a long time then you show him off to your friends and family and then dance with hin for seven days and then you make compote out him?

what goes up but never goes down? your age

hope you enjoy!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

mepal, they’re sleeping! (I was included in that)

*kapusta*

Mrs. Beautiful, I think the end to that email was: P.S. Sure is hot down here!

BS”D

A bakasho nafshis and final psak regarding the burning of garbage bins in Yerushalayim:

“How long must klal Yisroel who walk in the dim, flickering light of kanoius for show keep burning garbage bins with no purpose whatsoever? It is known to the greatest of gedoilim, arvei d’rabbonon Reb Moussa as-Sabih, Reb Yishmoel as-Sabih, Reb Moussa al-Dib Beck, Reb Yishmoel Daoud al-Beyda, Reb Haroun Cohen and others of their most holy and deluded ilk that the sole purpose of a fire is to incinerate with the flames of the klipa of kanoius that which is sewn for the klipa of tzioinis, namely the blue and white official dishrag of the medine. We hereby proclaim that it is ossur lemehadrim to burn any garbage bin which does not contain at least three such flags of a dimension not less than six square amois each.

Our hyliger burqa and kaffiye boutiques in Ramallah ir hakoidesh are standing at the ready to sell such dishrags for the continuing demonstrations insh’allah and it is recumbent upon each true kanoi leshem ha-Shish and leshem atzmoi to purchase such flags for incendiary purposes only.”

Signed:

Arba Misois Beis Din d’Inyonei Kanois of the Eida haMachridis, al-Quds as-Sharif

Admor”on Imam Hassan Nasrkakah, Grand Sharia Beis Din of Admas Koidesh Levanoin

Av Beis Din of the Great Beis Din of Public Amputations and Executions, Mahmoud Amadjihadi, Teheran, Iran

Grand Rabbi of the Miskenois haReshoim, Erev Rav Koirach Fleischinfishgonver

very cute i like that one — welcome rachel613

mepal:yossi z.

Member

NEW PEOPLE!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anything wrong with the old?

no i am just excited that we have even more people!

trust me i was temted to send it back but for some even (or is that odd) reason i didn’t 😛

Something I once overheard:

‘For years I was saddened at the sheer number of neighborhoods that had signs up that said “Slow Children at Play”. I would shake my head and wonder what kind of future all of these children could look forward to. What do all these kids become when they grow up? When I expressed my concerns to a friend, he assured me that their future was undoubtedly secure – judging by the sheer number of signs along the highways that say “Slow Men at Work”.’

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and

asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was

named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”

High School Exit Exam

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War Last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below…

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange (of course)

What do you mean,

You failed?

Me, too.

And if you try

to tell me you passed,

me think you might lie!

Actually, Mepal, I would have passed.

I knew that the Hundred Years’ War lasted 116 years.

I knew that the October Revolution is commemorated in what is November in the Gregorian calendar (but at the time of the revolution in Russia they were still using the Julian calendar).

I knew catgut does not come from cats (although, to be fair, I said sheep — not sheep and horses)

I knew George’s first name was Albert (he was called “Bertie” by his family).

and

I knew that the black boxes were orange.

I knew that Panama hats did not come from Panama, but did not know where.

I did not know about camel hair brushes (although by the time I got to that question, I figured out the theme of the quiz — so I knew it wasn’t camel.)

I never thought about the Canary Islands, but considering the Latin root for dog it makes sense. (and, BTW, the Canary Islands are in the Atlantic, off the coast of Africa — not the Pacific. They were an important stopping point in early American exploration).

I did not know the color of a purple finch (outside of the context of the quiz, I would have guessed “purple,” and I never heard of Chinese gooseberries.

The Wolf

Good job, wolf. Although I do assume you are a bit past 12th grade. Being that you have years of experience behind you, you’re kinda disqualified 😉

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”….

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following ?conversation until you are able to understand the term “TENJOOBERRYMUDS”.

With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes…

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest

and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today……

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: ” Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor

sunteen???”

Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow July den?”

Guest: “…..What??”

Room Service: “Ow July den?!?… Pryed, boyud, poochd?”

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

Guest: “I… Don’t think so.”

RoomService: “No? Judo wan sahn toes???”

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan

sahn toes’ means.”

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin

we bodder?”

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… ?

Fine….Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RoomService: “We bodder?”

Guest: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”

RoomService: “Wad?!?”

Guest: “I mean butter.. Just put the butter on the side.”

RoomService: “Copy?”

Guest: “Excuse me?”

RoomService: “Copy…tea..meel?”

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we

bodder on sigh and copy …. Rye??”

Guest: “Whatever you say.”

RoomService: “Tenjooberrymuds.”

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I said “By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’ “…..and you do, don’t you!

Ethical Behavior

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of

cigars?”

“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical

behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in

contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if

you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.”

“What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously.

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge,

but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

*kapusta*

mepal- I posted that as my favorite email a few pages back (maybe it’s in the Good Emails thread). Great one

BS”D

“Judaism is not just lox and gefilte fish. It’s skila, sreyfa, hereg, chenek and kooreis”

Sign in front of the Creedmoor Kiruv Center.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied, “A martini please.”

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?”

The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’, ‘inter-stellar space travel’, ‘the latest medical break throughs’, etc…….

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? “A Martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?”

This time the man answered, “Oh about 100”. So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?”??

This time the man drawled out “Uh….. bout 50”.

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

“A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?”

oi, mepal

BS”D

Sign spotted in front of a hymische gescheft that helps people apply for Federal benefits (translated from the Yiddish):

“May you be inscribed in the book of welfare, disability, Medicare and section 8 for a good and sweet New Year”

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to a body of water to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.

Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

For ordinary sins: White Bread

For particularly dark sins: Pumpernickel

For complex sins: Multi-Grain

For twisted sins: Pretzels

For tasteless sins: Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision: Waffles For sins committed in haste: Matzoh

For sins of chutzpah: Fresh Bread

For substance abuse: Stoned Wheat

For petty larceny: Stollen

For committing auto theft: Caraway

For timidity/cowardice: Milk Toast

For ill-temperedness: Sourdough

For silliness, eccentricity: Nut Bread

For not giving full value: Shortbread

For jingoism, chauvinism: Yankee Doodles

For excessive irony: Rye Bread

For unnecessary chances: Hero Bread

For telling bad jokes/puns: Corn Bread

For war-mongering: Kaiser Rolls

For causing injury to others: Tortes

For racist attitudes: Crackers

For sophisticated racism: Ritz Crackers

For being holier than thou: Bagels

For abrasiveness: Grits

For dropping in without notice: Popovers

For over-eating: Stuffing

For impetuosity: Quick Bread

For raising your voice too often: Challah

For pride and egotism: Puff Pastry

For sycophancy : Brownies

For being overly smothering: Angel Food Cake

For laziness: Any long loaf

*kapusta*